A simple hop, step and a jump into the county of Derbyshire and you will stumble across the tragically run down town of Alfreton.

Although a tiny town, the chav population outweighs the normal population by about 3-1. As ever there is a paaaaahnd shop in the vicinity and more quality clothing outlets than your eyes will believe, with couture such as Johnny J’s and Bon Marché, who would want to take the risk and shop elsewhere?

Although there is no Maccas there is a f**k off Wilkos with a pick and mix selection, that seems to attract the younger chavs like wasps. Vulgar language will most certainly be heard in this area, as Trace attempts to break the vice-like grip of her young chavlings, who are pocketting the gob-stoppers and liquorice laces.

General meeting places for the teen chavs is the area by the bus-station, where they can dream of the day that they will be able to scrape together the bus fare to visit other places. Loud conversations about “weak birds” and the gentle sound of the flicking of pages of “Max Power” are the norm.

Chavettes tend to favour the area by Boots and Superdrug, as they can loudly discuss losing their virginity, with maximum impact. Luckily there is also a Greggs wannabe pie shop, where the larger girls can stock up on artery clogging pasties and where buggy access is at its best.

Ironically, Alfreton has many banks and building societies, i suspect these are just a pipe-dream or are only used for business purposes, and/or money laundering. Customer service is a foreign concept, as is actually getting the correct change during transactions….but complain at your own risk!

Back in the day Alfreton used to be a bustling little town, ideal for fetching a fresh loaf or a link of sauages from the butchers. Now i would only enter this town in order to go elsewhere, or if i wanted a cheap laugh!

Nowadays, the pubs start up a roaring trade at 11am for the unemployed, and are brimming by 3! The hidous perms of my youth have been replaced by slap-backs, so tight that it brings a tear to the eye. The uniform is the usual sports wear, with rip-offs readily available at the market…..it is not uncommon to see larger ladies sport “Von-Bitch” or “Pussy Sport” fitted T-shirts under their adidas puffa jackets. The gents “keep it real” with terrible dental hygiene, Adidas, Nike and Ben Shermans. All year round, the male chavs of Alfreton will feel the need to go coatless, maybe this is a sign of their masculinity? Needless to say it’s not us normal people in our nice coats that look like tits when it is lashing it down on a November’s day.

If you’re ever in the region….this is a must-see town, a real delight, if you like that sort of thing….

Alfreton, 7.8 out of 10 based on 4 ratings