Mitcham is situated on the border of “Saaaaaaarf” London and Surrey. It is situated in close proximity to Streatham, Croydon, Tooting, Wimbledon and Sutton. Mitcham used to be a half-decent little town with reasonable local shops and a very pretty cricket green area. Unfortunately Mitcham has been forever blighted by the dramatic increase in housing association properties which has created an influx of chavs from the surrounding London boroughs.
Mitcham now caters almost exclusively for its chav clientelle. 85% of businesses are fast food joints – kebab shops, fish and chip shops, fried chicken shops, McDonalds etc. We also have several “pound shop” type shops that are so cheap and nasty that the proprietors haven’t even bothered naming them. They are piled high with the sort of crap that only a mindless chav would find appealing (assorted scrunchies, fake “designer” perfumes, unbranded electrical goods etc.). There is a small street market that sells, amongst other such chavvy delights, fake “designer” handbags (Louis Vuitton knock-offs being de-rigour in Mitcham – especially when matched with a Juicy couture velour tracksuit and Council-estate facelift).
The main hang-outs for chavs in Mitcham are McDonalds (of course!), the fair green (you can stop at Costcutter on the way for some cheap foreign lager whose name you cannot pronounce) or The Cricketers or Burn Bullock pubs. Both pubs are conveniently located within spitting distance of the benefit office. Willow Lane industrial estate is a very popular hangout for joyriders and boy-racers alike. If you are a chav with children you are more than likely to be a patron of the Brewer’s Fayre pub on Mitcham Common. This is a “family pub” which means that chavs can stand at the bar and drink until they can stand no more whilst completely neglecting to control or care for their “delightful” children who spend all evening endeavouring to destroy everything in their path” and torturing smaller children in the ball-pit. A pitbull or Staffordshire bull terrier should be tied to the bike stand outside as it will come in handy for threatening any non-chav parent who suggests that maybe the chav parent(s) could stop their kids beating up the non-chav’s kids.
The Mitcham male chav is usually bare chested (and even more usually pigeon chested!) he will be sporting a fake “Burbree” cap or a pure white Nike one with matching white trainers. The cap should be worn at an angle and the peak should be as large as is possible and pointed upwards. When fully clothed, the Mitcham male chav has a strong preference for Hackett, Le Coq Sportif or Nickelson polo-shirts. On no account should the Mitcham chav be working (at least not legally!). He will also have several children by several different women by the age of 20 or he will be an underachiever and spurned by fellow chavs. He should be spotted bullying the local corner shop owner into exchanging his baby’s milk tokens for cans of Special Brew.
The Mitcham female chav is often scarier looking than her male counterpart. You would rather get into an altercation with her pitbull terrier than the female chav herself. The female chav will be dragging around at least 3 children, none of whom will share the same father (or even know what the concept of a “father” is). The female chav will be sporting the aforementioned council-house facelift i.e her hair will be pulled up on top of her head with a scrunchie (3 for a paahnd from the market) thus giving her a slight oriental appearance. Female chavs usually have child no1 somewhere between the ages of 14 and 16. Most are considered old-hands at the act of childbirth by the age of 18. Female chavs like to show their midriff no matter how flabby, stretchmarked or white and pasty this may be. They like to wear gold earrings the size of onion rings and 3 pairs in each ear is the norm. They usually manage to stretch their single parent benefit enough to splash out on American ghetto style airbrushed nail extensions and the ultimate accessories are fake Louis Vuitton handbags and extremely large gold clown or ragdoll pendants. Foundation should be at least 5 shades darker than the natural skin tone and lipstick should be candy-floss pink. The female chav should always have several carrier bags of unknown foodstuffs from Lidl or Netto attached to her pram or buggy.
A female Mitcham chav’s greatest ambition is to own the entire range of gold jewellery from “‘lizabeff jook” at Argos . A male Mitcham chav’s greatest ambition is to own a Vauxhall Nova and customise it with “tasteful” accessories and body kit from Halfords.
