Chavtowns

Cesspit, shithole, cat-sick-slobber – there are many names for Crawley. Some call it the Armpit of the South, I’d go further than that. I’d say it’s the infected spot in the Armpit of the South. My two friends and I were so pleased when we discovered that Crawley had not been missed off the list of Chav towns – that, in fact, it had 3 entries! Three! So we thought we’d add a fourth. We thought we’d be refreshing and give three independant accounts on various areas with in the rank, disgusting and chav-infested hole. Make no mistake it is chav infested, it’s like looking what the cat coughed up and pissed all over at times. 90% of the population is chav based or related, the rest of us make do as best we can. And God do we try.

Account #1: The Park

Now as the oldest of the Crawleyites I would love to be able to say that Crawley wasn’t always this way, that it didn’t always have Chav Mecca – County Mall. But that would be a lie. A barefaced, stinking, stupid, shitty little lie. Crawley has been this bad as long as I can remember, there have always been squeaky voiced little boy chavs trying to look big for their five years underage slut girlfriends. ‘Tis just the way.

Arguably the thing that made Crawley famous was a little event in an area local to my house called Tilgate Park. A place where, shockingly for Crawley, there are very few council houses. Single mums teenage mums, however, are surprisingly enduring when it comes to finding a home. Anyway, some chavs who were feeling far more clever than they actually were hooked a moped up to a child’s roundabout. They proceeded to rev it and cried in youthful glee when the engine caused the toy to spin. Three Chavettes then seated themselves on it and the fun began. It spun so fast that the stupid sluts were thrown off and given broken limbs and third degree friction burns. This made NATIONAL NEWS and so it should. We should remember the amazing depths of chav idocy. We could scarcly believe it. Other chavs could scarcely believe it.

But that is only what the BBC knows us for – an event outside Tilgate Park. I now wish to talk about what goes on within it. I am of course referring to the ‘night fishing’. Ever wonder how our teenage pregnancy rate is so high? Well this is how! Chavs and their all-too-young chavettes go the the lake at night and do any number of activities at an interesting variation of volumes. Fornication, fighting (even though they may not have alcohol!), nude swimming or even murder. It is so very difficult to tell. The police don’t dare enter, neither do those unfortunate enough to live nearby. This behaviour is odd and almost bestial, just like the Pint&Fight phenomenon. Because of it we have an ever increasing number of the burberry wearing, sticky fingered, pissed off their faces, headache inducing, mugging, thieving, fighting, little bastards. Would it kill you to use protection? REALLY?

It’s not much to ask is it?

Account #2: The First Hand Encounters

As a local shop worker in a newsagent I notice something about my regular customers every so often and this happens to if not all of them, the teeange single mums and lay-about housewives will dissappear for a week or two only to reappear a few days later with another child, which would make 4, 5 now? I lose count. If I’m not being regailed with truly inspirational stories of how their wonderful lives fall to pieces when they can’t cash a gyro at the local post office only to get them selves pissed for another night at the local pub; I am met with the classic chav who comes in asks for a large Rizla just so they can get high for another night as they roll up in front of me.

And then it happens I’m invited to go out with a group of *sneer* adoring locals who wish to go to Bar Med (local Chav night out of choice for your classier chav) to which I laugh and respectfully decline for fear of being followed home and gang-raped. For as we all know Bar Med is one of the areas in Crawley which I like to refer to as ‘The Source’. From ‘The Source’ spouts all manner of things drugs, fights and the occasional - no thats a lie – daily occurence of the couples entering the gents; probably going to flush the chemical toilet and make more darling cherubs to brighten up my day. After all where would we be with out this stunning beacon in the middle of our town centre, it reaches to all races and cults of the Crawley area drawing them in from all over like goblins to get their usual fix? Where would we be?

A better place.

Now after hobbling out of Bar Med you would think they wouldnt get so pissed out of their minds they can leave with some diginity right? You would be wrong. They step onto the bus, refuse to pay, fight with the driver and then only find themselves on the floor of the bus or plastered to the glass sheilds, they will normally stay there till morning. This is no ordinary bus service; this is Metrobus and Fastway but that is a topic I shall leave for the next writer.

