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Archive for the ‘London’ Category

Stanwell, Kicking up a Stink.

Posted on: October 7th, 2008 by admin 26 Comments

We first moved to Stanwell in 1965,my father having obtained a two bedroom property through the good graces of B.A.S.H.S (says it all, really), the Airways Housing offices. As we alighted from the 203A bus at the top of Clare Road, our nostrils were assailed by the delicately fragrant combination of 1. Aviation Fuel and 2.Smithfield Animal Products Ltd (aka "The Bone Factory").This latter could best be described as an amalgam of Marmite and dogshit.
       A brisk 10 minute walk (believe me, we couldn’t get indoors fast enough) saw us arrive,gasping and retching, at our new home.At first sight, the immediate environs presented us with all the basic necessities for a small family, a pub with the name partially spelled out in off-white letters (The "(H)appy (Lan)ding") and a grafitto in blue spraypaint of one of the better known local "faces" ("Jimmy Hogg shagged a Wog and a Dog"). There was a small supermarket…Shaws by name, Fader’s Toyshop, a post office, TWO butchers, ditto greengrocers, and a chippy,run by the redoubtable Mrs Church and her strapping son.Just opposite the pub was Dr. Collins’ surgery, and 100 yards farther up Hadrian Way, the Dental surgery.Everything one required, in fact, after an evening in the "Appy Ding", a cheery hostelry where one would like as not receive a cheery greeting peculiar to the locale;"Wotchu lookin a’? Wonna smack in the maahf, caaahnt?". Two primary schools, Town Farm Juniors and St Annes infants and Junior school, and a fair sized park (the "Rec") catered to the needs of the younger residents.
       A word about the aforementioned Smithfield Animal Products Ltd. This fine, well established company had its premises on a large plot of rough ground situated between Long Lane and Clare Road,the tall brown brick chimney being something of a local landmark. It was a common sight to see a convoy of dark green wagons bearing their cargo of putrefying animal carcases into the factory grounds, eagerly pursued by a gigantic swarm of bluebottles buzzing merrily behind them. These loads of offal would be boiled, steamed,and rendered to their component parts of a.bone, for fertiliser, b. fat, for the tallow industry, and c. the most appalingly stomach turning stench known to man. The "Boney", as it was affectionately known, had been operating since time out of mind, until that glorious Sunday afternoon in the mid Seventies when one of the huge pressure cookers exploded, blowing the entire roof off the factory and unfortunately taking the lives of three workers in the process. My mother and I had been watching the "Eric Sykes Show" and eating our tea when suddenly, our living room window appeared to bulge inwards (how the panes remained intact I will never know), followed by a bang worthy of Hiroshima.Rushing into the front garden, we were greeted by the sight of tiles, roof joists and masonry falling delicately earthward, apparently in slow motion. One rumour put about later was that the I.R.A. could smell the place as far away as the Falls Road, and had decided to eradicate the problem once and for all with a huge fertiliser bomb. Of course the Priest at St David’s, the local Catholic enclave,tried to claim it was an Act of God. Who knows though, how far up the stink travelled? He may have had a point.
   After the rubble was cleared, Smithfield Ltd decided to move their base of operations elsewhere, to the joy of the local residents and, after lying fallow for several years,rebuilding finally commenced some time in the early 90s. The site is now occupied by the Northumberland Close Trading Estate.
   

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Manor House, London

Posted on: September 22nd, 2008 by admin 26 Comments

It makes me feel sick how many chavs are walking around acting like they own the place here, they gravitate down from Harringay Green Lanes, Woodberry Down, AND Finsbury Park.

Of course they all stay quiet but leave chewing gum on the floor, the trick is not to look vulnerable otherwise they target you very quickly, the scum.
It used to be worse, there used to be angry people on the benches that would ask for money off of you then stab you if you didn’t hand it over, but in that little shop at the bottom of the parade I’ve seen some dumb f**king tracksuit wearing indian guy quietly threatening people with “gimme a pound or I’l dig ya” so don’t be fooled by it’s quietness, people around here are mostly scum.
It makes me feel sick how many chavs are walking around acting like they own the place here, they gravitate down from Harringay Green Lanes, Woodberry Down, AND Finsbury Park.

Of course they all stay quiet but leave chewing gum on the floor, the trick is not to look vulnerable otherwise they target you very quickly, the scum.
It used to be worse, there used to be angry people on the benches that would ask for money off of you then stab you if you didn’t hand it over, but in that little shop at the bottom of the parade I’ve seen some dumb f**king tracksuit wearing indian guy quietly threatening people with “gimme a pound or I’l dig ya” so don’t be fooled by it’s quietness, people around here are mostly scum.
Chavvy people are always scum, obviously.
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Bexleyheath

