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Archive for the ‘North East’ Category

Kingswood, Hull

Posted on: December 18th, 2011 by admin 3 Comments

I’m not here to say Kingswood is a chav hovel, because it isn’t. I’m here to say what a nice place it is, the houses are built to a good standard. The pathways are relatively clean (paths are never going to be spotless are they? ). The people who live there, including myself, are well educated hard working people ( the chavs don’t live here as the dole amount won’t cover the price to even rent on kingswood) the school , Kingswood college of arts (which is unfortunately on branshome (i’ll get to that in a min)) is still a hell of a lot better than winifred holtby. The shopping and lesuire area of kingswood is also better than anywhere else in the hell hole hole of hull. The only problem is, its located right next to bransholme(one of the uk’s largest council/chav estates) and is near to orchard park (hulls crackhead smack head hovel) the scum from these estates scuttle over here to kingswood. the adults in the day so they can wander around asda and dream tha one day they will get a bonus in their dole that will allow them to buy a packe of crips from there…and to look at all the good people of kingswood and think “i’ll smash their e’d in one day …think the’re be”er th’n uz doo th’y? ” (well sorry to say, mekenzie lee burberry piss head, but…..we are better than you) then on the night the little toe rags and spaw of the adults mentioned above scurry over to “ave eh ni’ht owt wiv th’ ladz” …on the swings in the local parks.
You see…the problem with kingswood isn’t kingswood itself…..it the fact that its located inbetween the scum of the earth……dont you feel sorry for us??
By: I’LL F***ING KILL YOU

Rating: 7.3/10 (18 votes cast)

Rating: -3 (from 9 votes)

Mixenden, Halifax

Posted on: November 17th, 2011 by admin 4 Comments

I cannot believe that this scumhole of the North has not yet been recorded as one of the worst chav towns in the entirety of the U.K. Halifax is a town that has, or should I say, used to have, the reputation of an honest, working man’s town, with everyone living in harmony, with very little trouble. However, following various recessions, and a lack of employment, a certain species of life came out of the dark cracks of society and reared it’s ugly head. This is the northern Yorkshire chav, and these tend to nucleate in the poorest neighbourhood of Halifax, Mixenden. On a weekday, you may not get so much trouble. The scum tend to stay indoors and drink, smoke cannabis or snort plant fertiliser using their dole money that the honest tax payer was obliged to surrender. The off licences, or offies as they are called in Halifax, are constantly out of varius alcohols such as Frosty Jack’s Cider, Kestrel and Skoll. All the stereotypical alcohols of choice of the chav scum that inhabit the area. On the weekend, trouble really does kick off. Such degeneration is rife, that even bus shelters are never spared.

Wander into a park on a weekend evening. A common sight to see in Mixenden are bottles of cheap generic brand lager that are strewn on the floor, and old bags of cannabis and other drugs are found too. The smell of urine and cannabis hang in the air, and you can hear the local slurred dialect of the parasitic chav, maybe arguing, having mannerisms such as saying ‘swear down’ after every sentence, overuse of the word ‘innit’ etc. Beware of sitting on park benches; semen from the chavs or other fluids secreted from the chav vermin may still be present on the benches after a night of drunken sex in the park. Fine examples ae always seen on the Jeremy Kyle Show; if the people have a Yorkshire Accent, chances are they hail from Mixenden or any other similar Yorkshire breeding area.

The chav demographic of Mixenden is similar to those of other infested scumholes of the United Kingdom. Male chavs from the age of 16+ tend to be found sitting on fences, smoking roll-ups, maybe with a bottle of White Star. The look in the eyes will be typical to that of the species, bloodshot and dazed. Women, once again 16+, are once again found smoking, with large ear piercings and tacky clothing, pushing along a baby stroller with a poor maldeveloped child inside (from drinking and taking drugs when pregnant). Odds are, the child will be eating a McDonald’s sandwich. Children can often be seen wearing tracksuits, and standing outside offies with money, begging you to go inside and buy cigarettes for them.

When we consider Mixenden, we feel sorry for the country. These sponges ought to be rid of. My immediate suggestion would be to close off the areas, withdraw all alcohol and tobacco from offies in the locality, and perhaps sterilising all of the women. Only by this means will we be able to move forward.

By: davey

Rating: 7.6/10 (20 votes cast)

Rating: +4 (from 12 votes)

Jarrow, I know it’s a place to avoid, but seriously? No page?

Posted on: November 4th, 2011 by admin 3 Comments

Right, where to begin…

Jarrow is a delightful little hole next to Hebburn (another one), Gateshead (another one), Simonside (another one) and South Shields (Has charvs, generally leave you alone.)

