Newton Heath, put simply, is the arse-end of the world.
There are a lot of piss stained, beer soaked swillings of towns reviewed on this site but I can honestly promise you, they are nothing compared to the blight on the UK that is Newton Heath.
Situated in the North of Manchester, it is perilously close to other “respectable” neighbourhoods such as Moston, Clayton, Gorton and dare I say it, Miles Platting. Truth is, if you can get off the bus on Church Street without getting mugged you’re a better man than I am. In fact, if you can get onto the rotting, shit stained Bluebird single decker in the first place you’ll be lucky. Getting past the twenty or so 16-year old single mothers with prams in the disabled area can be quite a nuisance, especially at peak times. And if you do manage to get past the smoke-smelling, pink-tracksuit and crop-top wearing louts to the rear of the vehicle you’ll inevitably get the seat next to the pissed old scruff who’ll definitely try to touch your leg.
The aforementioned Church Street, which is Newton Heath’s chewing-gum and chippy wrapper strewed main street, has a variety of shops for you to choose from during the day and a host of nightlife outlets of a night time. Netto, which shares a building with Iceland, hordes the majority of the Giro-wielding scumbags who can’t afford to go to the LIDL a little further down the street. This yellow peril has blighted Newton Heath for years, and only seems to be getting more popular as Iceland across the pathway loses out. If supermarkets aren’t your thing, try the ‘60p’ shop, which retains its name even after nothing is actually sold at 60p anymore. But this eternal symbol of scumbag-isation still stands sandwiched between a bookies, a pawn shop and a Greggs. A perfect line of outlets for any discerning day-to-day Chav. Many Newton Heath-ers will spend every Monday blowing their Dole money on the Irish Lottery, pawning their mothers old family heirlooms for cocaine followed by a trip to Greggs for a dog meat and potato pasty. And when their screaming little shit they have in tow won’t shut his fat little face, they’ll buy him a throwaway lighter from the 60p shop to keep him occupied.
As for the nightlife, Newton Heath boasts a great many beer swilling joints, namely the Railway, Culcheth Gates and several on Church Street itself. Each one is as grotty as the last, and each one is run by a fat old woman who sleeps with a baseball bat at the side of her bed every night. And one of the punters in it. Even after the smoking ban, you can walk past the doorway of one of these hateful sin-bins and get high from the cloud of marijuana fumes escaping from inside. The local Working Mens Club has actually installed a kind of ‘open air prison cell’ right outside the front doors, so you can watch the Tetleys-drinking old men perving on your girlfriend (or mother) as you wait for a bus at the stop outside it. Speaking of which, the council recently tried upgrading this lowly bus stop with a new shelter for Newton Heath’s extensive Granny population. I don’t think it’s ever had any glass inside it, however. If it has, it’s likely to have been nicked to replace someone’s council house front window.
The locals of Newton Heath couldn’t be friendlier. Swarming with ‘Trespass’ black-waterproof tracksuit clad thugs; I wouldn’t bother asking for directions if you’re unfortunate enough to get lost in Pooton Beef. There’s a local rivalry between the three main high schools of North Manchester, namely the Girls School, the Boys School and St Matthews High School. The Boys school frequently beat up the Girls, and St Matthew frequently get beaten up by both. The 677 school bus is the stuff of nightmares; I’ve seen horrors on there which should never be released into the public domain. It’s not just the youths, though. Indeed, most of the thuggery hanging around on Newton Heath’s estates are between the ages 20 – 40, some even older. Drug dealing is rife, the wardens are corrupt and the police simply don’t give a shit. Dogs are used as currency in areas such as the Troydale estate. The bigger and rougher looking, the more they’re worth. Poodles, for example, are roughly equivalent to 1p in monetary terms. Trading a dog for food or sex is also commonplace. Sex with the actual dog, too, can probably seen after dark down some of the more downtrodden alleyways.
Finally, I come to the local culture of NH. If you don’t wear a pair of Nike Shox, you’re homosexual. If you don’t shag somebody before you’re 13, you’re gay. If you impregnate a teenager, you’re classed as a local hero and may even attract your own gang of thugs. Certain areas, such as Brookdale Park and Scotland Hall Road are no-go areas unless you drive an armoured vehicle. Do NOT drive anything less around Newton Heath. At least, if you take pride in your car any road. It WILL get broken into. No doubt about it. All children in Newton Heath are brought up on a diet of chippy teas, weed and Carlsberg, the latter two of which can be bought from California Wines on Culcheth Lane.
There’s a level crossing at the bottom of Berry Brow in Newton Heath. Trains run every 30 minutes through this crossing. If you happen to accidentally venture this way, it’s certainly better to end your journey by waiting for the Manchester Victoria service to squash you to a pulp. A lot better than walking through Newton Heath.
