To those of you that have never had the displeasure of visiting the vile cumstain of humanity called ‘Beddau’ situated a bus ride from the other chav hellhole known as Pont-ee-preeeeeeeed (translates as Sh1tdump on the Taff) , I bid you a warm welcome to the carbunckle of crap known as the place what I, unfortunately, reside in.
One translation from Taffylingo (Welsh, innit boyo?) is literally ‘Graveyard’. Beddau sure is that – a depressing pile of shite crapped out of the Devil’s anus.
Journey up Parish Road Hill and gawp in amazement at the never ending procession of teen mums and their spotty, hoody, white-cider drinking waste of sperm boyfriend/shag for the week. The girls here are know as Yorkites (not to be confused with Yorkdale, which we will come across later – but in homage to The Grand Old Duke Of York whom, like these girls, had 10,000 men).
At the top of Parish Road is a roundabout with three directions in which to choose (but all leading to further eyesores – you will want to put bleach in your eyes to end the pain and suffering!) Left leads to the main shopping area which looks as if it’s been air-lifted from some Communist backwater and dropped in a great hole. One ‘improvement’ has been the erection (sadly not mine up Katherine Jenkins love gusset) of fencing atop the chippy (nice chips to be fair, but the staff there would not know English if it bum-raped them) in order to stop the local yobs from dropping bottles into the hairdresser’s gutter (no euphamism there!) and to stop them pilfering from Fulgoni’s via jumping across the gap and smashing the back open. If there was an Olympic event for this, these lads would take gold – sadly there isn’t and these miscreants should be tied to a railway line and let the 09.25 to Paddington do it’s British duty!
One shop that is pretty decent is the Spar – new interior and food is quite edible (apart from the sausage rolls that are always out of date, and of which consumption would cause you to excrete a replica of the place on your Armitage Shanks). The old lady at the counter is quite nice, despite throat problems caused by sucking on 100 fags a day like it was the paperboy’s wiener, however the younger fat slag on the till will bite your head off for even farting. When she’s not slamming change into your palm like mad, she’s most likely showing her fat saggy tits on porn sites to half-baked 50 year old pot heads who masterbate on their computers and live in Mummy’s basement eating moldy cheesy pasta (from the Spar) whilst listening to Pink Floyd’s ‘Great Gig In The Sky’ all day, every day, non-stop.
The estate adjacent to the Spar was, until 1988, called Auschwitz (which is pretty ironic considering that Poles now live on that estate) and despite some modifications it still looks like one giant concrete turd. The pub on the estate has been open and shut more times than a whore’s vagina, and there is street after street of empty grey nothingness. You will think that a holiday in Bognor Regis is heaven in comparison! The red sky at night is not shepherds delight, but probably the Cwm Coking Works on fire.
The only nice part is Carn Celyn (but they never associate themselves with Beddau – oh no darlings it’s Gwine Misskyn!)
Local schools include Brincankellog’s (rough as an Arab’s butt-crack, but still got some decent talent there – also Neil Jenkins went there so it ain’t too bad like!) and for the Caffolicks there’s Cardinal Newman (sorry, the Marxist Common Purpose Brainwashing Training Facility – where kids are show how to vote Labour, worship Lenin and Marx and say YES to all things European).
Although they don’t live in Beddau (cos it’s too posh for ‘em) the Cocco family have control over all building projects in Beddau and through their Marxist Mason Membership (yep, new world order is here!) have a stake in brainwashing kids in Newman and also at the Loonyversity of Glammmmorganshite.
So, if you fancy a visit to this Godfersaken hellhole, please be my guest – heck you can rent my place, for free – JUST GET ME THE HECK OUTTA HERE!!!!
Funny how u say all chavs? Hmmm I own my house in beddau with my partner we both work damn hard for it too I bet ur writing this as your just about to go an get your dole money? If you don’t like beddau f**k off if its full off chavs an scum as you say there will be one less when you do one.
funny as hell man ive lived in beddau all my life i can relate to everything said here exept for the chav stuff .
this is extremely amusing and well written!
I still believe the worst place in wales is Caerau. Damn! that places gave me the creeps while i was there. Horrible chav town! Where you are not even safe in your own house! I will never go there again!
I have never been to Beddau, but your article is hilarious and i will make sure never to visit as it sounds SHITE!
