Once proudly referred to as the ‘Home of The British Army’ now more commonly referred to as the ‘Home to a British army of genetically suspect chavs.’
From the Burger King carpark sound offs (from the back of whale-tailed 1.0 Novas) to the ‘designer’ outlet stores – this place really does ooze chav from every concrete pore.
With soaring house prices and a more mobile population, when my wife and I decided to get on the property ladder, we thought nothing of moving further away from London in order to get more for our money. We tracked the railway routes out of the city until we found a suitable town that offered the size of property we wanted within budget. Unfortunately for us…..we ended up in Aldershot.
It’s hard to put your finger on which factor makes Aldershot the ultimate chav town….there are just so many.
A drive through Burger King is a must. The Aldershot one is conveniently located next to a car wash – which means that Burberry clad goons can grab some grease in a bun (to help their already pitted complexion) and clean their Lax Power-mobiles at the same time. This combination of fast food and ride blingabilty has led to the car park becoming a mini-cruise / meet up spot. Darren and Chantelle can be seen, boots open, lairy baseball cap suitably perched right on top of their empty skulls, nodding their heads to the drum and bass blasting from the car. Elizabeth Duke jewelery can be compared and swapped and hub caps stolen easily for those yet to make the leap to the dizzy heights of alloy wheel ownership.
The town centre itself is awash with Chav town must-haves. We have a pound shop, which I have to admit I’ve been in, and twice I heard the long suffering shop keeper asked “‘Scuse mate….ahhh much is dis innit?”. A pound mate. Everything’s a pound.
There are a variety of charity shops and discount outlets, the best of which is at the top of the Wellington Centre. This designer outlet sells only the tat that noone in their right mind would buy. Neon yellow Moschino singlets and mishapen brown Valentino cords adorn the window display. Porscha and Wayne can often be seen rummaging through this haute couture dog shit, and shouting “Fackinell…deese Armani jeens is awnly twenty paaand…I’m ‘avin ‘em innit….”.
Yes, moron. They are only £20 because they are lime green with ARMANI plastered up the leg. Giorgio was probably on acid when he designed those f**king monstrosities.
Then there’s the nightlife.
According to one local, Aldershot nightlife has ‘mellowed’ since most of the para regiments were relocated a few years ago.
Hmmm….I wonder what it USED to be like.
There are a variety of chav hangouts – in fact it’s hard to find a pub in Aldershot that isn’t full of either Chavs or ridiculously hard squaddies. The squaddies are easy to spot. The ‘Baghdad tan’, 12 empty pint glasses on the table and the look in the eyes of a man denied sex for months on end are the sure signs that you’re eyeballing one of her majesty’s finest.
Perhaps the best Chav spots are The Goose (Wetherspoons) and Yates. The Goose boasts and interesting mix of scum, from benefit fraudster single Mums to Ben Sherman clad council workers. Whatever the weather, and whatever the night of the week, you’re sure to find a fight, some blood on the floor in the toilet cubicle and a girl left on the curb crying over the way ‘that wankaaa’ treats her.
Despite these chav-tastic horror shows, perhaps the jewel in Aldershots crown is the nightclub. Cheeks. Cheeks by day looks like an old abandoned cinema – long past its date for demolition. By night it is a breeding ground for Aldershots roughest and toughest chav males, and saddest, fattest and most desperate females. It’s hard to walk past the door on a Friday or Saturday night without being dragged in by some makeup caked mother and daughter combo (the daughter being 30 years old and 32 stone) who want to ‘…take a nice young geezer like you ‘ome and boaf ‘av a go….’. The floor is genuinely sticky and the walls adorned with very poorly drawn glow-in-the-dark tributes to the likes of Madonna and Michael Jackson.
And as if Cheeks wasn’t enough, we have Tiffanys. Tiffanys is a strip club. Apparantly. Although, I have been to enough strip clubs to know that this is not one! The girls who dance (no word of a lie) do not have notes thrust into their G-strings, they walk around with pint glasses, and dance when they feel they have collected enough loose change from the punters! And the girls themselves look like rejects from a Roly-Poly tribute band. It’s hard to put into words just how poor this place is.
A friend of mine had a private dance forced upon him – the girl pulled a shabby curtain across a cubicle and plugged some speakers into a Sony Walkman before gyrating her sweating flabby mass all over him. Half way through this torture he was saved as the Walkman chewed the Snap megamix she was dancing to, and the lard arsed whore ran off in tears.
