Welcome to Birmingham, Britain’s 2nd city. Actually a self-appointed title, presumably because it’s second only to London when it comes to concrete, piss-distressed shopping centres and unemployment. Whilst Brummies will (no chips on shoulders here, bab) remind you the city has more mileage of canal than Venice (the difference being that in the Midlands you can easily contract cholera or rabies just by sniffing the water) and that “Shoikspeeayuh wud of spowk loyke thiis!” it is in fact the arsehole of the country. But to deny yourself a visit to Weoley Castle, the city’s chavviest district would be criminal.
Climb aboard the 29. Witness the terrified driver, occasionally armed with pepper spray and a grimace. The top deck seats are all melted and trashed thanks to Chav kids. However, they do helpfully leave a daily record of their romantic encounters (“Zara finx Deano is bum 4 eva 04″ is one recent, GENUINE addition). 20 minutes later, smell the chip fat and Lynx? You’re here.
Welcome to Weoley Castle, hub of Birmingham’s south west. And the council’s nightmare. The centre of activity is Castle Square. It’s actually circular, but that’s Brummies for you. A collection of badly grammatised shops (“Nip-In-2-Noreens” and “Maxs’ Pizza’s” with its apostrophe rash being two particular favourites), liberally scattered with the various Shazzers (that’s Chavette to you and me) and Kevs of the district. All have the pinched-faced look that suggests inter-bredding on a Tennessee-beating scale, combined with a regular methodone fix. The Lloyds TSB is surrounded by CCTV, and high density barb wire fencing. The amusements arcade next door means that Chavs don’t have far to take their “babby’s” savings to fritter away an afternoon after Loose Women. The council gave up re-glazing the bus stops a long time ago. The only building that causes confusion is the library. Red-brick and modern, its purpose clearly mystifies and actually evades most Chavs. Occasionally, they can be spotted muttering and pointing in its direction whilst wheeling little Courtney Dakota back home for some Tartrazine flavoured juice and unsupervised play. Consequently, the library remains unvisited, un-graffittied and untouched. Because no-one knows what the f**k it is.
To deny yourself a trip past the local school would be remiss of you. That’s just down the road, pal, past the condemned housing. If you’re stuck for directions, ask any of the hundreds of 11-18 year old on the streets on any school day afternoon. They’ve all either been expelled or done a bunk.
I speak from experience here. I teach at Shenley Court School. Fears of an iminent Ofsted inspection and Failing School Status are second on the list after crowd control of the horrendous Chavs of the next generation. Spend a day here. Bet you a tenner you can’t tell me what the school’s uniform is by 3 o’clock. You might hazard a guess at thick gold hoops with curious white balls at the bottom as earrings for the girls. Hair slicked back with WD40 and gripped aggressively into place follows suit, as does so much badly applied foundation. The lads don’t really give a shit. They just can’t wait to join big brothers Shane and Duane in the pub and DSS office.
To pass over the fact that all these young Chavs ALL sport the very latest mobile phone, Burberry trousers, or enormous bomber jacket would be neglecting my role as tour guide. And the names! I have taught (I use the word very loosely) at various stages the following : Shane, Duane, Wayne, Tracey, Precious, Shovaun (its authentic Chav spelling actually pre-dates its oft-mistaken Celtic roots), Sh’main (what is it with Chavs and apostrophes?!), Jodie-Lee, Terri-Ann, Kerri-Ann. I taught a boy called John once. Maybe I dreamt it.
First period, Monday morning is devoted to (and here, I’m only half-joking) writing out apology letters to the Managers of New Look, Primark, Phones4U, and Claire’s Accessories for their weekend shoplifting efforts. Chav parents (having an average age of about 24 and a reading age of half that) can’t be expected to help their litter to spell, or find some paper, so let the “posh’uns” at the school help ‘em, eh? After that, it’s wagging it and “f**k all” timetabled for the rest of the week.
Anyway, the day’s nearly finished. Any questions? Apparently, Zara no longer thinks Deano is bum, just to keep you informed. No, the mums don’t work as cleaners or dinner ladies at the school – they’d have to miss Trisha and Fern & Phil for that. Plus it might constitute as work, and not soulless scrounging off the state. Anyway, have a safe journey home. You’ll thank Christ that wherever you’re from, it’s not Weoley Castle. Sorry, what was that? Why’s it called Weoley Castle? It’s Weoley Rough.
