Melton Mowbray! Yes that’s right home to the beloved Pork Pie, which are grotty and full of congealed pork offal at the best of times, a striking similarity can be made with the quiet market town nestled in the heart of the Leicestershire countryside. A picturesque town spoilt only by the crappy selection of Charity shops and the abundance of Chav’s! The usual mob of half baked neandertal’s loiter around the side of the British Legion coincidentally outside McDonalds, with not one GSCE in Car Theft to share between them (they spelt their names wrong on the exam paper, how hard can it be to spell Brit-neh?). Their general past times include chomping down a ‘phat Mac’er’, nicking cider from Mori’z or urinating on the local residents.
The night life is typical of a Market town, several pubs attracting a plethora of weird and wonderful clientele, with a smattering of Chavyness should you look in the right places (Kings Head, Lion, Black Swan). The Chavs can usually be identified by their cheap bling and dodgy home executed hair cuts. Occasionally a Chav may be sporting a tattoo on the forearm in a foreign script which unbeknown to them reads something like ‘My mother is my sister’, after they got their chavy dyslectic mate to perform this procedure at home with a darning needle and a biro. The Chavs drink of choice is normally what ever they can steal whilst walking around an establishment or if they feel like splashing out, bottle of warm VK gutrotter.
When you have had enough of the delightful pubs you can scoot along to the mighty ‘toobs’. The phrase ‘ar y’gain up toobs’ will often been heard whilst on a night out around Melton and it refers to the single most chavy night club in the country nee the world. Get in before 11pm else you’ll be charged a lady (£5) for sampling this delicacy of flat larger and Smashie and Nicey on the decks. What can I say, if Carlsberg Oxfam did nightclubs . . . the decor is well interesting. Stevie Wonder probably could have made a better job. Never fear though ‘We’ll have no trouble here’ the local boys in blue are usually on hand to make sure that any fights that break out between the bouncers are broken up quickly, leaving the Chav’s and good citizens of Melton to batter the living crap out of each other in peace. After the club you can ‘go up’roaad’ause’ for an hour of extra cruddy music and piss soaked dance floors, or you can sample some of the delightful eateries, yummy chips with special mayo. Whilst you’re staggering home tucking in to your kanine kebab you may be lucky enough to spot some Chav’s doing burnouts in their mothers Nova/Coursa, if they are from a deprived family they may be using Grannies invalid scooter. Meep Meep indeed.
There is so much chavyness to indulge in this marvelous little town, why not go there today?
So true so true altho Road house is no more!! You can see the biggest slag of them all in tubes that goes by the name of Michelle Davies!! Often seen blowing the bouncers to get in even tho it’s free before 11pm (Coz she’s clever like that) She also fucks anything that looks at her, Male or female!! Grade a HOE!!!
Haha, got it in one. Not forgetting the plethora of ‘schlaaags’ who knock up to ‘toobs’ half cut, fag hangin out their gobs begging anyone for a line then kicking u out of your seats because all of this parying has brought on their contractions. Once the clocks strike 2am, ur bussled out only to come across said dirty sclaaagggss getting screwed round the back (no contraception needed as the amount they can claim from the goverment far outweighs the cost of a johnny). Hmmm wonder who that could be? Give you a clue, she’s got HUMONGOUS teeth & likes to obsess over her ex & make sick stories up to anyone that will listen because she’s an attention seeking ho’ with a background in kiddy beating.