Charvers (thats the North East name but to most people it’s chavs), they are the biggest drain on society the world has ever seen. Ever had your nearest bus stop smashed to oblivion? Or ever seen the tremendous amounts of chewy embedded into the ground of your local shopping centre? Yes. You can guaruntee a charver did it… any money on that.

So… you walk through South Shields town centre. Yes… there’s chewy embedded into the ground. Yes there’s smashed up bus shelters. Yes.. there’s a JJB sports, a New Look, a Pound Shop, a Woolworths, and about 200 “offies” or off licences to decent members of society (i.e. not chavs)
It may sound like your typical, chav invested town. And yes… you can say it is… but I can put forward an argument… that this town is the worst, most diabolically chav- ruled town in our poor chav invested country…

In South Shields, chavs are spread around like some sort of flesh eating virus, making their mark everywhere they go. And I dont just mean graffiti… but pissing all over the place too. A South Shields male chav would more than likely be too damn lazy to go find a toilet, and mark his territory on the side of a metro station ticket machine. And is he ashamed? Ha! of course he’s not. He’s all “aye man howay, im a fuckin maxa waxa ragin charv and i fuckin rule sooth shields like!”, soon after, pulling out one of his cigarettes right next to a no smoking sign, whilst holding a bottle of bellabrusco or lambrini in his other hand. What pleasant people surround us everyday. There’s just charvers EVERYWHERE you go in South Shields…I think they should be wiped out. I think if there’s one thing that should be done for the world, it should be to send all charvs to death camps.

Thanks for Reading

Sincerely,

kill_all_chavs
President of the worldwide organisation of KAC (kill all charvs)

Where do we even start?

* Fact: Sunderland was voted the 3rd crappest city/town in Britain.

* Fact: The popualtion of Sunderland, 283,090 (And growing thanks to the many pregnant chavettes), I would say about 80% are chavs.

* Fact: Our crime is poor too, sexual offences, violent crime and theft are all on the up and are higher than the national average. (I’ve seen policemen on pedal bikes chasing chavs in stolen cars. You might not belive it but I really have seen it!)

So, there are three things you might not have known about “sunny” Sunderland, but what about other things:

Nightlife? – Well, some famous places that chavs go rave, shag and beat people up are “The New Monkey”, “Annabels” and “Lush”. These places at night time are crawling with scum. Chavs all looking to find a spare fag and a fight, while, Chavettes all shouting “he’s not worth it” at their brothers/boyfriends (I don’t know!)

Food? – There is a variety of resteraunts, which provide employment for the older chavs and the less skilled among them all. They range from McDonalds to Burger King and from KFC to Greggs, yes, we have ‘em all!

Housing? – Sunderland is infamous for their hosing estates, like Hendon and the East End, which is where only some of the murders are seen. Estates like Plains Farm, Ryhope and Thorney Close would be a welcome surprise when visiting Sunderland, but, there is an estate that takes the cake when it looks like shit: Pennywell! Its modern day Bosnia, only with worse crime and poorer schools!

Shopping? – With the brand new Bridges open there’s loads for chavs to buy. Poundland, always could for a chav to buy a pack of permanent markers to sniff at.
Argos, for the ‘Little Miss Chav’
JJB Sports and Allsports, for the tracky bottoms and Le Coq Sportif hoodies
New Look, for the middle class slag.
FCUK, well, it might be an FCUK shop or just a knock-off shop, I can’t really tell.
Crowtree Leisure Centre, mini chavs trying to swim(or going for a wash) always good for a laugh.
There are Ca$h Converters too and even a cinima, where fart spray is always the fresh fraguence when you enter. – ITS ALL WORTH A LOOK WHEN YOU’RE A CHAV!