The greatest ambition of any non-chavs unfortunate enough not to have escaped Mitcham already is to be able to afford to get out of Mitcham ASAP.
Hitler had it right. Gypsy vermin! a nuclear bomb strike on Mitcham would be a welcome relief to the whole of humanity.
Fuk all you mitcham is the best we are in the middle of every1 nobody fuks with us get me so shut the fuk ups wankers
Mitcham is the only place I’ve been to in Britain where the traffic lights have instructions
Ok, well I have just moved to Mitcham, and as I am from out of town, I had no idea about the level of chavity that seems t obe so prominent here. Mind you I live in Upper Mitcham just over the border. But I have to say that since moving here I feel that this is the least glamourous place I have ever lived in London. Something seems very wrong, very horribly wrong. I guess its the chavity and the gangs… that could be it. I have to say it sucks and I am going to move away from here as soon as I can.
Oh.. and there seems to be no wild life… I have not seen a bird since moving here…
Where have you been looking – if you visit Mitcham Common you will see plenty of geese, coots, ducks, birds and the famour parakeets. Yes there are some chavi shops but there is still a great hardware shop, lovely Vets and all the high street banks closely situated together, plus the Cricket green and nearby park are still lovely.
Mitcham is the HEART of Darkness.
I was going to view a propery there
I walk thru there for 35 mins and couldn’t find anyone who spoke english.Polish,Sommalian no english.
Then I came aross a short white dwarf of a woman,with fat poc marked features with 4 Pink shell suited offspring.
Asking the Fat Pikie retard for directions.
“I’s go stright on,like thatways..JORDON SHUT THE F**K UP or I’ll F**king KILL YOU”.After which she paused to get out a can of Stella from the pushbuggy,AND give it to one of offspring.
After getting to the house,I appoligised to the owner ” sorry I don’t even want to look m8,Mitchams no for me”.
He looked a me with begging pitiful eyes..”PLEASE I need to sell,I’ll drop the price”.Poor Barstead,I relly feel for him.
Shit hole looks like a set from Madmax Thunderdome only the set from that was cleaner.
I never want to go to that shell suited scum infested 3rd world HELL Hole of a toilet AGAIN.You can acc’ly see the scum bag inhabitates DEVOLVING in front of you into lower forms of life.
I now live in Hammersmith.It like f**king Eden compaired to that RAT hole.
Mitcham is the arsehole between Wimbledon and Tooting. I made the mistake of getting a housing association flat here 7 years ago, thinking I could get my foot on the property ladder (believing all the shit about the ‘regeneration programme and getting sucked in by the talk of Mitcham Eastfields station), then sell up after a few years and move somewhere nicer. BIG MISTAKE – have been trying to escape ever since!!! Myself and my husband are a professional couple with good jobs and we realise we DO NOT belong here! The people in the local newsagent make lovely idle chat with me and conversation is usually along the lines of ‘so are you going to work’ (at 9pm at night) assuming I work in a factory/do shift work. umm……yeah?
whenever we venture out into the unknown, I find myself having to dress down, (i.e. wear my pyjama’s, have a croydon facelift, look like shit) in order to blend in and not attract any unwanted attention. My husband has to wear a suit and makes sure it is hidden when he walks through the town centre. Our neighbours are yardies that play shit music into all hours of the night and no one says anything (including the police/environmental health) coz everyone is too scared.
The people in the flat upstairs have a family living in each room (2 bedroom flat). There are about 16 people in the flat.
Have to say, readingeverything below, I am absolutely astounded that myself nor my husband have ever been mugged or stabbed. Although I was followed home off the bus one night by an asian lad high on something, he followed me off the bus, I ran straight into the main road narrowly missing traffic, ran to my shithole block of flats (which are poorly lit and have a dead end side access road to get to the front door) and he followed me making monkey noises!!!
Oh and the next day, two black teenagers carrying a box of banana’s followed me (at 5pm?!?!?) saying there were going to rape me.
