No, I’m not from Sunnydale, but instead from sunny Plymouth. Before I get done under the Trade Descriptions Act, it does actually piss it down most of the time; when it is sunny (pretty rare), those delightful rays are blocked out by a writhing mass of pure scum.
Yes, we have pikeys in white Nikeys, scrotes in Von Dutch coats, twats in Burberry hats and janners in souped-up bangers all over the friggin place.
A typical day in Janners land will start with your average 13-15 yr old chavette ensuring little Chardonnay gets a nutritious breakfast. This will involve taking said trainee chav via taxi down to the nearest McD’s and praying to God (Nike or Hackett depending upon religion) that she gets home in time for Trisha. Meanwhile, the male chav of this happy ensemble will also be tucking into his petite dejeunner thanks to those nice people at HMP Dartmoor.
All the while, the local radio station, Plymouth Sound will be cranking out a few chavvy tunes and mostly adverts for the local Lizzy Duke at Argos. However, herein lies a surprise. Only last Friday, the female presenter, Leanne (I kid you not!) said that the city centre was awash with Burberry wearing dickheads and ‘it was so 4 years ago!’ Good on you girl!
Later in the day, Plymouth chavs will realise that they are bereft of their one hope in the world – the lottery ticket! All around the city can be heard the immortal phrase ” I’m goin up Asdas an gettin me lottries”. (honestly, they really do say this – and any local will know that Janners chavs will add the letter S to anything.)
Approaching twilight and finally the real action starts. A glance at the Plymouth roads will yield the bystander to a totally free (and possibly deadly) Banger race meeting. Yep, all the usual souped up Novas, Fiestas and Saxo’s that managed to escape Sunday’s Scrapheap Challenge. However, even some of the licensed Hackney carriages have neon lights on their wipers!
And so, time to bed. (or in Janners chav speak, ‘and so, time to bed any old pissed up, fat chavette sporting almost bugger all clothes and a 99p thong that makes her look like Sunday’s roast pork joint)
That’s it for now, it’s getting dark and there’s chav slaying to be done.
