I feel it is my duty to inform you all about this town that I can only describe as the festering cat turd in the Garden of England. Sheerness is an industrial eyesore and the majestic ‘crapital’ of the Isle of Sheppey, on the North Kent coast. If you have never heard of Sheerness, that’s because it’s the kind of isolated hellhole, you have to go far, far out of your way to wash up in. It is not somewhere you just leisurely pass through on your way to more salubrious parts of North Kent like Chatham or Gravesend. It was my misfortune to be a frequent visitor to this insular chav paradise and for 6 miserable months, a full time Sheerness resident.
So lets take a tour of Sheerness-on-sea.
To guide you I have taken a satellite map of Sheerness and shaded the different areas.
The first thing you’ll notice as you approach Sheerness by car on the A249 is the smell. I can only describe it as mixture of burning car electrics and sulphur. This allegedly comes from the Steel Mill and of course, is in no way toxic, in fact, it’s just like breathing in fresh alpine air. You will soon come to point 1 on the map. Here you can park and savour the sight of the Steel Mill in all its non-third world glory. It really is breathtakingly beautiful just like Port Talbot. As you travel onwards, you will drive past Blue Town before you know it. Due to the prevailing wind, Blue Town usually gets a good dose of the alleged meadow fresh alpine air from the Steel Mill. Consequently, no one wants to live there apart from Junkies and various other assorted filth.
In no time at all you’ll be in the heart of this bustling metropolis. Well, the bottom of the High Street, Tescos and that shining beacon of non-chavdom McDonalds, as you reach point 2 on the map. Here is one of the finest chav spotting areas in the country. Yes, the whole country. To the right of McDonalds is the Sand Pit. In the summer months, the local chav community like to avail themselves of something from McDonalds £1 menu and chav it up in and around the Sand Pit like flies around shite. Don’t ask me what the mythical attraction is of this kids play area (apart from somewhere to walk your pitbull cross) and for the love of god, don’t go spotting at night when Tantra nightclub is in full swing. You will need counselling for years to get over the Post Traumatic Stress.
If you have the stomach to proceed into the heart of the beast Sheerness, you can now head for point 3 on the map. This is a designated parking area for visitors, as I’m sure you’ll want to explore to truly unremarkable High Street. If you roll up on a Tuesday, you can just forget it and find another car park, as for on Tuesdays this area becomes the chav holy shrine, where all come to worship just after they’ve dropped their clutch of illegitimate children off at school and cracked open their first can of reassuringly costly French Lager. Yes, behold Sheerness market. So good, a free bus service picks up vermin from outlying holding pens such as Rushenden and Queenborough to pray at the Alter of out-of-date crisps, broken biscuits and snide designer wear. Hallelujah!
Point 3 is what some people consider the Sheerness Golden Triangle, the Market, the Police Station and the Job Centre, an area where Sheerness chavs spend 90% of their time, when out of the house. It has to be said that Sheerness is one of the most densely chav populated places in the Home Counties. A town only rivaled in the infestation league by the mighty Chav Mecca that is Chatham. However, Sheerness seems to counteract this chav density by having the highest population of freaks I have seen anywhere. Now what do I mean by freaks? We are talking the retarded, fugly, walking posters for why cousins should not breed. Forget the backwards island keep-it-in-the-family urban myth, this is because an alpha Chav can impregnate so many 14 year old schoolgirls, that half of the next generation don’t know they are genetically related.
If you are thinking of moving to this god-forsaken town for whatever reasons, commuting, low house prices, insanity, etc, please, please, don’t do it, even the pits of Thanet are more attractive, believe me. However if you want to regress to a more simian like primitive creature, be my guest!
Greeting to Rule and Rule, Mann & Co, Ward & Partners, Sheppey Estates, Broadway Estates and any other agents on the Island of Dreams!
Point 1 – http://tinyurl.com/2ws2ypc
Point 2 – http://tinyurl.com/35xzt3c
Point 3 – http://tinyurl.com/322f9bs
Tags: anti social behaviour, ASBO, bluetown, chavs, crime, estate agents, ghetto, Isle of Sheppey, Kent, letting, Leysdown, Medway, Minster, North Kent, property, Sheerness, sheppey academy, sheppey college, Swale
OMG so true
my family come from the Island and we HATE it!! You cannot walk along the high street without being overwhelmed with millions of children and there teenage mums, it seems islanders have nothing better to do than breed? If there not goms and retards there murdering druggie chavs!
well – i’m from this shitehole and it sums it up beautifully – well done!!