Oh yes and the time that a car full of polish lads pulled up at the lights and opened the doors and started gesturing to me, shouting at me trying to get me into the car. It was broad daylight.
So, if you haven’t been mugged or stabbed, you will probably be sexually assaulted. I have a baby now and I cry every night because I am desperate for him to not grow up here.
Luckily we have just sold the flat and moving away from the area and the last six months have been the longest of my life – just waiting on the completion date now and when I leave I think I might firebomb this godforesaken hell hole…..
I lived in Phipps Bridge, then moved to the “red flats” – I often wondered if we were the trouble, it seemed to follow us. Saying that, the red flats people were nice when we first moved in and for many years, but the whole face of Mitcham changed. I finally managed to “get out” nearly two years ago, but feel quite sad that in the last few years I hated living there and presently, I never want to return.
We loved you, Mitcham, f**king Merton Council neglected and destroyed you.
i used to live in mitcham aspen gardens then the red flats then phipps bridge and finally armfield crescent next to mitcham library thankfully i moved away to hull in yorkshire in 2002 and have never looked back mitcham is an awful place to live and all i do now is look at nice scenery and get out to nice places so glad i moved
Home to some of the most smelly and overweight women in the whole of the South east of England. If you see a slim goodlooking healthy looking woman, you can bet your money that she’s Polish or Russian. Drive around the area during school run time and you’ll see what I mean.
London’s streets are paved with Gold… Mitchams are paved with dog turds from the ever growing population of pitbull type dogs in the area.
Getting money out of a cash point in Mitcham should be part of the SAS selection process. A frightening experience for anyone.
oi bruv, aint nuffin wrong with mitcham. coz sum of us work for virgin media we base in progress way an trust me bruv we i install your telly an ting im nicking wot eva i can lay my hands on in your gaff ya get me)
chav’s no more after 5 pm guaranty to get mugged and robbed with police and cid sitting on the arses
watching it happen and due to them being to fat to run after the the crocks hope cctv catch them well also if you are a thief drug dealer or mugger the local labour mp would give you her very own personal reference to get you off any crime,
mitcham has one of the largest gang crimes now the chavs are out the gangs made of black Asian and eastern europeans or want to be’s whites that act west indian or asian this is made up of 17 gangs that also can been seen fighting for a place on the brick wall near icelands
I was in Mitcham and coming my city in America it looked very clean and tidy and in my city it is common to see young folks hanging out in front of Chinese Stores etc…. I’m very surprised to see this article but when a person is not from a certain area they don’t know how it really is.
Mitcham is truly a remarkable chav town.As you take a wander from Mitcham tram stop past the benefit office next to the shut down Burn Bullock pub (the historic drug riddled local)you are greeted by a lovely little cricket green,that contains loads of chavs walking their pitbulls.If you then look across the road the is a pub called The Hooden On The Green,dont be mistaken by its decieving looks…This pub is the main fight arena for all mitcham chavs trying to be the no 1 scummer.Many a fight kicking off ,as chavs and chavettes cheer on the totally uneven fights.3 onto 1 is the norm for these little oinks.If you manage to survive a night out that pub and are brave enough to walk home make sure you have eyes in the back of your head as a mugging very often occurs.if you manage to get home safetly,the following morning you can recover from your hangover by visiting the cafe on the green which in fact used to be the public toilets.At about 10.30 in the morning after your piss hole breakfast you can sit on Mitcham Fair green with the many alcoholics that are in the area swigging there special brew and strong cider.For lunch you can enjoy a chicken burger from the world famous Mr Kebab before buying your cocaine that is more baby teething powder than actual drugs.Than as the evening sets in you can watch the major traffic jam that builds up all round mitcham since some twat made it all one way. In all i rate Mitcham as the ultimate Chav Town in all of saaarf london.
