Chavtowns

To be honest I really don’t know where to start. This borough is full of absolute idiots; i grew up a road off edmonton and from the age of around  16/17 realised it would always be an uphill struggle to reside here. Edmonton is essentially the ‘urban’ part of the borough,what ever that means. It consists of an upper and a lower section. The vast majority of people I know from here believe the world owes them something. These characters enjoying stabbing/shooting/burning each other and their idea of a conversation is merely making self absorbed statements about how they indeed live a gangster streetlife like Pablo Escobar. Alternatively some of the residents  have twee evocations about olde london where ‘people were decent’ and these lot, at bottom, support the bnp. The ‘gangsters’ in many cases buy exceptional cars on hire purchase but reduce them to trash by modifications, usually the result is more trashy than cars on that absurd programme ‘pimp my ride.’ Edmonton/tottenham is the place where you are most likely to end up in a body bag in london. I stand by this statement, I have friends in South London and Brent and none of these areas feel as dangerous as edmonton/Tottenham. Tottenham will be dealt with subsequently when I write about Haringey.

Enfield town is more of your run of the mill ‘eastenders’ style chav paradise, like  a mini romford… At times the edmonton ‘gangsters’ end up there but in more cases than others its strictly inhabited by single mums and 14 year old kids with excessive spiky hair and four earings, at times rhyming cockney slang is used and people there only like only r & b music. You know what it isnt even just the way these people look that bothers me, I have shaved hair and wear clothes that aren’t exactly aristocratic; its more the pointless reaffirmation of how you should live a pointless life with no ambition. A perfect example can be drawn from a nightclub called eros.Which is now closed. Enfield town is the most annoying place on the planet and should be evacuated and then carpet bombed.

Southgate is if anything for some strange reason treated like a St tropez almost marbella part of the borough; arseholes in new bmws with black tinted windows who congregate at the bp petrol station near asda and consistently act like dicks. These people have exceptionally wealthy parents but insist on wasting their priviledges on 30,000 pound cars and have friends from Edmonton.

Winchmore Hill is simply a no mans land of boredom. Many of the people from the aforementioned areas use this as a place to ‘link’ [aka meet eachother in a social context] It masqurades as middle class but there are some A1 scumbags living here – dodgy characters….

Oakwood, again, is essentially an underground station with a few shops/restaurants. Its  quite middle class, from my experience people from here are  the same stock as those from southgate. Further on from Oakwood is Cockfosters which is actually ok. I wouldn’t mind living here as its more out of the way, if you like. 

Ponders End, Enfield wash are as bad as edmonton and  geographically connected to it. The sorts of people that dwell here and in brimsdown are killers in the making. Unreasonable, aggresive 28 year old kids. I’d say there is a strong case that these people may even have guns or other sorts of calvary/perhaps a light infantry that could be used in a warlike campaign.

All in all its a terrible borough, the irony of it all is that it seems to be the british mentality to behave like this. When I return I will be discussing the borough of Haringey.

And one day I will be living abroad away from all this.

To an outsider, the presumption of North London is of a good life involving rows upon rows of beautiful semi detached houses complimented by two or three brand new company cars on the drive with the occupants of the 1930’s properties all working hard for a living down the City of London. Sadly that’s just what it is,a presumption, when you talk about the dreary dump that is Palmers Green.

Situated between two shitholes (One being Enfield Town and the other being Wood Green), Palmers Green has gradually become a blot on the landscape. For an unknown reason, the whole of the mediterranean community in Britain has decided to make this little commuter town its home(And therefore Palmers Green turns logically to Palmers Greek!). Rows upon rows of multi colured Greengrocers, 24hr opening kebab shops, Cheapo jewellers (who give Elizabeth Duke a run for their money) and acropolis impersinating hairdressers attract, along with the usual chav magnets such as McDonalds, KFC, Burger King and the infamous The Fox Pub(5 murders in three years is a record even Baghdad would be proud of!), attracts all the down trodden chav skum living in Harringey, Tottenham, Edmonton and Sothgate to my little town and infest it with their local lingo (Dialect includes ‘Blad’, ‘My Bredrin’, ‘Do you want beef?’ (I prefer a ham sandwich with mayo really) and ‘Wots Guanin’) which us many human Palmers Green residents still strugle to understand. As well as their alien language, these sub-human characters also like to bring their quirky dress sense to the town which even Vivien Westward would be most proud of. With the ‘boys’ wearing their baseball caps at angles which defy even gravity, they fit snugly under their essential hooded tops. Underneath is the sleveless basketball top showing off their ‘muscles’ and the drop down jeans which also fit snugly but around their ankles this time and not around their waist which is the main purpose of the jean garment. But forgive these poor beings as they go to school at such highly academic institutes like Barnet College, Southgate College and Chase Community…they cant help being as thick as pig shit! By reading the description of the chav girl in many other articles on here i would waste my time describing the typical ‘Palmers Green Totty’ because they all sound the same (All ugly slags). Because of all this, spotting a relatively normal looking person down Green Lanes is becoming a bit of a mission and a game can even be made out of it (Fun for all the family but make sure you dont get mugged by them!)!

Liking any other type of music or lifestyle round here parts that these characters dont agree with can get you into some serious bother as many have had the pleasure of finding out (Being stabbed, shot or even murdered is a pleasent commodity round here!). If your radio station aint tuned in to the local garage or hip-hop stations like Choice FM or Kiss 100 or you decide to wear a t-shirt showing your support to an unknown indie band, be prepared to put up with a load of abuse and to be ‘rushed’ (Another name for a beating apparantley). So if you do decide to visit my little town, please only come if its necessary as this town, as the saying from League of Gentlemen goes, is a local town for local people (or skum).

You have been warned!

Away from the bright hair and big piercings, Camden has a side to it that would put Guildford, Dagenham and any other of the dross-holes nationwide to shame (or is that pride?).

Being Camden born and bred it shames me to say that my home town is a production line of hooped-earring/flat-brimmed baseball capped wallies with the vocabulary of a pre-born wild boar. Saying that, a lot of them are quite hard and I may well get a kicking if they read this.

Top spot to visit is Belushi’s, which is a bar that must be an act of antipodean revenge on the British to get back at us for the poor service given on the boats going down under in the 1700’s. A Friday nght in there is like an explosion in a beige and tartan factory. There should be tigers jumping through the girl’s earrings and the lads’ trackie bottom waistlines are closer to the deck than their bellies.

Also, being London’s 3rd (I think) most popular tourist attraction, we get chavs from all over the world. It is a truly heart-warming sight to see so many dimwits, from so many nations, congregating at the Lock on a Sunday afternoon. Despite being a home to so many of the UK’s brightest sparks, this lot manage to lower the IQ of the area by about 60%.

The crowning moment was seeing one of them telling a lad (of Somalian heritage) who was born here and raised here and has never claimed a penny in benefits to: “fuck off back where you comes from” (sic).

Maybe it’s because I’m a Londoner?

PS No offence to any of the local chavs that may read this. Although, if you can switch on a computer, you’ve probably graduated from chav to prat.