oh and btw i’m a metalhead so i would think this – and i live in minster….. i am thankfully moving of of here ASAP
I used to take my grandmother here in the 1990′s. She grew up in Sheerness in the 1930′s. About the best place we got to was the graveyard looking at graves of distant relatives who died in the 1950′s. I saw this article, thought it’s overexaggerated. I explored the town for real just now courtesy of Google Maps. I was shocked. The high street has a massive prison style wall down one side. The only 2 shops i could see on it were a run down coffee shop and a bright purple sex shop. Where the hell else in the country is there a sex shop on the high street? Just around the corner there is a big builder’s yard factory full of strung up hideous claylike figures, goblins and other moulded monstrosities. Are these gargoyles there to scare away some devient life form that may come out at night time? The next dirty looking road is cringeingly named ‘King’s Head Alley’ complete with a 1962 green caravan (green by lichen) and infestated garden that looks like it’s been untouched following a nuclear winter. Sorry granda for moaning about the 50 mile round trip to view that graveyard. In reflection it will have been a better day out than visiting the town centre. God bless your soul.
I used to take my grandmother here in the 1990′s. She grew up in Sheerness in the 1930′s. About the best place we got to was the graveyard looking at graves of distant relatives who died in the 1950′s. I saw this article, thought it’s overexaggerated. I explored the town for real just now courtesy of Google Maps. I was shocked. The high street has a massive prison style wall down one side. The only 2 shops i could see on it were a run down coffee shop and a bright purple sex shop. Where the hell else in the country is there a sex shop on the high street? Just around the corner there is a big builder’s yard factory full of strung up hideous claylike figures, goblins and other moulded monstrosities. Are these gargoyles there to scare away some devient life form that may come out at night time? The next dirty looking road is cringeingly named ‘King’s Head Alley’ complete with a 1962 green caravan (green by lichen) and infestated garden that looks like it’s been untouched following a nuclear winter. Sorry granda for moaning about the 50 mile round trip to view that graveyard. In reflection it will have been a better day out than visiting the town centre. God bless your sole.
I WAS going to buy a house here, but i’m giving it a miss now.
i an suppose to be going to ward and parner estate agents in sheerness tomorrow. As i see the houses are really cheap, a lot more cheaper than dartford where im from. I dont know nothing about the island of sheppey and from what ive heard, ive been right put off. Is it really true what im hearing that its a shit hole and the people are rude and have no manners. I was looking to buy in minster on sea but not sure now
Minster is OK, but the whole of Sheppey is a cultural desert. For example, a few years ago, I was searching the web for the nearest vegetarian restaurant to the island, the nearest was south london!
However, Sheerness is like Dartford, just less cosmopolitan, if that is possible!
its not all as bad as that i moved 2 the island 13 years ago it beats london anyday ive never had any trouble here i think the thing is u do need a car as there r no jobs around being such a small island im shocked 2 read that
Going by what someone has said is a ridiculous way of choosing where you yourself live.
I heard awful things about Maidstone area, but its not at all.
Minster on sea is a nice part, and as for cheap houses. pffft. That part of the island isnt exactly cheap, maybe cheaper than some places, but its still not bargain cheap.
explore it yourself and then judge it.
dont go by what someone says, its easy to pin the word “chav” anywhere. As for the smell, ive visited it, and there is no smell. The people i spoke to were very polite. All places have rude, unmannered teenage chavs. Its just going by “myths” for this island. Im sure someone doesnt rate the place that person lives who wrote this article.
You have your own mind. Make your own choices. Dont listen to some person who listens to everything people say about the place and decides to put it on the internet.
Every town has a terrible story.
what an immature bunch of pricks, if you dont like sheppey then f..k off back where you crawled from
ay buy heck thats unkind lad
thank you all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i unfortunately had a mental lapse and ended back up here and am now still trying to claw my way back out, if you don’t dress in leisure wear whilst carefully trying not to spill your tennants super, baseball cap and have the occassional muttering of fu-in caaaaarnt whilst being in the possession of an iq of 3 also while draggin 5 of the kids you still have that haven’t been put into care then your life is made hell, i have had 10 years of death threats abuse insults etc…..my crime daring not to dress like them and having a vocabualry of over 50
If you find yourself in Sheerness, you tell your mates you are ‘Gan Dan Pan Tan!’
http://youtu.be/oz3sOfcYR24
Sheppey has the highest percentage of Down-Syndrome in the country.. This is down to inbreeding. Fortunately all I did was turn up and take a shit in the road before running from the police who came to investigate my turd
I have not lived on sheppey for 6 years and they have been the best years of my life.All i can say is what a dump,and i would never move back.There is still life out there apart from the isle of shite,wake up and live a little !
