Well what can I say and where the hell do I start. Please bare in mind I have spent time in Middleton, Stockport and Brinnington universally recognised as being poorly kept public toilets.

ROCHDALE, once described by Monty Python as a quaint Northern village, I am sure you already recognise this as a misnomer of the greatest degree.

To gain an understanding of this excremental town it may be an idea to start with the town centre. In a high street of roughly 50 shops there are 10 charity shops, these are divided into high and low class shops and people are looked down upon for shopping in say age concern instead of YMCA. To add variety to your shopping experience The charity shops are interspersed with numerous pound shops who actually have regular sales to tempt in the discerning shopper. However when the local denizens wish to be flash and show off to the other scroat’s, they go to Santa’s grotto “bright house” no intention of paying and desperate for debt the wily customers see a chance of watching films on a home entertainment system for a couple of months, before revelling in the chance to outwit the repo man.

The town does not have a dedicated book shop, however if you wish to take pot luck there is small charity shop that exclusively sells nothing but books (a sure treat for residents that can read).

You see no mixing of different races in this place, this may be a hangover from the Second World War from whence it was said that Hitler wished to live in its town hall. So is clear the racist inhabitants wish to continue the good work.

The inhabitants of this poor blighted town are easily identifiable with hands down tracksuit bottom’s and legs of which are tucked into socks worn under god awful trainers, it matters not that the trainers are fluorescent, torn, dirty and massive as long as a logo is visible. These trainers are usually the crap that a shop puts in the sales, going cheap or just what the shoplifters could get their hands on.

Now the lady denizens also come into their own with Salford face lifts, tramp stamps visible just above the sweaty muffin tops. It may well be law that the female of the species has to be attached to a trolley and a grubby child. These people have not quite attained the status of chav, but are more than happy with their current title of scroat’s.

Rochdale has a colourful transient population seeking benefits, hand outs plentiful substances to abuse and easily available housing. These colourful characters come in an interesting variety of criminal leanings and mental health problems, but that is ok as Rochdale is a long standing liberal borough.

Rochdale is ringed by a variety of housing estates such as, Freehold, Falinge, Kirkholt and many other colourful locations which were the inspiration for films such as Escape from New York and Evil Dead. Indeed one of the housing units is known affectionately as the land of no lampshades, due to the amount of benefit artists and purveyors of fine powders that live in this architectural wonder.

Too sum up, if you are looking for scroat’s who are mouth breathers that drag knuckles on the ground and who own bright trainers bought with benefits and colour blindness.  Rochdale is the place for you.

By: Darren Averill