Banbury. Surely the home of Chavdom. I lived in West London (Kew) for 20 years and moved here in 2001 – I don’t think I’ve quite got over the culture shock even now. It all starts to go wrong at the railway station where a bunch of Pikeys have set up their caravans nearby sending their kids to vandalise cars in the car park, abusing passengers leaving and arriving at the station (for no obvious reason) and generally throw copious amounts of rubbish into the river – what a lovely sight to welcome you to the town!

As you tread carefully over the bizarre new road system into the main town centre you are met with those giants of Chav High Street Shopping, McDonalds, Pizza Hut, Ca$h Converters, Argos, TK-Maxx, NewLook and Poundstretcher. Oddly there is a Laura Ashley shop near the Castle Quay shopping centre (Chav Heaven if its raining), but this is a one-off. All the scumbag pubs offer “doubles for £1.65″ to discourage binge drinking (Banbury is a no-go area for non-chavs on a Friday and Saturday night), and there are plenty of extremely dodgy-looking shops offering two tattoos for the price of one and a free spoiler with every £1 spent at Baseball Caps-R-Us. Outside one particular tattoo shop sits the car of “Mr Banbury” as I call him – blue lights under the car itself and on the wipers, massive (massif?) spoiler, thumping bass, darkened windows, three aeriels, extra large dodgy-sounding exhaust pipe, and customised alloy wheels about 8 foot thick…there are many (hundreds of) pretenders to “Mr Banbury’s” throne but none come close…..

We don’t seem to have a Primark but it can’t be long before Laura Ashley shuts its doors.

On entering the ‘Market town’ of Banbury you may be forgiven for thinking that you have entered the land that time (and decency) forgot. The city is appropriate to house so many chavs as it is one of the biggest dumps I have ever had the misfortune to live in. Roaming the streets in the standard chav attire are litteraly 100′s of chavettes who look barely old enough to be at school, let alone wheeling a 3 kid buggy down the highstreet. Don’t talk, look or even approach this pond life unless you are happy having a string of incorrent but still highly offensive ramblings hurled at you – what cha luking at ya fxxxing wankxr?. Burberry and Henry Lloyd is almost out of their permit with most sporting a 3-99 buy one get one free ‘trackie’ from Aldi or pound strecher or one of the other legendary chav outlets (cash converters). Cash converters is the main employer in the city and every day a long queue forms to hand in the previous nights thieving. Shouts from staff of ‘Are you sure this isn’t stolen?’ ring through the store and the chavs (male) look down at their ‘stereo’ which consists of a badly damaged car stereo with the wires hanging out the back.
Hurtling past you at max speed you will see a never ending stream of ‘done up’ nova’s and escorts many with personally customised items – ie taping other car parts from the previous nights robbing to the original chassis. The highlight of the day is trying to race one of the few owners of mercs & ‘beemers’ off the lights but by the time the other car is in the distance they will still be sat at the lights in a plume of clutch and exhaust smoke with drum and bass playing at 10000 decibles from a 5 watt radio (stolen). Many of these fools can regularly be seen swigging from open beer cans whilst attempting to be a rally driver through the centre of town. Lets not be too harsh as very few can read or write and so they are unlikely to be to comprehend laws or read street signs. The traditonal hangouts of ‘Mackee dees’ are littered with gangs of 12 year old boys smoking ‘reefers’ and abusing anyone that walks past. That is until one of the many drug dealers walks past (in a more upmarket chav attire ie an addidas tacksuit) and with more gold than Mr.T (all stolen) shouting abuse at them until realsing it is their own kids and make them go to where they should be – robbing diner from tesco’s. I would talk of drinking holes but there are simply too many to mention and most of the chavs drink on the street or in phone boxes. This town is not scraping the bottom of the gene pool because IT IS the bottom of the gene pool and I apologise to other cities for it spreading so widely. My advice is if you see / smell this ‘pleasant market’ town then keep driving – you are not welcome – especially if you are remotely normal or have any sense of taste whatsoever. DON’T PUT DOWN YOUR WINDOWS – you wouldn’t put your windows down in the zoo and the same principle should be applied here. JUST KEEP DRIVING.