Account #3:

Crawley can only really be seen on a bus, and coming from Bewbush (the cesspool of the cess pool), I really get to see some…coulorful characters! I remember one experience on the way home through gossops green, minding my own business a brick suddenly found itself trying to break through the glass beside my head. Fearing it was the end and terrorists had finally emerged from the back of Ifield I thought I’d stare death in the face and give a well earned ‘fuck you’. Imagine my suprise then when the brick had been thrown from a bunch of kids no older than 10…just think, they lived so close to bewbush and they weren’t fathers of at least 2!

Although this point has been gone over so many times, underage pregnancy isn’t a problem, more like expected. If you’re bleeding from the vagina then it’s time to leave home and get yourself council house! Best way to do that? Shag in every back corner and have yourself and your wailing baggage shoved in Bewbush or Broadfield, or if you’re really lucky the hostel just by ASDA. Just think, the boozer across the road, the hospital down the road and the church graveyard a 5 minute walk away. Its like a neon sign BE THE SHIZ PICKLE YOUR LIVER INNIT!

Ah yes Bewbush, the part of Crawley no-one wants to be in…and the council accept that! they even try to solve the problem! ‘Try’ being the main word. The local pub got knocked down a few months ago and is getting replaced by, you guessed it, more council houses! They even tried to help the poor trackie bints with prams and gave them a park to go to…which then turned into another baby making spot. Oh and the leisure centre got knocked down and replaced by a sort of…sexual health clinic? No-one really knows what it is and the chavs, with top form i might add, quickly covered it in grafic graffitti telling them where to shove their advice up the backside.

The field on the back of the old leisure centre is another story entirely. A huge football field  on the back of the farer out council houses, is the prime vacation spot for all pickeys. I cannot tell you the joy I express seeing a nike covered gypo having a crap in the street. In fact, I think this is all chavs are ever good for in Crawley. If they see a pickey then all attention is directed at driving them away! It’s like a holiday from the constant shit they give you, instead of having them try and beat YOU up, the gypos get it instead! But then they leave and the chavs use it as the ultimate boozer. smashed WKD bottles…oooo yay.

We are three non-Chavs from Crawley and even we cannot escape the culture. If you ever find yourself in this God-forsaken spit of land then run, run fast and hard and don’t look back. Much as I hate to say it MAKE FOR HORSHAM. We don’t really like them on principle but they have one thing right. Crawley is a deadly place for the non-educated in chav ways. After awhile it gets inside you, it infects you. Soon you end up swearing and liking RnB.

Sad times. Sad times, people.

From birth, the people of Hemel Hempstead are given no chance! Until recently the two local hospitals which supported childbirth where St.albans and Luton, which are hardly chav free zones, you enter any of these hospitals you will find chavs who have been battered and bruised (not always a bad thing) and chavettes who are in labour 9 months after there first period, seriously, the only people with more than 1 braincell in these places are the expectant mothers, and there other braincell is only tempary. But after the ordeal of birth and the newly made mother staring at her bundle of joy/jail bait and then flicking on hollyoaks you have the children starting primary school.

Oh woaw what a choice. Woodhall farm (the area i was raised) homes two primary schools. The largest one being holtsmere end. This place has more pikeys than a car boot sale and more lice than peter andre’s nutsack. But if that doesn’t quite sound to the standard of your sprog there is an alternative. Brockswood. My old school, where the residents of local caravan site attend, where they do not bother with teaching but just fiddle your sats results later. And after school you have the parents swarming outside all with there cigarettes and new borns, but you will only see these parents picking there little darlings up if the parents have actually finished school themselfs.

Then we move to the senior schools. again. what a choice, a choice of 6 schools all with very different qualitys. 3 of these schools are not that bad.

JFK- catholic school

Hemel Hempstead – All rounder, very adverage

Cavendish – Sports college

then we get onto the other 3

longdene – where the students are really as thick as Susan XXXXX’s pubic hair, they are however quite harmless, half of them dont speak much english and the other are still slower than a row boat team with no arms

Adeyfield – the boys of adeyfield are fine. there normal. the girls however…most of them have hopes that maybe 1 of these 40 yearold men they have been meeting up with online will want to keep them, and not just fuck them and then be thankful they never asked there name, these girls are highly trained slappers, most of them losing there virginity before there 13th birthday to a lad old enough to be there father. This trend carrys with them for life. This school recently offered all of its students a free chlamidyia test and the ammount of possitive results was staggering. This is also the closest school to leisure world, which i will expand on later