I am the only taffy living in newton heath……Is there any other welsh people around here……I must admit the culture is so different here to what i am used to….. i’ve been here over 7 years now and i can honestly say it’s been an eyeopener…….I’ve brought my welsh ways and dramatic behaviour with me…. and i’m not sure whether or not it is lost on the locals around here…..As i come from a small town i love to gossip and catch up on all the latest tittle tattle…..” WELL MY MOTHER WAS A WENCH AND I GREW UP IN A CREAMERY………you go for it girl!!!
what an idiot who wrote this proberly never even bean to newton heath where do they live .wilmslow do they not have crime ect ect like all towns it has its ups and downs i have bean all over the world an alter boy and a armed robber i run my own companys i can live where ever i want and i chose to live in newton heath .. so what ever dick wrote that let me know where you live and i can tell you your pit falls …about your area or do you still live with mum
I don’t believe its that bad,if so,what are the police doin’g all day.they could fill a notebook up by 2pm everyday!! think of all that BONUS!! easy-pickins of worthless Scrotes
Most of Manchester is horrible to be honest. A dull, grey city. Nice city centre though, thanks IRA!
*** Monsall Comment ***
Monsall is a great place to live, I purchased a property in 1999 and it was the best thing I could of done the value of my property has tripled and like any area you will always get the scum…. I should know coming from a posh part of stockport and even there we have the scum….
Good Points – Monsall
Great Location close to city centre
Tram stop opens 2011 March
Good motorway and road links
Great shopping areas on your door step, Walmart, Fort Retail etc
New Business Park – with new GMP station and Head Office for GMP
2 words for MONSALL ****** SUNNY MONSALL ********
99% in agreement. I live in nearby Moston (hurrah!) and have a couple (respectable) friends living in Newton Heath, how they turned out so well I have NO f**king IDEA.
I have the misfortune of biking down there occasionally, you can’t move for potholes, scumbags, kids on BMXs and garden-variety chavs. Can hardly bike through for the amount of litter, potholes and joyriders and even people who *own* the vehicle they ride around in seem intent on trying to kill you.
Heed this post. It is not exaggerated in any way. You have been warned.
That’s really sad. I was born in Scotland Hall Road, and as a kid I loved it. Everyone was so nice, and new everybody else. I used to get sent to the pub to collect a bottle of beer for my grandad…..Well, I guess times have changed!
Cess pit drug laden shit hole of a place. It’s unfortunate the worlds biggest sports team originated from there & you get nothing to remind you of it other than a few street names.
I grew up in Newton Heath and now i am studying at university have you ever actually lived in Newton Heath yourself their is some very nice people who have originated from this area
I loved the part about the respectable areas its situated next to
not every part of newton heath is overrun with scum 99% of the people are law abiding, clean, healthy eating, tax paying citizens with good manners taught to them by their parents. but it,s getting there with the gypsy families they keep dumping amongst us, no wonder house prices are dropping. you don,t say which area you come from it would be interesting to know. ps get rid of the 1% scum and watch newton heath return to it,s former glory of yester year. my family have lived in the area long before the estate was built all green fields, wish it was now
My aunt’s from newton heath but mind you, that only convinces me more you know what you’re talking about lol
Well, this was an eye-opener and certainly made me laugh – ever thought of doing stand-up? We’re not all like the ‘chavvy’ luvvies you so delicately describe though in Newton Thief, some of us are actually married, own their own homes and are both in employment – bizarre eh? Oh and we also have kids at uni AND college and in our spare time (obviously after Jeremy Kyle’s finished & I’ve taken ‘Shabonce’ the pit-bull round Brookdale Park to savage a few old ladies sat on the benches drinking Barley Wine from their tinnies) study for degrees. Personally, I love Newton Heath…wouldn’t live here if I didn’t.
Not everyone from Newton Heath is scum. Funny article and comments, made me chuckle. Some of you need to go back to school though. Your spelling is appalling. I’m also surprised that Monsall isn’t in this list. That place is in a league of it’s own.
i live in newton heath, and i must agree we are surrounded by f**king scumbags, party central behind our house every night, pj wearing , tracksuit clad knobheads pissed on cheap cider , i wish they would all f**k off and die bunch off tossers
Newton Heath was not always like it is now. It is all the drags that the council have been moving in since the 70s
Hilarious but it’s not really that bad. It’s true about the pyjamas though – you can see women cleaning their cars in their pyjamas at 6pm which makes you think – have they just got up? or have they not been to bed? I’ve lived in worse places…
The one thing you missed was the pall of smoke from a burning car as you approach the crossroads near Dean Lane. The f**king scum who live at the back of the railway depot torch at least one a day. I walk/drive down Church Street on a regular basis because I have the missfortune to work near there and experince the disgusting view of the chav slappers with their crusty crotched pyjamas as they push their screaming flotsam into Greggs. The lazy drugged up filth are always in evidence and if you want to post a letter on giro day you might as well f**k off to manchester as its quicker.
Its all true! nobody but nobody who aint from north manchester visits newton hell, it should we wiped from the face of the earth so respectable people dont dirty there feet….
well i’m convinced