Inverness may appear to be a bustling, sophisticated city tucked waaaaaay up north in Scotland, and during the day you might be right but once night falls during the week or more obviously the weekend “Shit get’s real” to use the parlance of the “town eh”. There are 2 destinct types of breed to be found in the city. We will call them Estate dwellers and Cruzers.
Estate Dwellers can be found in the thriving dole communites of Hilton, South Kessock (or the ferry as it’s locally known), Raigmore, Culloden, Smithton. These sparkling examples of social housing are generally the terrain of the locally known and laughed at “Neds”, these interesting species are easily identified as they are suitably attired in Trackies, Fred perry/Nickelson polo kneck tops, gelled spikey hair in the fasion of a recent cancer patient and their destinctive mink accents. Phrases you will most likely here are “Yoou starteeeen eh?”,”faack of eh ya wideo”,”You lookeen at me eh?”,”Im gonna burst ya eh?”,”Here you, cum heere eh, run ta f**k eh”, “Im blazeen eh!” and occasionally solliliquising with “thats a bangeen tunne eh! or the more common “OOOAAAH WHAT A TUUUUUUUUNNNNE!”. The more obesrvant of you will have noticed that each phrase is punctuated with “eh?”. Studies have shown they are unsure of what they are saying to you and are looking to you for guidance. Games you can play with this scum include saying to them “I dont know kind sir if I am indeed looking to engange in lighthearted fisticufs with yourself but it seems to me you approached me wishing to have a square go” this generally prompts a visual response upto and including whisps of smoke from the top of the head, suspected to be caused by a combination of the lack of using the word f**k and constructing a sentance using more than f**k, blazeeen, eh and bangeen tuune eh!.
So onto the areas outlined above. The chances of being mugged,beaten,stabbed,murdered or offered class A’s ranges from the probable to its going to f**king happen, mind you this is all dependant of the time of day, weather it’s dole day and state of inebriation. It has been hypothesised that the cretins of the great shitty of Inverness need to maintain a BAC of 0.4 % at all times less running the risk of realising what a dump you inhabit. The ferry being the worst of these as where else in the world would a woman be in the midst of a savage beating at the hands of her boyfriend when a kindhearted male local steps in to save her then finding himself being told “lay the f**k off my man ya c**t!” before being savaged by the local tag team domestic champs or having a disabled man stabbed in the heart “just cos he was there eh, and i was in a bad mood” and the assailant stood watching as the poor fellow died on the streets while paramedics tried to revive him or finally and most comically at 9am on a Sunday morning would a man walk down the street in a plad shirt just in his boxers and carpet slippers pissed clutching a bottle of half drunk coop whiskey in one hand and a bat with a 6″ construction nail hammerd through it in the other? This den of minks, bucks, wuddys, bifters, Junkies and alchys also plays host to an interesting time paradox known locally as “The ferry Time Warp”.
The ferry or Merkinch as it’s known.
There are many no go areas in the Inverness but paticulary Merkinch or the Ferry as it is fondly known. The Ferry is home to the largest Ned population north of Glasgow. Walking from one side to the other is highly risky and if you are lucky you will be mugged. If you are unlucky chances are you will be raped or stabbed. If you should attempt this journey wearing anything other than Ned clothing you are most likely to be stabbed, raped, mugged and neutered before you even have a chance to scream. In fact the inhabitants of the Ferry are trained from birth to track outsiders so they can shoot, stab, mug, rape and neutor them whilst smoking three fags and drinking a bottle of Buckfast Tonic Wine. The only way into the Ferry from the city centre is over “The Black Bridge” (yes that is its real name, I swear!) then under the railway bridge. If you are on the run from the police then this is your best chance of escape, even the police dare not challenge the people of the Ferry, but a life sentence in prison is a thousand times better than what you will face across that bridge. Merkinch is the “gentler” side of the Ferry. The residents there tend to be more aggressive but full of hollow threats.
All in all….Inverness is rough as boar shite and twice as disgusting.