It is impossible to determine the exact population of this cess pit as the rate of population growth is so great. We can only hope a bad batch of Skag kills them off before the current ones are able to breed.

The best features of Jarrow are the A19, which takes you away from here, and the Shell Oil storage depot which would be useful to try and contain the Jarrovians, should they try to spread en masse.

The Viking centre has to be the worst excuse for a shopping centre on the face of the earth, though if you want a tartan trolley bag, 2nd hand books with pages missing and some poor quality plastic tat from one of the many cheap shite boutiques that generate 50% of the total GDP for the town. The other 50% being from the sale of stolen car radios, ket, disco biscuits and nylon tracksuits. Jarrow currently holds well over 10% of the worlds stockpiles of fake Burberry and nylon by mass alone, and 22% of the UK’s supply of fake gold Sovereign rings.

Jarrow’s claim to fame is that it contains the world’s only 2-platform public toilet. This is located at the local Metro station. An entry fee may apply is “Carney”, “Dekka”, “Dave” or “MC Nobbo” are present. The price can range between Metro fare to South Shields or your shoes.

Jarrow is actually a fascinating social experiment, presumably to see what would happen if some of the nicer parts of the world were to be devastated by nuclear war. The result is a race of people who value Pound coins more than life itself, worship fire in the form of burning Vauxhall Novas or Renault Clios, and tuck their trousers into their sports socks to protect them from the oily chain of the bike they are about to steal.

The people are very hostile about their “lands” and verbally and physically abuse anyone who they believe is non local and appears to have valuables on their person. Increasingly children are getting involved in the protection of the land and particularly favour bridges, wooded areas and underpasses. They claim these as “Dens” and often try to intimidate anyone unlucky enough to stray inside with a string of incomprehensible insults.

From my observations of this town, I see no reason why we shouldn’t bulldoze it, or cut it off via a moat. If you need to come through the town for any reason, even if it’s just passing, make sure you lock your car doors, have no valuables on show, keep the car moving and make sure no one steals your shoes. Good luck.

By: Mike

Rating: 7.7/10 (16 votes cast)

Rating: +7 (from 7 votes)

Ashington, Northumberland

Posted on: September 26th, 2011 by admin No Comments

Ashington is by far the chavviest town in Northumberland, every other car you seeon the road is either a chavved up Vauxhall (the chavs’ vehicle of choice) or a Motability car of some kind (Usually either a Zafira or a C4 Picasso), the aging Chavs’ vehicle of choice. The town centre is a Greggs pastie filled hellhole which is a constant aroma of cigarette smoke. Unemployable, tatooed half-wits lope around with their out of control, pastie eating kids, shouting and bellowing at them as they go. This community used to be dependant on the Coal industry but has failed (probably due to too much coal dust in their brains) to adapt to the changes forced upon them by the 1980s closure of the mines.

Nearby Newbiggin by the sea is also a victim of this inbred way of life, which is a shame because it used to be a popular resort in victorian times…

By: Steve McGill

Rating: 9.5/10 (4 votes cast)

Rating: +1 (from 1 vote)

Northallerton is a CHAV Town

Posted on: August 20th, 2011 by admin 4 Comments

There is a place, not far from Chav Central uk (Darlington), that is an overspill for Chav’s called Northallerton. On the surface it is a nice little market Town, and actually offers some very good retail outlets and lots of nice eateries, it even has a Bettys Tea Room. If you were to visit this Town for the day, i suggest an afternoon, you would probably go home unaware of the deep lying social problems in this community. Firstly, people are totally unashamed of walking down the street eating their ‘Greggsies’ on their way to ’Wilkos’ to meet their friends. If you go 100 metres in any direction outside the high street youll become aware of an abundane of single mothers pushing their buggies, sometimes followed by a chav with a baseball hat and vest with a nice pair of tracksuit bottoms donning the latest Rockport boots. Like most chav towns, Northalleron has the usual public houses and a nightclub called ‘Amadeus’, frequented by the hardcore element of chavs. The chavs here think it is acceptable to go clubbing with their parents, who are usually in their late twenties, unemployed, seperated, a step parent, and from a long line of underachieving and uneducated lower classes. In Northallerton it is easy to spot the chav hierachy, the woman will usually have at least four tattoos, and always one just above their breast, classy. The men will also have tattoos, they are ‘well hard’ if they have their name, sometimes with date of birth, on their neck. Now chavs live in rented council houses or schemes with their entire family within a 500 metre radius, but will spend lots of money on large gold jewlery and earings despite not having a job

By: Paul

Rating: 8.3/10 (4 votes cast)

Rating: +1 (from 3 votes)

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