Very concerned to read that as a teacher he has no respect for the children he is paid over £30k a year to teach. Aren’t teachers supposed to be role models and help children in more than education but to find adults who care about them and can help them to make sense of the world they were born into? I live nearby in middle class suburbia and my children went to his school. All they needed protecting from was the teachers who didnt take their jobs seriously. I am going to send this to the new head at Shenley she will know who wrote this hopefully and use it for his annual appraisal. Who is wrong here the kids who didnt choose to be born into poverty or the teachers who should know better.
Don’t blame the teachers , blame the parents , as the teacher say’s most of these cannot wait for their giro , fags and pint .
How dare this jumped up prick of a teacher ridicule the kids he is paid to teach.i went to shenley court school and it was actually a great place,that is if you ignored the in-bred corduroy wearing patches on elbows smelly f**king teachers,that spent hours on end teaching us worthless shite like sewing,rugby, r.e,home economics and false f**king history,it was teachers like you that spouted shit like ‘someone from this school may one day become prime minister,conveniently forgetting eton is in f**king london,teachers are not deserving of the title they should be called chavers, and are responsible for the chav estates you are now writing of,shenley was a school where if you hit another pupil with a stick you would be taught how wrong this was by being hit by an adult with a stick,shenley court was probably the first school to ever have a pupil strike,showing they werent all as thick as you now try to portray,the fact you are working there and seemingly have to travel by bus simply means you have achieved f**k all in your life so are following the well worn route of f**king up the lives of poor unfortunate kids to appease your desire for revenge against a society in which you have failed and cant even get yourself a f**king car,sad sad bastard
If you live in the jungle you obey the laws of the jungle.People pretend that we live in a society where social mobility is as fluid as water.It is not.The liberal elite the capitalists and champagne socialists have forgotten the working class in this country.They’ve doped them up on fast food and cheap drugs.It’s always been this way.Fight my wars work in my factories read my newspapers – but don’t mis-behave.Well all I can say is that if you take hope and pride from people expect the worse.
i have just moved to weoley castle and i think you are very rude! this town is not half as bad as some of the other towns in birmingham. it is not disgusting, the bus driver is not terrified as i catch that bus near enough everyday. the top seats on the double decker are not wrecked. i sit on the top and none of them are as bad as you make out. look at other towns before you comment on this one. for your information the people in weoley castle are extremly friendly and welcoming. i disagree with your article immensly.
I hate the place f**king hate it,I never open the door to strangers not after what happened to me last december.I was awoken at 2am by a fratic knocking at the front door.My wife insisted I go and answer it,it maybe important she says,middle of winter,f**king freezing cold and I had to get out of my nice warm bed.I opened the front door,and theres this man covered in snow,”please Mr sorry to bother you do you think you could give me a push? Ive just……….”f**k off I said how dare you wake me up,this time in the morning,phone the AA.”Who was it? said my wife.A idiot wanting a push,stinking of booze to,shouldnt even be on the f**king road,good mind to call the police.I said.Oh dont be mean,remember that time our car broke down,and that kind stranger helped us?,if it wasnt for him wed proberly still be there now,said my wife.All right all right, I said, so I put my wellingtons on and my coat and went downs stairs and out into the freezing cold.Hello,do you still need a push?I said.Yes please came the reply.I looked around but I couldnt see nobody.Where are you exactly?I said.Over here!………on the swing.
ha ha, teachers got a real problem with weoley castle hasnt he! im not from there but close by. i cant agree more with smith, brilliantly written, i think teacher got told ‘sorry, youve not made the second interview’ at king edwards. hahahahahhahahahahhaha the prick. i bet he loves going back to mommys with all the stories from school! ha ha i can see him now ‘mommy,mommy theres these two girls spray tanned beyond belief at shenley with iphones and all sorts’ and then he runs off upstairs and cracks one off over them, in the same bed his rich uncle has probably just drilled his moms arse… what a fool teacher man or woman, i had nothing, lived and still do in longbridge and run a small accountancy practice in redditch. im sure for every one of those ‘chavs’ you so politely ridicule in your self opinionated statement that im sure is very well punctuated (maybe not as well as if you were practicing your teaching methods at a king edwards) that they are having a good f**king laugh doing whatever they choose to do, instead of writing in on websites, sat on their own, in their 1 bed flat, in a town they dont want to be in, without mommy.
tell you one thing you might have in common with them, a fuckin buspass
No body bothers me in Birmingham Im well hard,Im a body builder,I teach body building for a living,all the women love me cos Im so f**king ANORMOUS,Im massive mate,Im not just big Im like two seperate gorillas.I dont use conventional weights,huh! I mean conventional weights are for girls,might just as well lift polos on a matchstick if all you can bench press is conventional weights.Nar I got anti gravity weights from Tibet,none of that unpleasant bending and lifting stuff for me.Yeah Im f**king ANORMOUS now,I used to be a nine stone weakling,I used to jack off in the staff toilets at work about the girls in the office,I new if they saw me naked they would just burst out laughing so I started training,Tibeten style.Now after just a mere 17 years everyone fancys me,men and everything,when I walk through town I can just brush people aside like matchsticks,look over tall walls and everthing,wrestle poodles and win for a change,its f**king ace,Im f**king ace,Im brilliant,everyone loves me,everyone points and stuff at me,Im brilli…………..
