Dudley is in a part of the Midlands known as the Black Country, so named because of its heavy industry. The landscape was once littered with horrific factories spewing out filthy black smoke into the atmosphere, leaving it permanently enveloped in black gloom. Hence the name, The Black Country. That will give you some idea of what the place is like – how many regions can you name that are officially named after its obscene pollution levels?

I once heard Dudley being described by the arsehole of the world by a man who lives in London. No, not the arsehole of Britain … the arsehole of the WORLD. I agree. I live there, and it’s the most miserable cesspit ever. It is a depressing brown and grey mass of stinking, derelict buildings, which in part can be blamed on the opening of the Merry Hill shopping centre. This caused most decent shops to either move or close down, leaving chav friendly shops such as MaccyD’s, poundworld and a terrible cheap clothes shack called Rock Bottom, presumably named so because you would have to have hit rock bottom to consider shopping in there. I also like to call this shop VultureLand, due to the terrible mêlées that occur when 2 or more chavs spot the same tracksuit bottoms for 99p “Oyyy! Its mine! Dow yow touch itt!” “I saw it first ya slaaaggg!”, it resembles vultures fighting amongst themselves as they pick at a stinking corpse.

A few years back, I was walking to Dudley Town Centre with a friend , when a group of 3 chavlings, about 14 years of age, with white caps and Neanderthal movements, came lolling up to us shouting abuse for no reason at all. Then they picked up stones, pelted them at us, and threw a particularly large brick off the back of my friends head, sending blood everywhere. They ran off sniggering. This unprovoked violence is what passes for entertainment to the community of chavs in Dudley. (I have always called them Neanderthals or cap boys long before I heard of chavs.)

One question that visitors to Dudley often ask (along with “Why did I come here?” and “How can you cope to live in such a squalid environment”?) is “What’s the with island sculptures?” Let me explain. Dudley council evidently had thousands of pounds of money to spend on the town to make it better. So rather than spend it on a much needed police presence, or on health care, education, the roads… or ANYTHING useful, some bright spark decided that it would be great for the people of Dudley to look at sculptures on the islands while they sit in traffic (traffic which could have been relieved with this funding). So while we sit in traffic, coughing from the excessive fumes, we can look at such wonders as MONKEY ISLAND at Castle Gate… sculptures of strange monkey/lion type creatures, a collection of balls, a bell, some sort of unholy scythe that looks like the grim reaper dropped it because it was too ugly… the list goes on. Thousands were spent on these modern art travesties, but the worst of all has to be the horrendous rusty Pegasus statue they put on Scotts Green island. (Locals call it “Peggys ‘Oss” … Oss being Black Country for Horse.) I don’t know if these works of ‘art’ were meant to cheer us up, but it has the opposite effect on most.

If you think the chavs that are infesting our towns like vermin are bad now, then you have a shock coming. I work in a Dudley school and I see first hand the next generation of skum that are being bred here, ready for release over the next few years. Vicious, sadistic little beasts who destroy and damage anything in their path, who scream abuse at anyone nearby for the sake of it. Any attempt to challenge their behaviour by long suffering teachers is met with pathetic excuses and moaning in their awful Black Country dialect (which is perhaps the worst mangling of the human language ever) – “It worrr even me tho! I day do it! It was ‘im an’ all! Yer mom!!!” (Translation: “I am completely innocent. Another person is responsible for this offence. I also believe that you are a foolish person.”)

Add to this industrial nightmare a laughable list of ‘tourist attractions’, such as Dudley Zoo, whose only animal attractions consist of a few snails, some shell-shocked wallabies, and an emaciated lion. There is also the Black Country museum (not a bad day out actually, but very overpriced. Quite Chav free, though, because they can’t afford admission on the dole.) Neither of these attractions are worth the visit. Especially not the zoo. Recently a group of primary school kids broke into Dudley Zoo and beat a baby wallaby to death and threw it into a pond. This is the mindset of the youth of Dudley. If you think the current generation of chav is bad, you ain’t seen NOTHING yet.

Dudley, 7.5 out of 10 based on 2 ratings

Even as a new user, I’m surprised to see the lack of reference to Dudley in your lovely site.
Ahh, my home town. The place that God forgot. Trust me, readers, if chavs were aeroplanes, Dudley is a f**king international airport.
The interests of the Dudley chav include many delightful and generally illegal things. When they’re not spending their time impregnating people called Destiny/Liberty/Trinity in bus shelters, the average Barry enjoys ‘goin down da showcase’. Dudley showcase complex includes chav magnet attractions such as
da flicks, a bowling alley, KFC, and some rubbish chain restaurant which chavs would obviously see as just about as classy as it gets.
But naturally, the main reason for chav survival in the Dudley wilderness is Merry Hill. Or, as it is commonly known, ‘Da Mezzas’. Ideal spot for chav watching, shagging, shooting, whatever. All three tend to happen on a regular basis. It is quite simply a heaven for the typical Kev, Baz or Shaz, including delights such as the Footlocker, McDonalds (three of them. Three.), and da JJB lol. Discount Gold is another classy joint that does well up mezza’s, due to the fact it is the only place that sells ten-inch clown necklaces. The shop was also bombarded with burberry on the occasion that excessively large hoop earrings with small silver balls on the bottom got reduced from five quid to, er, £4.99.
Stourbridge is also a migration spot for Dudley chavs. The reason for this being the Monday under-18 night at the Picture House. This piece-of-shit club, as it is commonly known by those with a sense of smell, is where da ppl go to fockin, fockin err, pump an grind innit lol. Obviously this will never compare to the urban legend that is Chill, Friday nights at Telford ice rink. Lord knows how many people have lost their virginities to chavs in that park. Or that queue.
May I introduce you to a friend of mine. He goes by the name of Dean Wittz. We daren’t ask what his middle name is due to the likely event of his producing a flick-knife. We think it’s Mary.
Dean lives in the sunny town of Pensnett. This quaint village is an unlikely place to find scut or shit.
Like f**k it is, it’s where Dean lives.
In his own words, Dean enjoys activities such as:

I lyk chattin up girl’z
I lyk dance an trance LOL
Hangin an trekin wit m8s
Drug’z
Car’z
Toyota Supra’z
Subaru Impreza’z

The list goes on.
He claims his favourite quotes to be:

Hu da fock iz dat and av I got er numba
Yo yo yo ppl in da ouse
Nat iz fit I wish I was wiv her!!!!!

You get the picture. Pretty traumatic stuff. His other hobbies include scratching my friend Kim’s name into his arm. Apparently now he has chosen to court a certain ‘Nat’ seemingly because ‘her iz fit ay her’.
And so it is, Dudley. NOW you know where you’ll be spending your next holiday.
As far away from the shit hole as possible.

Dudley, 7.5 out of 10 based on 2 ratings