Anyone who’s lived in the north east for a few years can’t help but make some kind of comment about the dirty charver scum inhabitants.

I’ll be honest with you all, I haven’t lived there – or even visited the place in 5 years maybe more. What I do remember tho’ is that the place was chav (charver in the NE) heaven way before its time. It was infact, in retrospect, a glimpse into the future.

The joke going around college was, “what do you call the shields lass in the white shell suit? The Bride.”

The standard dress uniform for the chavette on manouvres was, at the time anyway, the adidas tracky bottoms – the ones with the poppers down the legs for a quick exit for any athlete not wishing to remove his/her trainers.
This quick exit move was more often than not used for either giving birth or conceiving. That’s the thing about shields women, most of them seemed to have more kids than Dr Barnardo.

Those not in adidas wore kappa. The ultimate in kappa slappers, usually some shade of blue with logos/markings in radio-active green/orange. Orange would co-ordinate with their pramface.

Without wanting to be to negative South Shields has a beautiful coastline and some great scenery. All this with a few minutes walk from Ocean Rd, a haven of curry houses, B&B’s and pubs and takeaways. It is here where the Police meatwagon was always parked, just outside ASDA ready for when it all kicked off – which was often.

One of my first experiences of the town was walking down the main road, by the town hall, at night so I was walking quickly. On the opposite side of the road there is (or was) a rough dive shithole of a pub the name of which escapes me. What I do remember was the ambulance outside, the police (poliss) van outside and a ‘body’ sparked out on the floor. The blood marks remained for some weeks.

What the poor guy had done is anyones guess. Maybe he looked at somone ‘funny’ , maybe he spilled their pint (maybe he looked like he might have spilled someones pint), but it was most likely he didn’t speak with the local accent. This is a good thing from the perspective of evolution, but a bad thing for staying intact in Shields.
The thing about the NE charver is that they’re all so tribal. If you live 2 stops away on the Metro, then you’re regarded with suspicion, so what chance does the rest of us have?
[FYI. The Metro provides free transport for the NE chav. They do sometimes get caught not paying but the odd £10 fine still means they're quids in]

The teeange chavs are the worst tho’ by far. They all have the caps, the trackys and the bling. They also think that they’re rock ‘ard. They are at their hardest when in South Tyneside College Club (the MARTEC), lounging on the pool tables with 20p on the table – but not being able to afford the £1 deposit for the cues. When this becomes an issue of dispute they become even harder, safe in the knowledge that 1) There are 10 of them. 2) You are a right minded individual and wont resort to violence at the drop of a hat, and 3) They are right in the middle of the CCTV cameras line of site and know they’re safe.
The only advantage of living here is all non-chavette ladies wont toutch their own kind with a shitty stick. Game on !

The mini-charver (under 12′s) is just as bad. In fact they’re worse – I remember walking down the same afore ementioned street (the other way, still with a mate – cos even the dogs in Shields go around in two’s) to have a group of ratboys launch a firework at us – the rocket missed but smashed into an advetising hording a few feet away. Still at least they weren’t stealing someones video and shitting on the carpet.

Have things changed since my time in the NE? Let me know, but my bet is that the sand-dancers have devolved a stage further and will soon be developing gills and crawling back into the primordial soup of the river Tyne. [the fog upon which belongs to Gazza - which he can f**king keep]

BTW Is nightclub deniro’s still there, albeit renamed to something less shitty. And do they still sell CANS, thats right CANS of Fosters? How chavvy is buying a can of anything in a nightclub – never thought I was middleclass till I moved here.

South Shields - charver radgee's galore, 6.1 out of 10 based on 7 ratings