Tags: Culloden, Ferry, Merkinch, Raigmore, Smithton, South Kessock, ton
ok so i lived in inverness for 7 years i had been atacked my windows smashed and walked through the park to go to school after someone had been stabbed in it the place is a joke if you don’t own a tracksuit then your screwed i got bullied for talking properly the place is overrun with junkies and bru bums and single mums that can’t keep their legs shut then moan about their junkie bf’s on facebook well done to the person writing this a mean you are only saying the truth
I love how half of these comments look like they’ve been written by uneducated neds haha. This article is 100% true, but of course not EVERYONE is as it describes. I would agree that Inverness is a shit hole to be fair and I’ve lived here all my life.
ryt am liam, from down hilton, and all of this is a heap of shite pal! i sweer down i’ll kick the shite out of any1 that sais otherwise! this is redeculous mun! bunch o wankers! never been blazin in my life neither have i touched a class c drug ever! ffs bunch of balliocs this is eh.
i’m better than all this shite pal
hi am bracken frm down in hilton i dnt tke no shit if i find out who this is thy betta watch dere back eh i will knock dere too front teeth out ehh
This fellow is right about chav town. I believe that Alex Salmond has offered a couple of Drummonds to China in exchange for the pandas,although the chinese government have been encouraged to not let them breed.
I’m 14 and I just want to share my knowledge of what I think of the accusations made … Here goes my sister is engaged and just had her third baby. She lives in a lovely house in Hilton in a lovely area with nice elderly and young neighbours who are polite on outings when walking down the street. The (ferry) well everywhere you go you get some bother and everybody don’t always see eye to eye but that is also a factor of life!!. Including personal details of someone’s tragedy is a disgusting way for the person who wrote this to get media attention and copies of newspapers sold. I think whoever did this should really have a step back and look at themselves I quote ” How could this person do such an inhumane thing toward towns and cities”. Everywhere has its rough parts don’t get me wrong , most places in Inverness have quality communities for kids and children to have a fantastic youth club etc. Inverness is a town that might have its downs in certain things, but altogether I’ve hated and loved every moment of my life here. Inverness is a town that the people that live in it are a family. I’ve cherished so many memories and laughter , tears and good times with people I’ll never forget . And many people in the areas that make up this town they would say the same thing. If this isn’t enough prove then what is. Because I guess nothing can soften the heart of the person or people who are responsible for this scandal.
Eh wots rong wi smifton lak?
I’m 16 and live in Inverness, can’t say I can disagree the population of the town is infested with people with no qualifications, druggies and just really filthy people.
Trust me, when I finish my last year in high school I won’t be sticking around.
Heeeerre av lived down. Eh ferrry for yearrs mun and av had No borr with no c**t. Every c**t is sound nd u get a bit of crak wi them so don’t giv us ur shite mun
This post has obviously been done by someone who has a grudge against inverness or someone living there, who also has no life. What you are saying is very stereotypical and a complete joke. I’m a teenager who lives in culloden so what category do I fall into? None of them. Inverness may have people who look and dress and act differently but that is all about individualism. You have over exaggerated these stereotypes massively and need to think about what you’re saying and concentrate on the good, not just the bad which I would say in my personal opinion as I actually live there – the bad really isn’t that bad. You don’t live there so don’t experience everyday things everyday, and really inverness has a thriving community which doesn’t appreciate small biased comments like these. Also, have you noticed I haven’t said “eh” once? And i’m a 16 year old.
R u taking this piss this person knows f**k all about Inverness maby we do say f**k slot and the Americans are fat but no ones making a big deal about that. This journalist c**t is only looking to get back at the place where he was Beatin up every day because he was a grass and sucked the teachers dick for more school work. Have seen Dalneigh is f**king horrible visit tbd whole off inverness before u start to judge us dirty scum
Lol FFS this is taking this piss i’m from Smithton and love it I’ve been down the ferry and didn’t dress like a ned lol wasn’t stabbed, rapped or mugged Inverness is great. Glasgow now go look at them you f**king wank. This guy knows f**k all about Inverness Hmmm no suprise he’s a f**king journalist scum making shit up to get some money.