Astley Cooper – The arsehole of the education system. Try and drive past this school in the winter without being pelted with rocks coverered in snow, or even try and walk past without getting high on the fumes of the joint the 6 students are all sharing. this school is the training ground of drug dealers and battered girlfriends. They may not leave school with GCSE’s, but the boys will leave with an ASBO and a CSA bill and the girls will leave with a baby in there womb and there friends left in suspence of what colour it will come out. its not all bad though,  living in grovehill is a free ticket to never do a days work and get a free council house, and if you cant figure out what to spend you DLA on then the henry wells square is inspirational

Henry wells square – wow… what mother fucker thought this up, you have a very high ratio of unemployment, alcohol and drug use, benefit thieves and incredably young parents. How do you fix this problem? By putting a shopping centre in the middle of it! And what a centre! You have 2 pubs? A florest selling equipment to grow your own plants?? A liquer store??? And a car parts store so you can sup up your nova the way you have always wanted!!! WHAT THE FUCK HEMEL??? THIS IS LIKE PUTTING A MCDONALDS IN A FAT CAMP!!! THESE PEOPLE DO NOT NEED MORE WAYS TO GET TANKED!!! THEY NEED A BASIC FOOD SHOP, A CHARITY SHOP AND POSSIBLY A NEWS AGENTS SO AS THEY CAN SEE IF THERE GRAFITTI ON A LOCAL SHOP MADE IT IN TO THE HEROLD EXPRESS!!! Grovehill is truly the worst design since neon strips you can stick under your car. Nuke it.

The town centre is a fantastic place! You name any cheap takaway we got it! Pizza hut, Dominos, Mcdonalds, KFC, Burger King, Subway, Greggs, its all there! We got the civic centre so you can claim all your benefits such as your DLA for your bad back, only 4 more payments till you can get that moped. The college, for those who fail school, the health centre with a great poster saying come here for free condoms and the morning after pill, you will be supplied with either even if you are under 16. You of course have all your sports shops, 3 pound shops and a ton of cheap clothes shops, including “2good2be true” with the famous shirts costing at only 50p and sandersons, a shop selling bongs, crack pipes, cheap munchfood, energy drinks, and anything a drug user could ever need, yet, police completly ignore this shop and the obvious intentions of the clientel.

Then we move onto leisure world, which i have never read a review on here which hasn’t mentioned. This place is the chav breeding ground, it has probley had more children concieved behind it than johnny vagas has had hot dinners. This place really is a shithole, it is in jarmans park which has 3 main buildings. Leisure world, Mcdonalds, Tescos. So poured into the mixture you have Tescos supplying cheap drink, Mcdonalds catering, and Leisure world giving the shit music, shelter and condom machines. So you can imagine what it is like in there. I have been there many times due to the cinema, and on waiting to be picked up it is not uncomman 2 see girls who look pre-pubesent dressed as what can only be described as 4 foot tall prostitutes getting into cars with much older men who drive behind the building for 10 minutes or so before dropping them back infront of the neon sign. If you go there and listen, see if you can go 30 seconds without hearing fuck, cunt and shit, spend a night there and watch how many fights break out, the bouncers are more useless than a condom machine in the vatican and are more interested hitting on the younger girls. This place is where all the slappers from adeyfield come 2 meet there dream man, sad thing is, none of them have noticed that not a single guy in a nova and a track suite who fucks them before learning there name ever calls back. Unfortunatly, live in hemel this is your life, the council are doing something about this though. They have just opened a new club called the function rooms and are closing the hospital. I guess there leaving natural selection 2 wipe of this plague we call the chav.

If you chat to someone and mention there’s a particular area of the Town Centre that you feel very uncomfortable in even in daytime , they will usually chip in that it is the area between M & S and KFC .
Given the obvious issues in other streets nearby, it’s interesting that regardless of age, gender, race or sexuality this particular spot is mentioned above all others.
There’s a menacing feel to it, personally I think much is to do with the cafe table outside a particular shop where Eastern Europeans gather in all weathers & stare with hatred at local passers-by.
I’m not easily spooked having grown up overseas in Muslim countries where I was always the minority. In 15years of that I NEVER felt anything close to what I feel now and have for the last 3years walking on that bit of street.