Ahh… Beverley. The quaint little Market Town nestled in the rolling hills—– I mean, abnormally flat, not-quite-so-rolling planes of East Yorkshire’s commericial farm fields (“Mekkin’ tatties fer Tesco!”) Not much to look at… yes, but still the locals spout it be the Gem of the North East. But let us not forget these locals of this wonderful little town – in fact – the whole slice of East Riding regard themselves to be completely seperate to the rest of Yorkshire so much, that it could even be its own Country! Anyone north, south, or west of Hull are practically foreign. Oh yes. The good, humble people of this little corner of the universe are passionately patriotic, and don’t like to travel anywhere that isn’t of their own land. Doing so would encourage terrorists, illegal immigrants, and the chance of mating OUTSIDE of their own family. Terrible.
Lets get to the nitty gritty. Beverley is a dressed up s**t-hole. Ignore some of the pretty looking, historic buildings (most Beverley-heads do – unless said building gets converted into yet another big name chain-store) ignore the ancient Minister (most Beverley-heads do anyway) and ignore the scattered designer boutiques. All of this haughtiness has only pulled the wool over every outsider’s eyes – making the town look like a respectable, well-moneyed, and ‘Posh’ town. It isn’t. Behind every fur coat is an old tart with no knickers.
Beverley – even to its own occupants – is a shadow of their glorious, awe-inspiring Hull.
HULL! Re-knowned as the BIGGEST s**t-hole in Britain – and thankfully this was officially aired across every television in the country in Britains Worst Places To Live. The WHOLE COUNTRY knows what a complete Cess-pit Hull is – EXCEPT Beverley. Yes… you see, Beverley deems itself to be part of Hull. Or wishes it was. If you happen to hear a Beverley-head mutter: “I’m off in te’ town!” – it means HULL town centre. NOT Beverley’s own town centre. This also, fascinatingly, is the same case as regards night life. In fact – Beverley is in such denial that it is a suburb of Hull – that it has even started to look as similar to Hull as it possibly can! Gone are the days of unique, independant shops… in with the big-dick chain-stores, making it look more like Hull, and more like any other clone-like town in the rest of the UK. Shopping is serious business in Beverley now, as it is in Hull – because if you aren’t “Graftin’ or shoppin’, like!” then there is f**k all else to do, apparently. Or, maybe get pregnant.
There is no room for creativity in Beverley. It simply isn’t welcomed, and is looked at as completely alien. There is no Theatre, or Cinema (only in their beloved Hull!) nor does it have an Art-centre of sorts – like most respectable towns have nowadays (and Beverley deems itself to be one of those.) If you are brave enough to engage in a conversation about anything creative whatsoever – brace youself for a long, confused silence… apart from the sound of chip-bag paper rolling past. It simply isn’t a grounded way to live, and it is all make-believe anyway. If you are to survive in life you have to be “Graftin’ and workin’ a real job!” – anything that isn’t 9 to 5 will make a Beverley-head stunned, confused, and potentialy aggressive. If you find yourself in this situation – just randomly shout “I hate black people!” and you’ll be met with an accepting smile (nearly).
Beverley, as mentioned, is a patrotic little jewel. While the rest of the UK, and most of the world look at the current war in Iraq as being an absolutely f**king awful idea – Beverley doesn’t. They ship off their sons at 16 to join the Territorial Army (“Our Jez is int’ Armeh! Proper job, proud o’ ‘im!“) – and celebrate the war with their ‘Heroes Welcome in Beverley’ scheme: where shops give discounts to the Squaddies that start fights in the Green Dragon every weekend, and who were the drop-outs and thugs of its local schools naught but a few years ago. But that’s not all, oh no. Watch the Beverley-heads turn up in their masses to cheer at these marching Leconfield Squaddies during the annual “WE SUPPORT THE WAR – IT WA’ A MINT IDEA TEH’ GO OUT THERE AN’ SHOOT THE ‘BROWN’ PEOPLE!” – otherwise known as: “Salute The Troops Day” …
Beverely also has a wonderful local paper – the ‘Beverley Advertiser’ – where it does just that – advertise. Page after page of adverts, it’s a journalism beauty. Between such pages of adverts are some actual articles – be it about the tradgedy of Betty’s tomato plant stolen from her allotment, or a plump, chav-faced, mousey-haired, no-way-in-hell-could-ever-make-it-as-a-Model (cat) fighting it out in Miss Hull (Beverley is Hull, remember?) These being the best of the town’s ’Beauties’ it can offer…oh dear. Then of course, when it comes to any worthwhile report – such as a shameful crime that has taken place in the town: race-crime for example, it gets a tiny paragraph in the bottom right corner, next to the Second-hand-swap-shop section. This very weekend in fact – it was timidly reported that twenty five Beverley-head teenagers beat up a french TOURIST because of the ‘colour of his skin’ – and lots of other, adult Beverley-heads walked right past and did nothing (“Go ‘ann my son!”) That’s right. Beverley people beat up Tourists who come to admire their town. Bizzarre isn’t it? Unheard of anywhere else… but certainly not in good ol’ Beverley! Told you they don’t like ‘outsiders’ – didn’t I?
