From birth, the people of Hemel Hempstead are given no chance! Until recently the two local hospitals which supported childbirth where St.albans and Luton, which are hardly chav free zones, you enter any of these hospitals you will find chavs who have been battered and bruised (not always a bad thing) and chavettes who are in labour 9 months after there first period, seriously, the only people with more than 1 braincell in these places are the expectant mothers, and there other braincell is only tempary. But after the ordeal of birth and the newly made mother staring at her bundle of joy/jail bait and then flicking on hollyoaks you have the children starting primary school.
Oh woaw what a choice. Woodhall farm (the area i was raised) homes two primary schools. The largest one being holtsmere end. This place has more pikeys than a car boot sale and more lice than peter andre’s nutsack. But if that doesn’t quite sound to the standard of your sprog there is an alternative. Brockswood. My old school, where the residents of local caravan site attend, where they do not bother with teaching but just fiddle your sats results later. And after school you have the parents swarming outside all with there cigarettes and new borns, but you will only see these parents picking there little darlings up if the parents have actually finished school themselfs.
Then we move to the senior schools. again. what a choice, a choice of 6 schools all with very different qualitys. 3 of these schools are not that bad.
JFK- catholic school
Hemel Hempstead – All rounder, very adverage
Cavendish – Sports college
then we get onto the other 3
longdene – where the students are really as thick as Susan XXXXX’s pubic hair, they are however quite harmless, half of them dont speak much english and the other are still slower than a row boat team with no arms
Adeyfield – the boys of adeyfield are fine. there normal. the girls however…most of them have hopes that maybe 1 of these 40 yearold men they have been meeting up with online will want to keep them, and not just fuck them and then be thankful they never asked there name, these girls are highly trained slappers, most of them losing there virginity before there 13th birthday to a lad old enough to be there father. This trend carrys with them for life. This school recently offered all of its students a free chlamidyia test and the ammount of possitive results was staggering. This is also the closest school to leisure world, which i will expand on later
Astley Cooper – The arsehole of the education system. Try and drive past this school in the winter without being pelted with rocks coverered in snow, or even try and walk past without getting high on the fumes of the joint the 6 students are all sharing. this school is the training ground of drug dealers and battered girlfriends. They may not leave school with GCSE’s, but the boys will leave with an ASBO and a CSA bill and the girls will leave with a baby in there womb and there friends left in suspence of what colour it will come out. its not all bad though, living in grovehill is a free ticket to never do a days work and get a free council house, and if you cant figure out what to spend you DLA on then the henry wells square is inspirational
Henry wells square – wow… what mother fucker thought this up, you have a very high ratio of unemployment, alcohol and drug use, benefit thieves and incredably young parents. How do you fix this problem? By putting a shopping centre in the middle of it! And what a centre! You have 2 pubs? A florest selling equipment to grow your own plants?? A liquer store??? And a car parts store so you can sup up your nova the way you have always wanted!!! WHAT THE FUCK HEMEL??? THIS IS LIKE PUTTING A MCDONALDS IN A FAT CAMP!!! THESE PEOPLE DO NOT NEED MORE WAYS TO GET TANKED!!! THEY NEED A BASIC FOOD SHOP, A CHARITY SHOP AND POSSIBLY A NEWS AGENTS SO AS THEY CAN SEE IF THERE GRAFITTI ON A LOCAL SHOP MADE IT IN TO THE HEROLD EXPRESS!!! Grovehill is truly the worst design since neon strips you can stick under your car. Nuke it.
The town centre is a fantastic place! You name any cheap takaway we got it! Pizza hut, Dominos, Mcdonalds, KFC, Burger King, Subway, Greggs, its all there! We got the civic centre so you can claim all your benefits such as your DLA for your bad back, only 4 more payments till you can get that moped. The college, for those who fail school, the health centre with a great poster saying come here for free condoms and the morning after pill, you will be supplied with either even if you are under 16. You of course have all your sports shops, 3 pound shops and a ton of cheap clothes shops, including “2good2be true” with the famous shirts costing at only 50p and sandersons, a shop selling bongs, crack pipes, cheap munchfood, energy drinks, and anything a drug user could ever need, yet, police completly ignore this shop and the obvious intentions of the clientel.