And the icing of the cake for this fine establishment…..it bills itself as a B&B! No doubt, if required, rooms are available by the hour.
I could go on and on detailing the groups of phone box vandals and chip-chuckers that roam around the town waiting for Mum to finish the night shift at Tiffanys, but to be honest I’m depressing myself now.
It’s not just a bad gene pool and a military back ground that make Aldershot the sess pool it is. It’s not just the concrete, characterless, buildings and lack of ‘proper’ retail outlets. It’s a combination of all of these factors, combined with the overwhelming sense of desperate hoplessness that you get when you spend a few hours within its dreary confines, that leads me to conclude that…(in the words of the Burger King campaign)….if you want Chav…and you go to Aldershot – “You got it!”.
funny rant!!
you poor bloke. on the map it does look ideally placed, so i see why you chose it. perhaps this highlights the importance of ‘area research’ before moving somewhere. ‘aldershit’ is indeed a horrible town, i had the pleasure of being based there for a few months (thankfully only) whilst i was in the army. i’m not sure if it’s the huge military presence which makes it so bad, probably it’s a significant factor, cos most decent people don’t want to live in a squaddie town. except for the fat orange schlaaags who actually get some recognition by soldiers. there is just a horrible atmosphere there and i can’t quite put my finger on how it feels. kind of like everyone is depressed and miserable.
i find myself in the same situation now, looking for a place to move to that is commutable to london (i am out the army now). i will be sure to spend a couple of nights in a town before buying a place there.
funny funny funny!!! for 1. i don’t wear trackkies and hoop earrings lol!! for 2. i do have a brand new flat and its goregous, not tht i have to explain myself to you mike!! but anyway ur moving so why even bother commenting!! just hurry up and start packing probably not welcome here anyway.
i admit there is some wrongens and fatties lol but there is also some of us nice people here, and we don’t bother others., well i hope were u move too is worse and then u will see its not just aldershot.
I have lived in the Area all of my life and I cannot remember Aldershot being this bad – ever.
Go on a saturday – during the day – not at night as it is too dangerous. Just look around at the people – not a brain between them. Fat, big mouths and rough. Chav town but go to Farnborough and you have the same – its everywhere. If you think this is normal then surely you need to look at yourself – but only if you have a brain as otherwise you would not understand what I am saying. When you do move area just check it out first as this epidemic is growing.
For the record I am not rich just an average guy living in a semi and grew up on a council estate so get off your lazy fat arses and do something about your town no one else can do it for you. I already know your answer – F*** off. Exactly – Chav town.
If you live in Aldershot I very much doubt that your house is “beautiful”.
I unfortunately live in the big pile of steaming shit that is Aldershot, and cannot wait to leave and live in a town where the majority of inhabitants aren’t moronic, lower-class scum.
Kelly and Ailsa.Well done on having a lovely hom eand good jobs!!
Face it Aldershot is a crap hole. Too many chavs around…………eating KFC, fat hefers dragging threekids with no fathers around.
I used to live here but left ………….full of chavs now
yeah kelly you are mental as is Elsa ………..but stop wearing pink trackies, hooped earrings and looking like a chav…….lol
Every town has these factors, where ever you go, its happening all around britain. I’m sure the people that have commented badly on this are probably stuck up bastads that don’t even no what a cigarette or alcohol is. Or they live in dream land and mummy and daddy had money so they don’t know any different, wouldn’t know a hard day graft if it kicked them in the bollocks. Grow up you sadistic pricks and take a long hard look at your live and your surroundings. we have lived here all our lives.we have full time jobs and a beautiful home.
So anyone wanna join us down cheeks tonite, we will be the two with needles hanging out of our arms, sniffing coke of the sides and pushing 2 buggys with four kids in (joke)!!
grow up and look at yourselfs before commenting on other towns!!
WE ALDERSHOT, WERE’ MENTAL WE OFF ARE FUCKIN HEADS!!!!
HAHAHA
In 2007 I was thinking to bu property in Aldershot’s new development in North lane (near Denmark road). My neighbour (a policeman) told me that most of their customers come from the North lane area. So I baught in Fleet which is much better than I thaught.
Aldershot is a shit-hole, but it’s tame compared to it’s neighbour town ‘Farnborough,’ that is the true dive of Hampshire, and the ‘Sandy Hill’ housing estate in Farnham is much worse than North Town.
