What a wonderful city this is!
One of the oldest cities in England, Nottingham itself is wreathed in history. It is home to the oldest pub in the world, ‘Ye Olde Trip to Jerusalem’. King Charles I raised his standard at Nottingham Castle, starting the English Civil War, and of course, the legends of Robin Hood. Oddly enough, Nottingham was once known for being primarily subterranean, with most of its citizens living in the sandstone caves that still riddle the city. Slightly ironic, because many of its current denizens seem to have regressed to trogolodyte tendencies.
I will outline several points why I believe Nottingham is the chav capital of the country:
1. It has several large council estates, including the Meadows, St. Ann’s and Clifton, all of which provide ideal breeding ground for chavs. The combination of easily accessible State Benefits, easy access to much-needed industries like theft, violent crime and drug-dealing provide solid groundings for the furthering of chav culture.
2. In the city centre, the concentration of fast-food outlets is approximately 1 per square metre. There are three McDonalds, 1 Burger King, 1 KFC and a stunning variety of privately owned takeaways in an area only ten blocks wide. These, of course, are frequented by chavs with poor-quality jewellery dangling from their necks, wrists and ears, the males holding their testicles (presumably to stop them from falling off because of venerial disease contracted from intercourse with unclean chavettes).
3. The city centre also boosts not one, but TWO shopping centres – the Victoria Centre and the Broadmarsh Centre. The Broadmarsh Centre is by far more infested with inherent chavism, due to its proximity to the aforementioned Meadows council estate, and also because of the middle-class aspirations of the Victoria Centre which are not compatible with the general sense of social decay which attracts chavs to an area in the first place. Some brave chavs do venture forth, however – usually to mug people coming out of the more expensive shops. Both centres provide outlets of cheap crappy clothes shops.
4. The city boasts a throbbing subculture of nightclubs, which provide havens for homophobic, rascist and misogenystic music to be developed. This, naturally, provides a wonderful environment for chavs to develop. Coupled with the alcohol abuse that is intrinsically woven into this tapestry of social cancer, Nottingham is rapidly becoming a putrid tumour of social rot in the heart of England.
5. There is a lot of evidence of State involvement in the city, including the presence of large Social Security offices. This is, of course, in response to the huge demand for State Benefits in the city. With so many chavs not working, and sponging off the state by having children at 5-year intervals to maximise benefit-taking, the need for government administration is very large. It may even be that the city’s entire economy depends on the chavs, as those that do work invariably work in government buildings!
6. The city also boasts several sexual health clinics to deal with the rampant clemedyia and other sexually transmitted infections rife amidst the chav community, and also desperate attempts by the State to introduce birth control to the chav community to stop the soaring birth rates. However, this doesn’t work – many chav mums can be seen pushing prams containing screaming babies, the mothers themselves screaming abuse at the 5-year-olds accompanying them, who are, of course, screaming back at them, their tempers fuelled by the additive-riddled blue bubble-gum flavoured fizzy drinks they guzzle by the bucketload.
7. I have recently seen the ultimate example of chavism in Nottingham – THE BURBERRY WOMAN. Burberry boots, handbag, skirt (six inches long, just covering her upper thighs), t-shirt, pushchair (obviously), baseball cap, complete with hooped earrings (somewhere to hang her feet, I expect) and several dozen cheap gold necklaces dangling from her throat. I didn’t see if the baby was dressed in burberry, but I would wager money on it. Guess where I saw her? You got it – McDonalds.
8. The city used to have a wide range of bookshops – these are now gradually closing down due to lack of business. Its not that people are buying books online – chavs can’t read, plain and simple. TV Quick and the subtitles for Emmerdale (because the attention-deficited, additive-infested hyperactive children are screaming and going blue in the face) don’t count.
Is there any question? Nottingham is the chav capital of the country. Nottingham was actually originally called Snotingham – meaning ‘home and farm of Snot’, Snot being the name of the Viking chief who founded the city. I propose a renaming:
Chavin’am Innit Bredren, literally, ‘our home, isn’t it, my friends?’