Then we move onto leisure world, which i have never read a review on here which hasn’t mentioned. This place is the chav breeding ground, it has probley had more children concieved behind it than johnny vagas has had hot dinners. This place really is a shithole, it is in jarmans park which has 3 main buildings. Leisure world, Mcdonalds, Tescos. So poured into the mixture you have Tescos supplying cheap drink, Mcdonalds catering, and Leisure world giving the shit music, shelter and condom machines. So you can imagine what it is like in there. I have been there many times due to the cinema, and on waiting to be picked up it is not uncomman 2 see girls who look pre-pubesent dressed as what can only be described as 4 foot tall prostitutes getting into cars with much older men who drive behind the building for 10 minutes or so before dropping them back infront of the neon sign. If you go there and listen, see if you can go 30 seconds without hearing fuck, cunt and shit, spend a night there and watch how many fights break out, the bouncers are more useless than a condom machine in the vatican and are more interested hitting on the younger girls. This place is where all the slappers from adeyfield come 2 meet there dream man, sad thing is, none of them have noticed that not a single guy in a nova and a track suite who fucks them before learning there name ever calls back. Unfortunatly, live in hemel this is your life, the council are doing something about this though. They have just opened a new club called the function rooms and are closing the hospital. I guess there leaving natural selection 2 wipe of this plague we call the chav.
wow top article
I live in Hemel, but to be fair, never had a problem, as said befor, every town has its problem area. Just in Hemel, it’s easier to look for its nice area (hay in a stack of needles).
Lots of chavs around Jarman Park, and I pray every day that some military mistake happens.
But areas around boxmoor, apsley , leverstock green, are lovely.For shopping, just go to brentcross or watford.
and for “DeathByNature” , I pray no one like you ever gets a single glimpse of power, you’d quite happily start a war based on the shoulder chip. Saying that I feel your pain, bullies are just cowards in disguise, I learned to punch good from a young age , or ensure I have the right friends.
For the lady that was thinking of moving to Hemel, pick a nice part, you’ll never be proud of living there, but it has everything you’ll need and the property prices are ok, 29 mins to london, 5 mins and you are in the woods, in the green and enjoying nature, not that bad (since the chav will be in Jarman park , they don’t do picnics or nature,).
As for the cretins who thinks neighbouring towns are miles better , St Albans and Berko crime rates … are the same as Hemel, go to Herts police website and check it out (ok the town centres ARE much nicer I must admit)
go fuck yourselves, we live in hemel. and we are neither inbreds nor chavs. The people that do live here also have feelings. So before you go about calling us chavs take a look in a mirror and get a life rather than comment on a town where you dont live.
Hey, i dont check back here very often but thanks for the comments, i know some people seem suprised to type there town into a website called “chav towns” and to see a review which isn’t pointing out all of the good points…
This review is just mocking some of the less desirable aspects of society with hemel as a focus point as it is all that i know, i am in no way saying hemel is actually the arsehole of the world (like bradford) myself and all of my friends are from hemel. some people apear to be able to get this and some knuckle dragging idiots are crying that there town is being slated. The areas i have made fun of the most are actually my favourates. all of this is just me using hemel as a focus point for ripping it out of society, if your so offended by seeing hemel written about as a chav town then heres a suggestion. DON’T TYPE HEMEL INTO A WEBSITE CALLED CHAV TOWNS.
Thanks to all of the people clever enough to read between the lines and who can take a dig and enjoy my review. i know some people cant but i feel that the comments they leave only add to the point im trying to make
Thanks all and feel free to ask me anything, normally check back everytime i notice a comment or something in my emails. CHEEEEEEEEEEERZ!!!
Hemel has been made much worse by the Gypsie sites. Those filthy Coughersons could destroy any town.
u lot are jus scared of hemel u sad lil faggots u are prob all from berkhamstead and jus snotty low life cunts get a grip of ur sad perfective lives u bumders lol
I don’t suppose many Hemel Chavs can write comments on here because an addition was required (5+9=?).