Posted on: April 9th, 2008 by admin No Comments

Ah Bexleyheath. There have been several posts already on this wonder of a town, yet I feel that no one is summing it up well enough.
FIRST A POINT- IF YOU WRITE IN TEXT YOU ARE A CHAV. THIS IS NOT OPEN FOR DEBATE. SENDING IN THINGS IN TEXT MAKES YOU AN ILLITERATE SCUMBAG THEREFORE A CHAV. THANK YOU.
Anyways Bexleyheath. Around the times of 10:00 to 2:00 it is generally pleasant enough. However after this time the clock tower and fountain area of the Broadway becomes filled with the dregs of society. You have young schoolchildren of many varieties, doing nothing except loiter and attempt to accquire cigarettes with the ultimate ice-breaker of “Oi! Got a spare fag?”. They usually can be found outside Costcutter asking people over the age of 18 to buy alcohol for them. If the child in question is female she will offer oral sex as an incentive for you to purchase their booze. If you decline you are then subjected to a volley of abuse, usually incoherent and amusing. After 19:00 on Friday and Saturday nights is where the fun begins. Young males and females make their way to RSVP where they drink far too many alcopops and then decide to fight each other/the bus stops/the telephone boxes/most inanimate objects that won’t fight back. The morning after usually resembles a flood of urine, vomit and discarded condoms. The cycle then repeats itself again.

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Surbiton and Tolworth, what has happened to you?

Posted on: March 10th, 2008 by admin 5 Comments

When I was a nipper, Surbiton was a nice place to be. The locals were all friendly, buying stuff was easy, and I liked the area very much. Yes, that was then of course. Now all I want to do is get away from it.

There are a number of housing estates in nearby Kingston, and thanks to the Oystercard, the Chavs can roam free enjoying Tolworth Broadway and Surbiton’s Victoria Road. The normal chav facilities can be found in Surbiton, Macdonalds, KFC, a former Poundshop which made the best decision of its life to call itself the £1+ Shop, but not much else. So a main day for the chavs is going to"Maccy D’s" and then to KFC before the usual fag-cadging. There are enough parks around to keep any chav satisfied from slapping someone or to keep a chavette waiting for month number 9. However a general precaution(toddler or small dog) will scare them silly. 

Then there’s Tolworth, which seems to be in my opinion even worse. There’s no MacDonalds, in fact there are barely any fast food chains, so the chavs will make do with a Pizza or a Kebab before going to their "Hangout", a vast series of underpasses above the A3. This provides a great area  for dangling pebbles(Chavs are too scared to use bricks of course) above the passing cars, as well as also trying to mug you in the underpasses.
Bar the bowling alley, there is little unchavvy about Tolworth, except there are no Burberry stores nearby. Think you’re in trouble? Never ye mind, you can spot a chav here a mile off. The traditional etiquette here is blindig whiter-than-white clothing all year round, so if you are anywhere around London, you will spot a chav from these areas instantaneously. Rotten eggs and bricks for these moments are also cheap. Get your hands on some now!

Now you know why the theme parks keep their prices up around these areas, and why the 99p stores are becoming less and less frequent. Now you should be able to figure out why there won’t be any large Tesco currently. Perhaps sometime the area will be completely cleaned out. But hopefully then I will be living elsewhere. Not Essex.

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UK as a whole (The suburbs of London especially)

Posted on: September 18th, 2007 by admin No Comments

The UK

To be honest, chav-towns exist all over the UK. The stereotypes of boys with stripey yellow-grey jumers and massive grey hoodies, and girls with massive gold hoop-earrings and stilettos that are too high for their own good, are seen all over the country. I live in London, and see throughout central London (Oxford St seems to be a “hangout” for them) and especially in the suburbs of London (Hounslow, Staines, Kingston, Hayes, Uxbridge, Croydon, Mitcham etc etc etc countless and countless of names can be mentioned!!) massive groups in shopping malls, intimidating the public with what they call “Being hard innit bruv”. They pick fights with anyone who even glances at them. I personally think that’s cowardly and its obvious to me that if you have to pick physical fights to “win”, then you’re obviously in the wrong if you can’t settle your differences… Here’s a scenario to spell it out to you if you didn’t quite understand that:

“What you lookin at?”
“Not at you specifically, just around.”
“Nah man, you were lookin’ at me innit man…”
“Erm… no…”
“Shut up (BAM!)”

Temper temper!

The UN

The UN published today a list of MEDC countries and listed them in order of the quality of childhood lives within the country. At no surprise, the UK came bottom, thanks to high levels of teenage pregnancies (usually blamed on chavs…), high teenage consumption of alcohol – more than any other country (usually blamed on chavs…), high teenage consumption of drugs (usually blamed on chavs…), high cases of bullying at school (usually blamed on chavs…) etc etc. You can look at today’s edition of the Metro for a good overview. Thanks for putting the country in a bad light chavs.

Abroad

In that list, US came second to last. No real surprise there really either. If you really want to avoid chavs, sure they’re all over the world, but not as high in frequency as in the UK. I’m sure as a country, every city has them, making here one of the most, and possibly actually the most, chavviest country in the world. Go to another part of Europe is all I can advise if you want to avoid them. Probably not Spain though… especially in the summer. That’s like Chav-vacation spot.

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