It isn’t a suprise that these little conveniantly hidden articles come out in the open some how. Take a walk down Toll Gavel on any weekday, it’s not a suprise to hear local old biddies discuss their racist opinions out in the open! Note the fact that most Beverley-heads all look the same, too: as well as the comman features, they have the same webbed fingers and feet… all results from inbred breeding. Beating up tourists because they look ‘foreign looking’ isn’t so shocking after all – when the towns-folk of Beverley are all related to each other. Just as stated above… Beverley-heads stick to their own, literally. If you are from north, south or west of this pinnacle of open-mindedness – Beverley – then you will be looked upon with a suspicious, queer eye. A witch-hunt with lighted torches and pitch-forks will be swiftly on to you! And if you decide to eat anything but carrots and cabbages, then you are a ‘Arab-shagger‘. Steer clear! Get out of their lovely PRO white PRO war Planet East Yorkshire – you red-headed, brown-headed demon!
Tags: Beverley
Cheers Squeezy Mustard, this made me giggle. I myslef are from Beverley and would just like to confirm we do think we are better than anyone else in Yorkshire, the reason being we are! We are off much higher class than yourself, you are the winnit upon the s**t under my shoe. The meer fact you wrote this article shows your jealously of anyone from / living in Beverley. Upon realising this jealousy, I presume you would like to be a beverlonian yourself? However, sorry my friend, let me just confirm you will never be a true citizen of Beverley as that would require you peeling yourself away from the keyboard, getting out of your mums basement and actually living a socially acceptable life! (Judging by your forum name, we all know this isn’t going to happen) On behalf of beverley and our “racist potatoes” I am sorry and reject your article. Thank you and Goodnight!
I don’t resent this article because it was pretty humorous HOWEVER I do believe you have made some sweeping, opinionated, ostentatious assumptions based on speculation and/or a severe dislike for the town. I grew up in Beverley, never wanted to leave; found university, never wanted to come back. This wasn’t due to the things you have listed here though, I just found love for Sheffield and its vibe. Hull is an absolute landfill site, Bransholme was used in World War II for our own planes to drop live, unused ammunition on their way back to base. (Let’s hope that there is an armed and very much alive bomb still underneath there now.) I as a resident of Beverley would NEVER associate with Hull, when people asked where I was from I would say “Beverley… it’s in East Yorkshire, it’s just a small town… s’alright though”, to my surprise though a lot of people I met at university knew where Beverley was and many had actually visited. I also don’t believe Beverley is racist, I have many friends of different ethnicities and heritage and not one of those have been subject to prejudice.
Sure I occasionally hate Beverley, often get bored and the insularity of everything gets on my tits; however it’s my home, no matter where I am I will often get a feeling of nostalgia leading me back here, give the town a break son you’re a douche bag with a bad argument.
I think you’re a fantastic comedian PAL but that’s where it ends I’m afraid, take your incorrect opinions and f**k yourself.
The last post was spelt and worded badly, apologies, I’m rather tired.
Funny article, not sure about your comments on the accent though. I grew up here an narrow mindedness does seem to be the order of the day.
But definetly Pro-war, tend to be a little racist, young person hating little town. (complaining about them hanging around, but there is so little for them to do in beverly, the majority of events sections involves “church coffee morning for the over 50s”
I’m into alternative music and have being for a long while now. I also am left wing, a feminist, political activist, elder student, and dress alternative.(apart from the racism, trust me if you dress anything differently to the mainstream, you are also treated with contempt/seen as a joke/wierd/evil…..
Despite growing up there, and the above problems, I sometimes visit the old folk, and I am looked at like some kind of tourist novelty.
There’s a reason I moved to sheffield!
- sheffield: A large alternative scene, you can dress how you like and no one looks at you like your “odd” “going through a phase” and if you do dress somewhat alternative, then no one batters an eyelid, also strong union base over here, and LOTS of stuff for young people, theatres, children’s events/centres/activities/weeks, live gigs nearly every night, good universities, lots of free festivals, and a young vibe to the place….
