Thorpe Park last week, the Underclass Hajj

After several students from my halls of residence decided that Thorpe Park on their Fright Night – (the park stays open until 10pm and has some new Halloween themed rides) it would be a great day out, we booked tickets and hopped on the bus to the train station.

It was generally from the point at Victoria Station that it all went downhill; travelling into the aptly-named Staines it was clear that it was the Chav Hajj; the Mecca of Chavdom to be partaken by every Chardonnay, Bez, Dez, Gaz and Mercedes-Britney in the surrounding 90 miles.

On arriving at Staines station we took the bus from just outside; a dilapidated skid-mark of a bus as well; and proceeded to enter the Park itself.

After collecting tickets; the scum was somehow omniprescent like flies on turds. Faded ‘Engerlund’ shirts, football shirts, two carat ‘Bling’ and I swear to god, pushchairs containing toddlers in Burberry.

After you walk over the bridge to the main welcome area you realise the creatures that will inhabit the park tonight – drunken louts abusing park-goers, facially-challenged chav girls with the ‘Essex facelift’, and the local spunk-buckets with ‘Gorgeous’ spelt in diamanté over her arse.

Q-ing for the first big rollercoaster, you realise that all the chavs that legally have to be in school (under 13′s) have come too, so they all have earrings and mini-Schott hoodies, as well as badly-highlighted hair and blank expressions.

The KFCs and Burger Kings around the site are full of the 37 year old Scum mother of seven, trying to cram as much deep-fried bumholes and eyelids down their screaming brats throats before they go on the next ride. The amount of times you could look round and see a mum or fat dad smacking their kids before they ate their sweets couldn’t have been counted on a big computer.

The gift stores dotted around were also full of scum trying to steal buckets of candy-floss, handfuls of sweets from the pick-n-mix, or name badges with ‘Dwayne’ on them, we did laugh at them afterwards.

The ride home was interesting; lots of crappy modded cars went past our bus stop (incidentally so full of scum you could have put it in a pile and grew veg) but old Astra 1.4′s with huge chrome wheels and scrapheap one liter corsas with double barrel exhausts did get a little wearing, although the upside was that they were leaving, back to their open prisons probably.

Plus we must have seen at least 10 drunken chavs taken out by security; yelling tirades of abuse at the staff and being kicked out.

All in all, a great laugh and good day out, but beware of the levels of Chav, because it will make your eyes bleed.

2nd report from Hammersmith:

You may remember me reporting this shithole a while back and slating the f**k out of it. Well its now time for chapter two….

The problems have worsened since my last report, Incest, Inter racial breeding, thieves, muggers, sex pests and Chavs (Only a handful of problems the local council face)

Last week I had the misfortune of having to cross the bridge and pick something up from Habitat. I originally purchased the item in Kingston, But they said I needed to pick it up from the Hammersmith f**king branch (cunts).

Armoured with my stab proof vest a good local knowledge and angry temper (at the time) I started walking over. It wasn’t long before my first bit of trouble…..

“Av you got a fag mate”

I ignored the little rat faced, big eared c**t and carried on walking. Suddenly I felt a belt across the chops. some suicidal bastard happy slapped me. Well he may have been happy, but I wasn’t.
I didn’t bother chasing him because he was with about 9 or 10 other little yobs. Anyway, Later that day I went clubbing and had to pass through Hammersmith again to get the underground up to Leicester square.

On my travels, I took a short cut through the pea body estate (this would be very eventful)……….

…..I noticed a rat faced little hooded gimp at the edge of the road with blood pouring down its face as I approached it, I noticed it was that boy from earlier. He was crying and said he just got mugged for his mobile phone and wallet.

I laughed my f**king head off and said “Ha Ha Ha, you’ve been happy slapped”

WHAT GOES AROUND, COMES AROUND. always remember that you Chavy, Pikey, Inbred Bastards out there.

Oh Feltham, Feltham, Feltham! What a wonderful place. For years Feltham has been the original home of the chav. Teenage single mums, boys with more arrset warrants than GCSE’s and Nova’s and fiesta’a flying up and down the high street. And the high street is where all the fun happens. Directly outside The Small Tesco’s is the chav hot spot. The original place to compare your freshly nicked nokia or your new 2 stripe trackie’s. And what’s more it’s directly in front of a mcdonalds! Yippee! Pound savers all round guys! The high street is far from picturesque. We have a bakers, a newsagent, blockbuster video, a turkish cafe (which guarantee’s the week off work) a wetherspoon pub ( cheap beer – top chav hotspot) one bank and everyones favourite, yep you guessed it… It’s Dalla’s Chicken and Ribs! And not forgeting Kwik Save. Apart from all that all the shops are boarded up. A great invention which came to Feltham a few years ago was 24 hour tescos. So when the chavs are bored at night they have somewhere to rob. Great stuff.
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