(And finally) Transport – Sunderland has gone through a revolution when it comes to transport, we’ve got the Metro system which runs many a person from Sunderland to our friends in Tyneside and Newcastle, but recent reports show chavs a using this place for a Happyslap or two, our local paper (The Sunderland Echo) gave us an insight into what chavs do, eg Shag and set old peoples hair on fire, chavs are apparently going to be band from using the system, ha, that’ll be the day! With our revolution complete with the transport industry in Sunderland all I can say is the Parklane Interchange, bosses said that they play classical music in order drive away the masses of chavs, has it worked? Has it hell!

And on that note, I’ll leave you with my hopes and wishes on that you’ll never visit Sunderland as long as you live.

Anyone who’s lived in the north east for a few years can’t help but make some kind of comment about the dirty charver scum inhabitants.

I’ll be honest with you all, I haven’t lived there – or even visited the place in 5 years maybe more. What I do remember tho’ is that the place was chav (charver in the NE) heaven way before its time. It was infact, in retrospect, a glimpse into the future.

The joke going around college was, “what do you call the shields lass in the white shell suit? The Bride.”

The standard dress uniform for the chavette on manouvres was, at the time anyway, the adidas tracky bottoms – the ones with the poppers down the legs for a quick exit for any athlete not wishing to remove his/her trainers.
This quick exit move was more often than not used for either giving birth or conceiving. That’s the thing about shields women, most of them seemed to have more kids than Dr Barnardo.

Those not in adidas wore kappa. The ultimate in kappa slappers, usually some shade of blue with logos/markings in radio-active green/orange. Orange would co-ordinate with their pramface.

Without wanting to be to negative South Shields has a beautiful coastline and some great scenery. All this with a few minutes walk from Ocean Rd, a haven of curry houses, B&B’s and pubs and takeaways. It is here where the Police meatwagon was always parked, just outside ASDA ready for when it all kicked off – which was often.

One of my first experiences of the town was walking down the main road, by the town hall, at night so I was walking quickly. On the opposite side of the road there is (or was) a rough dive shithole of a pub the name of which escapes me. What I do remember was the ambulance outside, the police (poliss) van outside and a ‘body’ sparked out on the floor. The blood marks remained for some weeks.

What the poor guy had done is anyones guess. Maybe he looked at somone ‘funny’ , maybe he spilled their pint (maybe he looked like he might have spilled someones pint), but it was most likely he didn’t speak with the local accent. This is a good thing from the perspective of evolution, but a bad thing for staying intact in Shields.
The thing about the NE charver is that they’re all so tribal. If you live 2 stops away on the Metro, then you’re regarded with suspicion, so what chance does the rest of us have?
[FYI. The Metro provides free transport for the NE chav. They do sometimes get caught not paying but the odd £10 fine still means they're quids in]

The teeange chavs are the worst tho’ by far. They all have the caps, the trackys and the bling. They also think that they’re rock ‘ard. They are at their hardest when in South Tyneside College Club (the MARTEC), lounging on the pool tables with 20p on the table – but not being able to afford the £1 deposit for the cues. When this becomes an issue of dispute they become even harder, safe in the knowledge that 1) There are 10 of them. 2) You are a right minded individual and wont resort to violence at the drop of a hat, and 3) They are right in the middle of the CCTV cameras line of site and know they’re safe.
The only advantage of living here is all non-chavette ladies wont toutch their own kind with a shitty stick. Game on !

The mini-charver (under 12′s) is just as bad. In fact they’re worse – I remember walking down the same afore ementioned street (the other way, still with a mate – cos even the dogs in Shields go around in two’s) to have a group of ratboys launch a firework at us – the rocket missed but smashed into an advetising hording a few feet away. Still at least they weren’t stealing someones video and shitting on the carpet.

Have things changed since my time in the NE? Let me know, but my bet is that the sand-dancers have devolved a stage further and will soon be developing gills and crawling back into the primordial soup of the river Tyne. [the fog upon which belongs to Gazza - which he can f**king keep]

BTW Is nightclub deniro’s still there, albeit renamed to something less shitty. And do they still sell CANS, thats right CANS of Fosters? How chavvy is buying a can of anything in a nightclub – never thought I was middleclass till I moved here.