Atleast if your going to do a review on somewhere learn to f**king spell you stupid c**t. Beddau may not be the f**king dogs tits as you say but ive personally been in worse places in england that could give our white lighting chavs a run for their money ! but yes do feel free so stop sponging off beddau’s community and leave
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u little maggot! i bet u got bullied in school u wasteman. tell me wher u live init cuzz ill come to ur house and stamp ur face u waste. u fink thers bare chavs down fuckin taffy land bruv come cardiff ull get moved to fast fam. S.T gang AKA St mellons brapp
hahahaha Kris – your a complete spaff muncher!!!! there u go with US, WE, GANG – grow the f**k up. Can imagine what you look like, some scruffy no mark with his addidas 2 stripe, a mangy, ugly little rat face with a pair of bitch titties to match!! f**king looser come to manchester, ave a go on your own, I’ll send you home in a f**king J cloth you twat. Kill you dead then turn up at your funeral to take a piss in your Coffin and Jizz all over yow mamas Sunday Best, freshly purchased from Primark haha all labels still attached so she can get a refund the day after!!!! hahaha im mint!!
To Gary – “let us know and we will be over”
says it all, if your that wound up and hard, why not ave a go on your own instead of bringin a gang of equally socially inept twats with you. your all the fuckin same, mouthin off when theres a group of you, see any of you alone, its hoods up, heads down, hands down pants not sayin boo to a fuckin goose. A gang of nuns can be hard if theres enough of them.
In summary – you’ve just demonstrated (in your own sad little way) what the site is all about.
No f**k off, no doubt your up early tommorow filming Jeremy Kyle!!!
Gary – your a twat, a scummy, chavvy twat. You’ve no kids on the way because, rightfully so, you’ve been nutured.
c**t fucker??? thats a nasty comment – what do you f**k then?? except asses in fuckin prison you soap dodging, smelly, greasy faced c**t swarm!!!
ha – whats for tea gary.. sommat with chips, on toast with a glass of fizzy pop, panda cola or similar.
next time your takin a swig of white lightening, do us all a favor n have a go at swallowing the bottle aswell…. bit of luck you might choke.
mate if beddau is so bad f**k off aint it!!!
I reckon you havent got the bollocks to say anything to anyone in beddau, just for you rknowledge i own my own house, have a wife and no children on the way…so i guess im not your stereotypical ‘beddau boy’
go and f**k yourselves, and if u wanna meet up let me know u scummy c**t fucker.
ha ha ha ha i enjoyed your article very much,couldnt stop laughing my head off and your correct about chav scum.When their on their own they think they are so hard but see one of them on their own and their little pussies.Maybe the only decent thing the goverment can do is bring back hanging just for all the chav scum.
Never been here ( is it near the A40?) but that was very funny, you should be a colonist in the local paper!
f**k you Gary. You chavs are such pussies, my cat could K.O. you no problem. Now, go feed your 14 year old chavette’s 20 kids in your shithole council flat. We don’t want your kind on the internet !!
oh and Gary you’re the c**t bollocks – fancy trying it on with John and he’ll bury u face down in the ground, then we’ll get alfie thomas (faggot rugby guy) to bugger you to hell and back and film it and put it on youtube lolz!
ha, u tell them John!
beddau is a cock of a place, may as well drop a feckin’ bomb on it to make it look better.
i used to live in shitebrook near notts. but beddau is far worse – agree with the comment about the fat slag at spar – jeez she got a face like a bulldog bein arse-raped by wasps lolz!
you mention yorkdale – god that place is goin downhill fast. also newman school whilst not in beddau is a bloody horrible school – my sis goes there and the pe teacher (miss morgan) is a right lezzie paedo and the old tech teacher who got a face like a donkey is a paedo too. also the cocco’s (u mean the guy who owns the concrete place in llanharan – another shite hole) are well dodgy lot.
heard you may be movin over to weston-s-mare with a new job, good luck least you’re breaking free from the cesspit. i’m movin to goole soon and can’t wait to be out of this wankstain town!
l8rz beaut!
oi c**t bollocks, beddau is the centre of the universe u daft twat!!!! let us know where u live (obviously u reside in beddau), and we will be over in our hoodies , swigging our white lightning bought from spar, and knock bastard living f**k outta u!!!! c**t!!!!!!!!!!!!!!