I really appreciated your description of Hemel as it was so accurate and hilarious.
Hemel is definately Zombie City.
If you are feeling depressed and lacking self esteem; visit Hemel after 11:30am; listen to the E-mel people talk and how they drag themselves along the Marlowes and you will feel good about yourself again.
i live in hemel and cant belive how much you are slagging the place off its no where near as bad as you are making out before i got married and had my kids me and my mates used to go to the clubs up jarmans and i can honestly say all the times we went i think i saw abot 2 fights and if you never went in how can you know what went on. i agree there is a prblem with teenage pregnancy but it is the same in every town you cannot blame the schools for this and who are you have ago about teen mothers i know some girls that had babies at 17,18 that are better mothers than there older counterparts being young does not make you a bad mother. if you hate hemel so much why dont you just move out. one last thing if everyone from hemel is a chav then surely that makes you one too i suggest you get some friends and get a life it must be upsetting to hate yourself so much
I heard Hemel has a big crack problem- surely thats the last thing they need….
Hemel is on its knees and its only a matter of time before it gets shut down.
Good Ridance
Nice one Xiis, I lived on Woodhall from 1981 to about 1988, it was a dump then and it is a dump now. i remember Sainsbury`s being built and the housing estate opposite Woodhall being built also.
Having come from Chiltern Park in Berko it was a big shock, I feel for you. It could be worse though, it could be Harlow…If you`ve never been go and write about that! ( Forgive me if you have and I haven`t seen that article yet! )
Don`t worry about the spelling, it gets tiring writing page after page with nothing but `A` level grammar and punctuation through out.
Joanne, get a larger Mortgage and move to Berko or a village towards Bovingdon, Hemel is a shite hole and always will be I hate it so much and suffered as a kid there for years, it is full of wanky, chavvy, lazy, scum who just need to get some self respect and a job. Yes, of course there are nice peopple there but mainly its a cesspool of council chavs.
By the way, Xiis, I love sports shops and McKenzie clothing…does that make me a chav too…? Oh no…
Joanne – Boxmoor is quite a nice area. I was born in Hemel, went to Longdean school. I moved out, but still visit parents who still live there. I currently work as a lawyer in london. My friends, all who lived in Hemel have good jobs.I didn’t go to Hemel School, but I went to Longdean, but I have done well…….like many others…………………..
It’s not a bad town, so liek a lot of towns it has it’s bad points and good points………
I must say that I am getting a little worried now. I am looking to move to Hemel from Somerset because my partner lives and works there. We are hoping for a house in Boxmoor purely for the Hemel School catchment area. Please tell me some well rounded adults emerge from Hemel?!
Hey, thanks for all the comments, glad to see i’ve either made alot of you laugh or pissed you off. unfortunatly im not to sure whether the original intention of my article has been achieved. It was aimed as a joke and hemel was my subject.
I do realise that Hemel has some great qualities such as its train networks to london and the history of the area. its also quite green so you can enjoy summer days cycling to redbourne and back. however, unfortunatly i dont think many people seem to understand that on a website called “chavtowns” which has the slogan “The nemesis of Estate Agents & Local Councillors” is really going to cater for a lovely review of the town.
Dont get me wrong, I don’t particuly like hemel, but it is where my family is, it is where i have built a life. this article is aimed purely at people who are getting tired of annoying chavs, trying to own the McDonalds carpark after 8. draining money from our tax’s that could go to much better causes and causing our shops and business’s to change to cater for the chavier community. I mean, 2 pound shops, 3 mcdonalds, 3 burger kings, primark, 3 sports shops (only one of them stocks anything other than McKenzie)
On the upside though, it does look as if one thing was thought out, its as if the chav community are some what drawn away from the rest of us to the area around where the pavilion used to be, mainly due to job centre, civic centre, a whetherspoons pub and the sexual health clinic all within 2 minutes of eachother. So please, anyone who wish’s to rip into my review over anything but spelling (i thought it would be funny to write it in a style similer to those it reflects, obviously a little to subtle for a few people) then please, find a point that is incorrect and question me about it. Because all i really see is that i have written a bunch of reasons hemel is pretty chav infested, and rather than tackling my reasoning i am recieving comments telling me its not.