Sheerness isn’t that bad a place, I don’t know where people get that load of shit from. I wasn’t born on the island but have lived in Minster for thirteen years, and never have I once had a encounter with a chav. Old grannies can go down to Costcutters or the Co-op without worrying about being stabbed. Alright, the island is not a paradise but it isn’t like living in somewhere like Peckham or Leytonstone. I understand this is a joke but it really ruffles my feathers, because you don’t know f**k all.
Behave!!!! the place is f**king terrible!!! I bet you’ve got webbed feet….
this actually made me laugh :L
Blimey!…Sheerness sounds absolutely idyllic compared to parts of Hove where I have the misfortune to live. The epi-centre of vileness is Tescos in Church Road. It’s like entering a different dimension when you go in there (which I would strongly advise against) the only good thing about it is all of the retards there make even the ugliest of people look good. Just how do all these neanderthal lard mountains stuff three trolley loads of (so-called) food into themselves and their multi-coloured trainee retard offspring in a week?
if ever i find out who you are who’s slagging sheppey off i’ll make you drink loads of cheap lager,smoke low grade weed and make you sleep with a load of rough girls.
Sounds perfect…….. 41 canterbury st Gillingham, Do I have to come to you or will you send the larger,weed and sheppy shitters to me x
I was actually considering buying a house there until you enlightened me. Genius rant.
Sheer-mess
Ok so, None of this is true. I live here, and those pictures are SO misleading. The island isn’t really chavvy at all, to be honest its far from it. Also, those images are so misleading.
Yes I am aware that this is a joke, but still.
I really can’t see how these images are misleading? The only way you could prove your point, is to post a google streetview picture of Sheerness that is particularly idyllic. Now there’s a challenge!
good idea ! Go look at Sheerness High Street on Streetview to see thebright purple Sex Shop!
Just wanted to point out this:
I was born on the Isle of Sheppey (back when the old minster hospital had a maternity ward), I lived there for the majority of my life, and everything said describing Sheppey above is 100% accurate, the pictures are also not misleading in any way, Sheppey is an ugly, nasty shit hole. It is a shame it is that way, it *could* be a lovely place, if you tore down most of the buildings and got rid of 90% of the people who live there, if you disagree with this, then sadly, I expect you are in that 90% of idiots who keep Sheppey as shit as it is.
well it just just says it all with ur name LADYMUCK u was propberly one of those ones that made it have a bad name and junkie and now think u r some thing special cos u moved away. A place is what u make of it and i would rather live here then any part of south london were u get stabbed and raped and crack heads as lived there when i was kid too london that is.
Hi Fucku, such a classy name you have there, would never of guessed you have settled in Sheerness LOL.
ok, so lets get to it then;
I agree with you that Sheerness is not known for its crack dens or multitude of rapists, but is that really how we judge how nice a place is to live in these days?
I was born on Sheppey, live there and london and now I live elsewhere. London was certainly more scary and some nasty things can happen more often in London, but that doesn’t make the Isle of Sheppey some kind of shining jewel in North Kent. It’s not really a competition “my town is better than your town”, only idiots like yourself turn it into that. I often wish that the council on Sheppey would make it a nicer place, it certainly has potential, but no one on the island does jack shit to change things and force the council to make it nicer, all you get are lazy, feckless, jumped up, over protective neanderthals much like yourself, who instead of looking at the faults and actively challenging swale borough council to make changes, blindly defend a failing town just cos they happen to of shacked up there and it’s mildly better than their old shit hole, well, well done you.
Simply stating that somewhere is a tad shit to live and needs improving does in no way make them an ex junkie trying to disassociate themselves from their troubled youth, nor does it make them the reason said hovel is so shit. Maybe you should try this thing that most people do naturally, its called growing up
I’m shocked you are from London really, you sound a bit inbred, are you sure you don’t have webbed feet my friend? 
Maybe my name does say it all about me, maybe I am jumped up, but i’d rather have a name like LadyMuck and have people think i’m a snobby bitch, than have a name like ‘fucku’ which, invariably, will give the impression you are a 15 year old twat, good luck with that.
yeah!!!! well my dads bigger then your dad!!!
I think the stabbing sounds better as being from Sheppey clearly violates human rights
I just clicked on a random part of the town on Street View and the first thing I see is a sex shop. Nice.
Brilliantly written, I have never been – thankfully, and now I think I will certainly give it a wide berth – but just wanted to say – this had me in stitches – very funny.