Avoid the train station, the job centre and any of the popular pubs/clubs on a friday/saturday night and you should be ok.
does anyone know of a chantelle lewis d.o.b 07/08/76 that lives in aldershot i think i was also born on the same day lost contact a long time ago if so can u please let me know on buddahbuddah@hotmail.co.uk it would be such a pleasure to know that she is alive n well thanks all the same xxxx
Correct me if i’m wrong ‘fiddy kent’, but arent you also known as Jamie Kent? One of the biggest chavs to come out of connaught school. Wasn’t it you who came up with the name ‘the connaught firm’, picked fights with boys in the younger years and was a regular in eastbank chanting with the best of them? Bit hypocritical of you don’t you think, or was all this all undercover research..
acy all the way
*renamed
wonderful spelling there, and i’m choosing to ignore the grammar issues
Pretty sure one of its pubs “the Pegasus” was featured on Britains roughest Pubs
They renames it Club Tropica shortly after :L
ahh, i’m so proud to live in farnham
OMG!!! what a bunch of no mark twats !!!!!
you can only see aldershot for what you blinkers let you !
yeah i live on the ‘chav’ estate as you call it but hey i work fulltime as does my partner , we have 2 children and own our car not finaced by someone else!
theres more to this place than you simple minded people have missed !
not only that there are many famous people to come out of this ‘chavtown’
and the smell you seem to get when you drive into the town must be from your nose being so far up your own arse !
GET A LIFE!
enough said !!
There We Are Then!!
thanks.. i still love aldershot
x
lived in aldershot all my life there is nothing wrong if it you bunch of morons. you stupid posh snobs, pull your head out of your arseeeeeeeee.ALSO WE HAVE THE BRITISH ARMY AND THE BEST TEAM!
ATFC! you gays.
Reading this has made me glad i moved…
North Town- The shithole where all minor & wannabe Chavs are recognised!
Fiddy Kent writes “This is a brief introduction to the Chavness of Aldershot, including descriptions on the local species of Chav, so you can spot and therefore attempt to avoid them…
The absolute epitome of Chavisity is Aldershot. Known for the British Army being based here, the Aldershot-tonnian Chavs can appear everywhere in Hampshire. Even Guildford isn’t safe! You shall notice that the majority of chavs will be involved in such things like gangs but trying to be football hooligans involved in ‘Firms’ and fight with rival schools and meet up in huge numbers to scrap armed with bats, planks and sometimes knifes! These North Town Chav give all Chavsters a bad reputation and for awhile they are in the minority compared with the rest of (normal) Aldershot society, they make up for it in their loud shouting, drinking cheap beer, wearing cheap and fake brands.
The randomness of the famous Aldershot school violence became apparent to me one day as I walked through Manor Park with 7 of my close mates. They all headed the opposite direction after a long night out up at Top Park and I began my walk through North Town down Redan Hill by myself. As I was walking down North Lane (an area high in North Town Chav density, low in employment), and 4 SKANK’S of about fourteen, fifteen and eighteen passed me in the street. Admittedly I did glance at them, heaven forbid, in order to make out whether they were wearing fake Henry Lloyd, Burberry and one in particular wearing a fake Adidas tracksuit which only had ‘2 STRIPES’. Staring at me gormlessly, the school drop out shouted “Yer fuckin Connaught fag, I’ll fuckin ‘av you” (which was highly original I thought). Not knowing whether this was a threat or a proposition, I continued towards my destination with the SKANKS hot on my tail. A couple of minutes later they were gone, most likely distracted by something shiny, such as a used syringe or even a ten pence coin.
School warfare is a huge factor of Chavsters in Aldershot. Many of them like to pretend to be off Football Factory and go out with their mates, get pissed, attempt to get laid, start a fight with a local rival school in the area down the phone, organise it and then meet up in a huge group armed with sticks, stones, planks, baseball bats and like the North Town ladies just there handbags or syringes. All the schools in this area; All Hallows, Ash Manor, Connaught, Wavell and Heath End all seem to be involved in this and apparently I’m told from certain older boys that it has been a problem for many years. No matter how much you try to avoid it, you just can’t as I found one day when I tried avoiding a clash between mates from my school and a rival school I walked home early but unfortunately for me I got myself into a bit of trouble and found myself being jumped by 3 pupils from the Wavell School, which at the time was a piss-take for me but now when I look back on it I can laugh and think ‘COWARDS!’.