One thing I do miss though, I DO still love visiting Nellie’s! and the pints are a lot cheaper too, and once some get over the HOLY F**K, YOU DRESS WIERD, some folk (usually in their 30′s) tend to be okay with you but still perceive you as a little “odd”. And the folk festival brings a bit of sanity to the town, but be careful, you may get caught out by witch-finder general on your travels…lol
Funniest thing I have ever read in my life, the original article only represents the horrific area of Swinemoor, the rest of us just blend into the background and obviously were over looked. The squaddies come from all over England and start on those from Beverley disrupting our happy, slightly posh, occasionally drug fueled town. Granted it is not posh on the whole like some people believe but you can easily find a stuck up, rich bellend to remind you they do still exist here and we haven’t been over run by benefit-loving teenage parents yet, we have both ends of the social scale and it’s amazing.
I absolutely love living in Beverley, the best part is you can walk down any street in the middle of the night and not have to worry about getting attacked or mugged (even in Swinemoor) even the chavs are friendly….. just not to the foreigners, Beverlonians aren’t used to them.
“Graftin’ or Shoppin’, like’ – that sounds more like Liverpudlian to me… maybe he has his wires crossed.
“Graftin’ or Shoppin’, like’ – that sounds more like Liverpudlian to me…
I used to live in Beverley for a couple of years whilst tring to get a degree at Bishop Burton.
I totally disagree with what the author has written here. Beverley, in my opinion, is more or less the exact opposite of Hull. Hull being a bit of a dump. Beverley has an atmosphere that is far removed from that of anywhere in Hull. Its also far from being a suburb as, as far as im aware, its not even that close to Hull or connected to it.
I can only imagine the author only visits Beverley on a weekend. This is when a mad influx of Hull chavs rampage down the usually quiet shopping streets with their screaming offspring in tow. Im suprised they slag off the small town as clearly half of Hull visits there on any given Saturday. You can easily tell whos from Hull and who isnt by their constant swearing.
The rest of the week leaves Beverley in a much more peaceful state. I came to love the place when I lived there and to say anything against this town smacks of jealousy. If you dont like Beverley then please stay in your council house and throw your rubbish into your own garden. The people of Beverley will be grateful.
Great and Funny article!, not sure about your comments on the accent though. I grew up here an narrow mindedness does seem to be the order of the day.
But definetly Pro-war, tend to be a little racist, young person hating little town. (complaining about them hanging around, but there is so little for them to do in beverly, the majority of events sections involves “church coffee morning for the over 50s”
I’m into alternative music and have being for a long while now. I also am left wing, a feminist, political activist, elder student, and dress alternative.(apart from the racism, trust me if you dress anything differently to the mainstream, you are also treated with contempt/seen as a joke/wierd/evil…..
Despite growing up there, and the above problems, I sometimes visit the old folk, and I am looked at like some kind of tourist novelty.
There’s a reason I moved to sheffield!
- sheffield: A large alternative scene, you can dress how you like and no one looks at you like your “odd” “going through a phase” and if you do dress somewhat alternative, then no one batters an eyelid, also strong union base over here, and LOTS of stuff for young people, theatres, children’s events/centres/activities/weeks, live gigs nearly every night, good universities, lots of free festivals, and a young vibe to the place….
One thing I do miss though, I DO still love visiting Nellie’s! and the pints are a lot cheaper too, and once some get over the HOLY F**K, YOU DRESS WIERD, some folk (usually in their 30′s) tend to be okay with you but still perceive you as a little “odd”. And the folk festival brings a bit of sanity to the town, but be careful, you may get caught out by witch-finder general on your travels…lol
As a Bevloniean myself,i find your HARSH comments to be inacurrate and f**king stupid.
I moved to Beverley from London-Chelsea as a child and life around here is much better.
I have raised my two children,who attend one of the highest GCSE results schools in the leauge.And guess what,its in Beverley.
Hull is aprox 11.6 kilometers away from Beverley and I can assure you that NO ONE ‘wishes’ to he part of Hull.
Your sweeping statment on the comment about black people is totally wrong. I am black myself and have never found anything but loving people.Also you may want to rethink your statment about retail as the ratio of comercial to independant stores is easily beaten by the independant shops.
ALSO there is a treasurey in Beverley and a Art gallery-with viewing tower of Beverley,a cafe,a libary and a museam,
Over all I am happy to say I live in Beverley and there is no inbreeding…..*except the cleggs.
I don’t know what the writers agenda is but I recognise nothing of Beverley in his (or her) mad ramblings. No person born and bred in Beverley would ever want to be a Hullite,we detest Hull,a Labour stronghold when we have always been a Conservative Town. As for inbreeding well try Driffield or Goole; apart from the Cherry Tree Estate
where there is obvious evidence of inbreeding, Beverley has always had an influx of fresh blood due to it being the county town and the largest employer, if you disagree, go boil yer ed you dips**t!
