Archive for the ‘West London’ Category

Stanwell, Kicking up a Stink.

Oct
7

We first moved to Stanwell in 1965,my father having obtained a two bedroom property through the good graces of B.A.S.H.S (says it all, really), the Airways Housing offices. As we alighted from the 203A bus at the top of Clare Road, our nostrils were assailed by the delicately fragrant combination of 1. Aviation Fuel and 2.Smithfield Animal Products Ltd (aka "The Bone Factory").This latter could best be described as an amalgam of Marmite and dogshit.
       A brisk 10 minute walk (believe me, we couldn’t get indoors fast enough) saw us arrive,gasping and retching, at our new home.At first sight, the immediate environs presented us with all the basic necessities for a small family, a pub with the name partially spelled out in off-white letters (The "(H)appy (Lan)ding") and a grafitto in blue spraypaint of one of the better known local "faces" ("Jimmy Hogg shagged a Wog and a Dog"). There was a small supermarket…Shaws by name, Fader’s Toyshop, a post office, TWO butchers, ditto greengrocers, and a chippy,run by the redoubtable Mrs Church and her strapping son.Just opposite the pub was Dr. Collins’ surgery, and 100 yards farther up Hadrian Way, the Dental surgery.Everything one required, in fact, after an evening in the "Appy Ding", a cheery hostelry where one would like as not receive a cheery greeting peculiar to the locale;"Wotchu lookin a’? Wonna smack in the maahf, caaahnt?". Two primary schools, Town Farm Juniors and St Annes infants and Junior school, and a fair sized park (the "Rec") catered to the needs of the younger residents.
       A word about the aforementioned Smithfield Animal Products Ltd. This fine, well established company had its premises on a large plot of rough ground situated between Long Lane and Clare Road,the tall brown brick chimney being something of a local landmark. It was a common sight to see a convoy of dark green wagons bearing their cargo of putrefying animal carcases into the factory grounds, eagerly pursued by a gigantic swarm of bluebottles buzzing merrily behind them. These loads of offal would be boiled, steamed,and rendered to their component parts of a.bone, for fertiliser, b. fat, for the tallow industry, and c. the most appalingly stomach turning stench known to man. The "Boney", as it was affectionately known, had been operating since time out of mind, until that glorious Sunday afternoon in the mid Seventies when one of the huge pressure cookers exploded, blowing the entire roof off the factory and unfortunately taking the lives of three workers in the process. My mother and I had been watching the "Eric Sykes Show" and eating our tea when suddenly, our living room window appeared to bulge inwards (how the panes remained intact I will never know), followed by a bang worthy of Hiroshima.Rushing into the front garden, we were greeted by the sight of tiles, roof joists and masonry falling delicately earthward, apparently in slow motion. One rumour put about later was that the I.R.A. could smell the place as far away as the Falls Road, and had decided to eradicate the problem once and for all with a huge fertiliser bomb. Of course the Priest at St David’s, the local Catholic enclave,tried to claim it was an Act of God. Who knows though, how far up the stink travelled? He may have had a point.
   After the rubble was cleared, Smithfield Ltd decided to move their base of operations elsewhere, to the joy of the local residents and, after lying fallow for several years,rebuilding finally commenced some time in the early 90s. The site is now occupied by the Northumberland Close Trading Estate.
   

New Malden… what went wrong?!

Mar
9

 Right… I’ve got ten minutes to get everything I want to say off of my chest before I need to head back out (I’ve just this moment registered), so I’ll make this quick.

 I firmly believe that New Malden has reached the lowest level of Chavdom ever seen in a UK suberb.

 You can’t even walk to the end of your own fucking road without the usual “Oi mate, gissa cigarette!” or (14yo girl asking) “Can you run in that shop for me and get me a £5.99 litre bottle of Kirov vodka?”.

 The cheeky fuckers often go one step further by trying their luck with “Gissa fag before I blough(?) you in the face”. Fuck off you cunt-faced bollock-eyed walking piss-flap… if you’re going to try and mug me at least have the dignity to go for my I-Pod.

 It fucks me off the way that I’m going out and working hard to pay for these scrotes, who will no doubt be scrounging off of everybody for the rest of their lives. All they do is ponse and all they will ever do is ponse.

 It make you wonder where the parents are, doesn’t it???

 I’ll tell you where they are… sitting at home on the Cabridge Estate watching Kilroy, smoking dope and eating their favourite ASDA’s microwave meals.

 All the parents ever told them was that they were educationaly subnormal, and that the best thing they could ever do with their lives was to find a scrote that sells enough weed each week to buy them Elizabeth Duke ear-rings for their birthday and get them up the duff, thus allowing them to sponge benefits off of Kingston Counil and get their very owm flat on the Cambridge Estate… or the equally notorious Cambridge Gardens.

 What a life!

 It really does make me wonder just where this nation is heading… as this generation of Chavs and Chavettes start breeding faster than sewer rats without a thought of who exactly is going to fund their spawn.

 I blame the government myself for allowing them to sponge. 

Northolt

Jul
6
Northolt (or Norfol_ as pronounced locally. They don’t exactly omit the final ‘t’ but substitute it with a letter of their own making; a letter that makes the sound of a ‘t’ indolently dropped on a bed of fag ends,used condoms and dummies) is twinned with Hayes and the two deserve each other. So banal a place is Northolt that there aren’t even any nearby Chav stores for them to steal from so they have to commute to Hayes for Argos, Wilkinson’s and the out of town retail park that includes Mothercare (staffed by Chavs) and the generic, cheap sports shop with it’s shelves stocked, briefly, with excellent Chav thieving ware. Northolt does provide the occassional row of shops (‘parade’ is too big a word for the derelict crud peddling outlets) for the burberry scum to hang about outside, spit and laugh at the simpering community police officers who might inadvertantly mince within a hundred metres of them, but in the main the dismal buffoons drift across the barren plains of Northolt on their way to Hayes or Greenford like (barely) human tumbleweed. Borne on the wind like the spores of a particularly nasty fungi they drift together into the corners of the park in Down Way trying to out-spit,out-swear,out-drink and generally out-Chav each other. Or, if not there, then they can be found in Islip Manor park which is far more secluded and conducive to the joyless fucking that invariably produces more Schott loving sub humanity. They leave used condoms in their wake but what are they used for? It’s not contraception.
For a group that, presumably, choose each others company there seems to be a lot of hatred and aggression amongst them. They regularly fight each other and the last such combat I saw was between two women; one of them had enough multi-coloured children with her to resemble a Beneton advert and the other one had a bare stomach that reminded me of an apple crumble. As they tried to tear each others hair out (impossible as they both had face-lift tight ponytails) their dull eyed brainless children looked on non-plussed by the spectacle of these revolting chain smoking, chain wearing crudlodites grappling sexlessly with each other, snot running from their in-bred noses into there bacteria harnessing dummies and down their vile little throats. The fight put me right off lesbian scenes in films.  
Why do they do it? Why do they want to be clearly visible as Chavs? Have they no shame? Northolt has never been more than a large housing estate or a place for people to drive through on the A40 to be somewhere nice but the people living there used to be decent enough. Now these Chavvy scum have infected the place with their anti-social Von Dutchery to the point where it needs to be fumigated and then fumigated again, just to be sure. I feel nothing but contempt for these parasitic, stomach churning, crisp eating, drug taking, endlessly procreating, fight starting, life negating thread worms in the gut of suburbia. Does that come across…?