The pack-like mentality of Aldershotl Chavs is so well spread, that every street corner in Aldershot has its own Chav clan or just in ‘Football Hooligan Firms’ with their school name in front, more often than not interbred, due to the lack of paternal knowledge. However, they are ruthless in their aspirations to find one another, seemingly gravitating towards one another, the Chavettes and the Chavsters meeting and mating to produce offspring, undoubtedly as a ticket to a life free of employment, funded by the state. This seems to be biological. I wonder if there is a Chav gene? And if so, if a foetus is known to have it, should it be grounds for abortion? But Chavsters are great, but there is just one problem with it in Aldershot and that is that the North Town Chav’s are making all the other Chavsters look bad. Which isn’t ironic. The stupid thing about it all is that they will attend Aldershot Town FC games to as they say ‘Cheer On Aldershot’ when they spend all the match kicking the bars in, swearing and taunting rival fans, throwing stuff at rival fans wearing everything Chavy expect an Aldershot Town FC Top which most fans appear to be wearing. True fans? Well if you wrote that on a piece of paper I’d whipe my arse with it!
The Aldershot Chav can be recognised in a number of ways:
1) The males will most certainly be wearing some form of tracksuit, probably LaCoste, with a not-so-matching pair of Rockport boots, the may even be caught wearing Burberry which most Chav’s would seem to be recognised as wearing. The females usually delight in sporting the latest in Sunbed fashion (“A pound for forty five minutes? Omigod I’ll ‘ave to ‘av a go on tha’ one!”), along with something revealing, such as a social security form tucked into their miniskirt.
2) A male with his hand down his trousers standing in public searching for his penis is a dead giveaway, as is a cap which features Burberry in any shape or form.
3) The females often sport a post-coital bump, usually uncovered, with a fag in one hand and their favourite bottle of peroxide in the other (well how else do you explain year round bleach blond hair, with no sign of roots?)
4) Skanks (the ‘WANNABE CHAVS’ who simply cannot afford to buy the clothes) are usually recognised on the streets between 9am and 11pm weekdays, often riding a bicycle, which has usually been stolen. Their sole purpose is to follow in the footsteps of their mothers, the fathers not usually known. (Mostly found around North Town *Denmark Square*) You will find a lot of 8-year olds smoking around here, little ladies with teeth missing sticking a syringe into her arm, although it has already been used and the local social services spending all day down in this little shithole they call home. Wearing fake Burberry, Henry Lloyd and Adidas is a huge thing around these parts and they find it amusing to arrange fights with local school children when the majority of these North Town boys are out of school and should be trying to get a job. They also like to sit in the streets and listen to Black Music (Although they are all WHITE) and give each other stupid nicknames such as “Tank” & “Dan Ze Man” which seems pretty obscure to an average Aldershot-tonnian like myself.
This is just a brief introduction to Chavness in Aldershot!
What can I add to an already perfect explaination to Aldershot.
I moved here 8 years ago. And before you ask “why not move” . It has something to do with the Curse of the boomerang, i have seen so many people leave……and always end up back here. That and the floor is sticky no matter where you go.
DENMARK SQUARE is the housing estate were all pikies and chavs have joined forces. The facts are not straight in some of the above comments, for instance the kids are more like 8years old that are smoking and calling there mums cunts. To be fair to the 8year olds are probably right. the poor bastards are going to grow up just like them. The paths were i live are used as car parks, there are bollards everywhere to stay DO NOT DRIVE HERE, yet the chavs use it as a driving course, and park on paths that are used for school kids coming home. Drugs and alchol are everywhere. People do not earn there way by working, no most will go to the bookies and spend all day there, and they dont even pay tax there. And to end most women are single mothers at the age of 16, they say they live alone and they dont know who there kids father is, but really there other half is living with them but they are screwing housing benefit. For these single mums not knowing who there kids dads are is quite like eating beans, you fart but you dont know which bean is guilty.
Is it just me or does Aldershot smell? A few years ago my taxi to school(in alton) had to pick up a guy who lived in a council estate( dunno its name there was a lido near by, i avoided aldershot at all costs) and every time we picked him up I felt like i was going to throw up in the taxi.
When I first moved to that part of the world I made the mistake of renting a flat in Aldershot. Lasted four weeks before I promptly moved.
What a shithole Aldershot is. You will notice that in the town centre there is an overwhelming feeling that violence could break out at any moment. Try walking round there on a sunday afternoon and you will see what I mean. You just feel uncomfortable.