Thank you to everyone supporting my argument and to louise, who gave me a good giggle.
Well.
Poor excuses. Not enough to do? Blimey, try St Albans then. Go smoke dope in Rothamsted park or Verulamium. No Cinema, nothing. Not even a decent swimming pool.
Hemel Council does a lot for the youngsters and I’m sorry but most stuff that you do have to pay for in Hemel is affordable, Louise you are so wrong about that.
All towns have good and bad and at least here you know what the score is.
If you don’t like Hemel then do something about it. i.e become a copper, councillor or leave.
Your mum………….is probably one of those chav mums in trackies who used to be slim in 1992 .now has 4 kids by different dads who have all left ………..dinner is KFC…………
Hemel was fun in the 80′s and 90′s ………….now ……………apart from the hot brunette who works in top man when i was last there …..a lot of the people there are just chavs………there are good people there …………….but most of them live in Apsley/Nash Mills……….
Well ‘Your mum’ your opinion is clearly substantiated however YOUR mum! clearly spell checked, Education system sucks but clearly so does so does the person close to mentioned in ur name, one word INBRED. lol
Before slating a towns education system, learn to fucking spell. You lot are hilariously socially unaware. Keep it up chaps.
My god this article is hilarious! Its so true!!! Of course there are decent people in hemel – but come on its clearly a pikey town. Everyone looks as though theyve just been let out, and i dont even want to think what its like by night – id rather be out and about in bosnia.
Flip and Louise what the hell does spelling matter, if it’s the truth. Again Louise but with morph what the fuck?? do you live in a fucking dream world, ‘A nice area’? about as nice and a girder up your shitter, and little angels louise really? Fuck any person in the history of the world who hasn’t made themselves look perfect in the eys of their grandparents is a reatrd thats where the birthday and christmas cash-flow comes in. The fact is i’ve lived in hemel since i was born, (before you say ‘Oh you’re bound to agree with hemel being a shithole’ it’s a burial ground for anyone who can’t stand up for themselves)
I was bullied at school because i wasn’t social enough, 14 years.. BULLIED. then 6 times in the past 7 years.. MUGGED, ASSAULTED, AND BURGLARY FROM MY HOME, The place i work.. VANDALISED BY CHAVS!! how do i know? because i had a chair thrown at me, Yeah such a FUCKING nice place.
Hey Morph i listen to slipknot.. i also listen to RnB, garage, classical, other heavy metal, Jazz, Blues, House, Hip hop. and what makes me different from you? I can make a difference you’d rather sit on the sidelines and cast blame on others, choices and opinions for the simple fact that you don’t want to take the blame on yourself and at least TRY to make a difference.
If i had the opportunity i’d kill every Chavs pikey and undesirable insubordination in the Hertfordshire area, Do i sound like i don’t know what i’m talking about or someone who has finally found a way to unleash their feelings for the town that took everything away from me???
by the way Great Review Xiis,
A Friend
TK
What makes me laugh is the fact that the guy that wrote this has evidently not been in Hemel Hempstead for a while. Yes, it is a dump, and no, I don’t particularly like living there. However, the description of Astley Cooper would be better fitting for Cavendish School.
Oh, and Astley isn’t all about drugs any more. No no, when we have pupils considering enrolling at Astley Cooper, the general question nowadays is:
“Will I get stabbed?”
When ever I come to Hemel I notice the inbred peasants trying to speak and it makes me laugh……………….they can barely speak………..
There are good people in Hemel but are embarassed by the chavs who grunt their way through life………..
Grove Hill…………what a dump ……as is Highfield…………Woodhall Farm is probably worse.
Problem with Hemel is that it used to have class……………it now seems to have lost it………..