Step of the 29 bus, straight in to a world of Hassle.
Unless you sport the B29ers tattoo from the crew of Weoley Castle.
Discount shops selling cage reared pork chops.
Queues at the doctors where old needles are swapped.
Kids sitting on curbs,
some pushing broken battery powered scooters.
The library is wrapped up like Fort Knox,
To protect the communal council computers.
Weoley Castle square, just beggars belief!
Spray tanned teenage moms, all missing 3 teeth.
60p out side market for 24 unknown origin eggs.
Blokes sayin’ “whose round is it? Up the counter in Greggs
Best of all is the Shipley’s Bingo Hall,
43000 strong all gambling their pension.
Eyes down ere’ we go!
You can feel the blue rinsed tension.
Security guards in the charity shops,
To stop scum nicking the Jigsaw puzzles.
Prams outside the post office shop,
Tied to Pit Bulls wearing muzzles.
Silver from the scratch cards,
2 inches deep on paving slabs.
Hungry Babies screams are drowned out,
by the screams of drunks being stabbed .
Ex-council house owners.
With leaded glass double glazing,
Shows his plasma of 108 inches
Thinking “it’s f**king amazing”
They got all the channels I said “all of em”
Including Blu Ray recorders.
Pause the film. The alarms have gone off,
Northfield boy’s av’ crossed the Boarders.
80 acrylic mix wrapped chavs,
On the car park of the Castle Boozer.
Northfield lose the battle this time,
Yet ….Every one in Weoley castle is still a loser
I have recently move to Birmingham and unfortunately very near Weoley Castle, which admittedly is disgusting. However as an educator should you not be educating these “chavvy’ children about a better life and how to get out of the circle of poverty they are born into? You obviously cannot do your job as a teacher as well as you or the British education system think. It’s a shame as Teachers in the UK have a lot of influence, yes it’s true the youth of today are challenging and sometimes dam right rude to the point you want to smack them in the face, but you chose to be a teacher! Obviously you graduated with a 2:2 or a 3rd otherwise you would have applied in a higher rating school as you obviously are not in the profession for the love of educating. I think it’s you Sir (only a male would write in such a style about such a subject) who needs educating in social awareness and how not to be judgmental. I wonder what you would make of me if you bumped into me in the street…appearance, accents and lifestyles can be deceiving!
Well…how funny! I have just read and enjoyed the article very much, it was witty and consise…however…I disagree with many many of the points that were so caustically written. Firstly as a mother of two that actually attended Shenley and left with 10 gcses 4 A levels and more exboyfriends than i can count, i am appalled that a teacher who is supposed to council and guide these kids however *chavvy* they may be has such a bile ridden opinion of their charges! Shame on you, do you really beieve that these kids dont pick up on your atrocious attitude towards them? secondly yes weoley castle is a dump, it is poverty stricken and the unemployment is high…perhaps that is due to the attitude of the teachers at the local comprehensive. I am unemployed, if being a fulltime and mother is considered scrounging then yup im a scrounger, way i see it is until i had my children i worked ( an bloody hard) i paid my taxes and will do again. Or would the author of the article prefer me to dump the fruit of my loins in childcare and work in the local chippy…after all im sure having a paid job seems far more important! Now call me sarcastic but m wondering why a *teacher* with such a conservative attitude is actually working in such a poverty ridden *chavtastic* appointment as shenley, one has to wonder whether its because the blue coat school or king edwards grammer told you in a very softly spoken middle english voice to piss off?! fact is love them or hate them areas like weoley castle exsist because the the expectations that the future generations have of themselves is so low. Because nobody cares enough to show these kids they can have more and as ive said before, for a teacher to loathe and be so prejudice against his or her own pupils id truely sad and utterley unacceptable.
f**k you kevin!!!, biff is soo right weoly will f**k up you people come back when your bigger and have some balls, dik eds, when you come here look for me, my names conor monoghan.