Don’t quite know where he got his info but it’s a hilarious read. I’ve lived in the ferry for 12 years, when I moved here yeah I got a wee bit of hassle but those responsible have long since moved on or grown up (thank god). I have elderly neighbours and also a vulnerable neighbour to and we look out for each other, we are quite close knit where we are. As with every town & city there are bad people around and people that think they own the place and it’s those people that spoil it for everyone else, there is no doubt a drug & drink problem down here which really needs to be addressed but take that out of the equation and this area would be a lot more desireable place to be. As for everyone being on the dole, how did he work that one out??? My husband works hard to support us & our little ones, we don’t claim benefits & won’t unless we really have to.
Lmao that is the funnyest thing I have saw in ages inverness is a nice town and the same as any other with its good points and bad I am moving to one of those so called no go areas and can’t wait that person who wrote that is a utter arsehole !!!!!!
look, we dont like what you are saying about the ferry|inverness there are verybad places anyware else so do not blame us for some bad people here, let me refrace that most of the people here are nice yeah they can smoke and drink but there are people drinking else were, all over England , Scotland , Wales , Ierland so dont push ur way around and say that inverness is bad and for that we care about this place yeah it isent the safeist but u learn ur way about very easy and thats why we like it
we live here we dont pick on u or ur home town or villagae do we yeah we joke about it but we care about it and i dont care about anyone else that hates inverness and if it was that bad why would people be living
here and having a ball going out with there friends and having the best time of there lives
just awnser my question inverness is my home town and i am here to stay ok so dont go throuing acusations around before you know us
le me know when u have met everyone
are you actual been serious we have lived in the ferry all our lives and we have not been stabbed, mugged or raped so stop making up a heap os shite that aint even true and we use none of the phrases that you have said we have ‘supposedly’ used so get a grip of reality !!!!!!!!
Inverness,run by the churches,corrupt councillors,the saying is if you want a great place to live,stay away from the so called CITY that is inverness.. There is nothing here for anybody apart from tourists and they get to go home,how lucky they are.. The roads in and around the CITY resemble vitorian times,but the council insist on spending money on lights on a beaten up bridge. There is nothing for kids and never will be because the church does not want anyone to have fun,so yes inverness is a dive and not a great place to stay…
No wonder inverness is slated,out with the church and out
with the corrupt council,no such things as chavs or neds, the curches need to give up the vice grip and giv te the kids something to do,skate parks,go kart trac ak , c’mon give us a break and wake up,give people things to do. This is aimed at the old generation of churches and council coruption.
Really can’t understand why the Highland News & everyone seems to be getting their knickers in a twist over this article. It’s the truth.
Whilst South Kessock (The Ferry) isn’t Merkinch, it is next door and it’s just as awful. They’re both populated by the same stock of Junkies, Single Mums, Boozers, Long Term unemployed and general wasters. If you make a success of your life even in a small way the first thing you’ll do is move out.
The only good thing about these areas is if you are heading back in a taxi there in the early hours of Sunday morning with a girl you’ve met – you’re guaranteed a ride (just don’t worry about who’s looking after her kids).
What do you call a 30 yr old single Mum in the ferry ? Granny
Inverness is a shite hole but its our shite hole this mug prob never lived here or is probly sat up in craigy licken the windows get a grip
f**king hilarious, eh!
Why is everyone taking this so personal? Is it because “the truth hurts”?
Anyway, Dalniegh, The Ferry (aka “The Bronx”), which includes South Kessock and Merkinch, Hilton (gotta be the worst, an eyesore full of smack-heads and 16year old single mums), and Torvean are all full of dole-ites, dossers, screwballs, speedfreaks, junkies, alkys, neds, inbreds. These places are disgusting to look at and whilst no doubt there are decent folk living there are generally full of SCUM!! Oh well, at least it is not Alness
I’m from smithton and now live down the ferry but yet I haven’t being stabbed mugged and what not who ever put this up is a joke smithton is a great place with loving people in it and the same from the ferry ye inverness might have bad people in it but not everyone is what you make it out to be.one thing I can say I hate n love inverness and wouldn’t change this place for anything or the people you’ve made it out to be a joke but you clearly don’t no what you are talking about so how about grow up!