When I broke up with by bird who was from the lovely australia she moved in with some tasty birds in Lowrey crescent where the old paint factory used to be, She never new mitchams chav pikey history and all the people who lived in its durastriction, however she was in the thick of them and used to tell me "oh i love it here these people are so not mitcham" until she shagged one of their fellas and put some nasty rumours around about them, she is now running from the sharp side of their swords and threatening them with the police, The story goes on even further now where she has bragged about shagging 4 fellas a week and saying she loves the reputation, Now please tell me who is "so mitcham" now ???
Err bit late now I know, but Merton council have this on the latest urban plan document (a huge waste of money) we get one because we have moaned before. Originally it was supposed to branch from Mitcham Jctn, cut across 3 kings …. travel down commonside east by the pond …. mmmmmm. Then idea was to reroute along the main rd into upper green east. Merton Council are devious. Good luck with the long hair and cowboy boots, you are a brave man, but you raise the spirits of those like me. The women round here scare me more than the men. And hoorah for the fundamentalist muslim school. I dream of moving somewhere like Kingston. Which shows how bad things are ….
When you say "Red flats" do you mean the flats near B&Q on Sadlers Close?
If so, you may be interested to know two things:
1) According to a colleague that once worked for B&Q, this particular store is held up/burgled the most in the whole of the UK!
2)The aforementioned flats recently got a local councillor into trouble, when she let her guard down and publicly referred to them as an eyesore and on a par with Colditz!
Mitcham Police have finally cottoned on that Mitcham is a lawless, drug ridden Chavtown and are now making a farsical attempt to regain law and order by raiding Mitcham Pubs. They storm in (depending whether the door opens in or out - this apparently confuses them) and handcuff and search the customers. Apparently, if you are cheeky you get strip searched! The only place where this has not gone down badly is The White Lion of Mortimer and rumour has it this is because the majority of customers were too pissed to realise it happened, having been their since 9.30 in the morning.
Too little too late I think!
This is a very informed view on my wonderfull hometown, gladly i had to leave some ten years ago. Mitcham Fair Green was a quite nice affair in the early- mid eigties, flowers,broken town clock – looked ok. the gang that hang around then where "band stand boys|". wooooo.!
the scummers have allways been in pollards and red flats.lovelybunch.
Mc donalds is, agreed -the heart of darkness, as is Block busters Bus Terminal. Driving around that one way system, you can take in the cosmopolitan feel of a new Mitcham. Starting at Amen corner the hive of multi lingual internet cafe/video shop/western union/tamil entertainment centre etc.now continues through Mitcham to nettos foods. The latter nicely backing on to the love lane -rocky area. Also known as phipps bridge estate, it is legendary with any mean talking chav.
Although Mitcham has at least 2 traveller sites since-some chav will care, the dopey pikey wannabee idiots are a new breed of brainwashed lemons living in down town no where.
mitchaki/kibosh/da ki chav etc…. lovelly.
we need a bigger place to live and are looking for an exchange. plenty of people wanting to downsize live in mitcham so im not budging.
my mum : but mitcham is becoming a nice area, especially when they build the big asda shopping centre.
me : choke on cup of tea.
asda is a chav mecca and bunging on in mitcham will only add to the problems. granted there probably are some nice parts of mitcham but when i go there to visit my sister (oh yes, chav tendencies) im constantly looking over my shoulder while walking through the town centre through fear of being attacked/mugged by one of the many chavs/chavettes.
Having thankfully fled Mitcham and its growing swarm of whiffy pond life, I cannot agree with this beautifully observed homage more. So evocative of the Mitcham Chavscape it made me itch. Laurie, I salute your piognant memories of a once charming village now blemished by Big Mac cartons, nylon England flags, and ear pierced toddlers sniffing glue.
n.b. Swarm of Chavs; what is the official collective term? A Shellsuit of Chavs? A Burberry of Chavs? A FullTwoHourTrishaSpecial of Chavs? Answers on a dole card please.
absolutely brilliant..i work in Mitcham and shall be sending links throughout the office on this one