As for inbreeding well try Driffield or Goole
sooooooooo right you are.
HEAAAAAR YE, HEAAAR YE “SIDESHOW BOB” YE OLD BUFFOON DO NOT SPEAK OF OUR HISTORIC TOWN IN SUCHHHH A WAYYYYYYYY. WE WILL COME FOR THEEEEEE. ALSO GRINDEL YOU ARE A DONGBELLLLL. now let us all dine on ale and ham.
As a committed theatre goer and enthusiast for youth theatre…those young supple boys dancing with their percussion…I’d like to defend these talented people. Who needs a conventional method of transport? Who needs historically accurate costumes? Who needs glowing reviews from the Scotsman? Not those ragbags that’s for sure. I have to go for a meeting at the town council transport planning meeting now. Goodbye *snivel*
Sideshow bob, is it really necessary to attack the theatre group No Soup? My friend’s in it and its given her alot more confidence. Sure they all seem a bit crazy, but atleast they’re trying to do something in Beverley.
clearly you are not from beverley,, you actual nob.
noone talks like that you thick s**t
why the f**k would people from beverley want to live in hull its full of dirty foriengers and smelly tramps that have kids at 12 wow great place to live!
even though i mostly agree with you, beverley definitly has its perks, although also definitly some bad points too, the fact that you put “dirty foreingers” pretty much sums up his argument
Coming from Beverley, but having not lived there for 30 years.. I must say it *is* hard to recognise the place now..
If anybody here speaks Dutch or French, then head down to the Tourist Information on Butchers Row for your free copy of the regional guide, in english, dutch and french.. as translated by a headcase with (presumably) google translate.. it’s hilarious! Here are just some of the gems contained:
English sentence: Ten refreshing ideas whilst you are in Hull
Dutch translation: Ten ways to get clean after visiting Hull
French translation: Ten ways to make your visit bearable
Sadly, much of the translation is complete gibberish in all languages, but there are some howlers when it is almost intelligable.. such as the front page saying:
English: Welcome to East Yorkshire
Dutch: Reception (committee) in East Yorkshire
It’s an absolute collectors item!
It used to be a nice town but has become overrun by chavs and charver bints. If you are not a grandmother by the time you turn 30 you are considered an old lesbian. I heard as well as campaining for their own currency, Beverley council wants to bring back weekly witch burnings and ‘angin!’…
Go eat your racist beverley potatoes Tess, this article is spot on and hillarious!
Could I just comment and say that maybe if you looked below the surface of the “quaint little market town” with it’s supposed lack of both culture and education you would find that you are certainly incorrect with this article. Although it’s been a long time coming Beverley is beginning to accept that it’s citizens are mostly educated, liberal,intelligent human beings – although you are right in thinking that several of the young people do succumb to the chavvy stereotype that is thrust upon them, there are also a fair few who do not. Look at the independent film nights that have been introduced or maybe the young persons production company “No Soup” who produce several pieces of avant garde theatre and music. Or maybe the folk festival..I think you’ve been looking for the real Beverley in the wrong places. Yes, Hull and it’s surrounding areas are pretty grim. But it’s starting to change. We certainly don’t think we’re better than the rest of Yorkshire ; Infact I’d say that they tend to think they’re better than us.
Tess,
I have visited your “Quaint little market town” on quite a few occasions and can assure you that the original post is 100% correct.
Many years ago, Beverley was inhabited by tree hugging, sandal wearing, lentil eating, bed wetting beardy arseholes called Tarquin, who, along with their wives actually thought they were the Hull elite, this is where the inbreeding began and why the opening post has indeed lifted the lid to expose the s**t-hole for what it is today.
The words “Educated, Intelligent, Liberal and Beverley” should never ever be used in the same sentence let alone the same f**king post.
Several of the young people do succumb to the chavvy stereotype you say, you could not be further from the truth, the several who don´t, have escaped and left the rest of you arseholes to wallow in your own s**te, your attempt at masking the truth with your “avante garde” theatre fools only the brother/sister and mother/son couples who frequent those piss poor events before staggering back to their homes to indulge in another incest-fest.
You see Tess, we outsiders see you for what you are, not what you think you are.
we are not “fools” thank you very much. You do not know us at all and most probably have not ever seen one of our productions
- No Soup member
Tomo – you terrorf**k of a Chav. I know its hard for you being a product of your mum, and your mum’s brother – thus making it hard for your to spell because you only have one eye, but please, take my advice – don’t show yourself up to be a mentally challenged moron anymore.
God ave you erd you ya knob ed!