Well, what a nice website!  I feel my hometown may have been somewhat neglected, and i feel that i should mention our Belfast version of the chav, the ‘spide’.  I have lived in England, Scotland, and Wales, but never have I seen such a phenomenon as that which infests good old peaceful Belfast.
Our chavs are the descendents of paramilitary groups (at least, that’s what they think), and quite proud of it.  They all look completely identical, and you won’t be able to tell them apart from normal chavs, until of course, you hear them speak.  “Oi mayat, hoo a’f**k yoooy fink yooy are, ayl fukin battle ye.  Do yer nees, reet?” translated, that means, “who are you?  you are in my territory, i will throw bottles at you, or damage your kneecaps”.
They have quite a funny habit of paying artists with their drug money to paint murals on their walls, and mark out territory lines (by way of irish or british colours).  They also wear colour-coordinated tracksuits, depending on which particular cesspool they inhabit.
Continue reading “Belfast: whar yooy lookun at, reet?” »

As the song says “You sain’t seen nothing yet”. Belfast, in my opinion, is the Mecca for Spidey (Chav) behaviour. Take the worst of the ned element of Scotland, the chav element of England, marry it together and – voila – you have the Norn Iron Spide. The Belfast Spide is also affectionately referred to as the “Wa-Wa” – due to the way in which these people pronounce “what” and how often it is used in conversation with normal people. Said correctly, its somewhat akin to the noise a penguin would make.

Hoopy Ear-rings are the normal accessory of choice for your English Chavette. The Norn Iron Wa-Wa tries to incorporate cultural elements into their attire and thus Hoopy Ear-ring becomes Cladagh Hoopy Ear-ring (don’t know what a Cladagh Ring is – look it up on the Internet). This however is for the Catholic Wa-Wa. Protestant Wa-Wa’s tend to go for good old Hoopy Ear-rings. As for the rings themselves – Dad, Mum, Paramilitary groupings – they all make suitable adornments for the Wa-Wa. And not only rings – necklaces too. Not cultural enough – well, how about a nice terrorist slogan tattooed on your arm.

Clothing – again, taken from the Scottish Ned, Celtic and Rangers tops abound. Married with the abundance of Lowcost ShellSuits on offer from TK-Max and you are ready for a night out on the tiles.

As for the drinking – its never to early to start is it?
These people have been seen standing outside the local offies half an hour before opening time, trying to make sure the last of the Buckfast holds out until then. And then its get hammered for noon , into the bar for one (since its classy to drink in a licensed establishment) and then get thrown out for trying to have it away in the corner while ordinary people suddenly find themselves starring at the decor as they try to blot out whats happening. Because if you make eye-contact…

“Wa da f*ck are ye lukin at? Aye’ll knack yer ballix in. My Da is in de – Aye’ll have ye f*ckin shat mate….”

As for kids……Jesus H Christ…..this is an actual conversation that took place between a Wa-Wa Ma and Child

*scene – 3.30 in the afternoon, somewhere in Belfast. Local youths are throwing bricks and bottles at a passing police landrover in an estate. Door opens on one of the houses *

Ma: Mickey! Mickey! Get in ‘ere – yer f*ckin’ dinner is getting cold…
Son: *brick in hand, ready to be launched* Ach Ma, go f*ck yerself…I’m playin’….
Ma: Well I’m f*cking it in the bin if yer not quik…

The disease is spreading…..come to Belfast. And Leave again feeling grateful you don’t live here.

It has been a long time since I have set foot on the streets of my hometown, Belfast. I have seen much of the world, and have realised that the chav is a universal species, with each different area having its own particular breed.
The Northern Irish Spide is one of the most dangerous.
As has been suggested in previous topics, the main reason confronting a spide is so difficult is because of their possible links to paramilitaries. However, as any true denizen of the North knows, these threats are generally hollow. Indeed, the number of times I have been told ‘Eel gat the fockin provies on ye!’ (Spide accent) far outnumber the occasions on which men with guns want to hurt me.
As well as their shitty taches’, their love of Buckfast and Dutch Gold lager, the true spide has a love of techno. Not normal techno, but ultra-hardcore, 345 Bpm, quasi-German shite, with some fucktard from Portadown singing lyrics that are intelectually equivalent to a dogs fart.
The recent popularity of hard rock hasn’t made the spides any more relaxed. Instead, they have become more resentful of their own benefit-supported shithole lives, and have been taking out their frustrations on those citizens of Belfast who don’t listen to DJ Tizer, who can speak properly, and who never wear sports gear. Yes, I mean the perenially abused ‘Hippies’, a Hippy being anyone who meets any of the above criteria.
Indeed, the Belfast spide is the scummiest of them all. They will quite happily break a bottle in your face, stab your girlfriend with it, and then stamp on your head. This is not an exaggeration. They really are total scum.
So to any visitor to Belfast, it doesn’t matter if you are English, Irish, Scots or whatever, the spides dont care, they just want to ‘knack yer fock in.’
My advice is to avoid areas like Royal Avenue, Great Victoria Street and Corn Market. At night these places thrive with scum who enjoy dealing out beatings with 10 of their mates.
Also, avoid the Dublin Road at closin time. Dempseys is renowned for its spide clientele, and vicious beatings often occur just outside its door. Its so bad that the PSNI regularly station riot police there at the weekends.
One last thing, although most threats of ‘My Da is in the ‘RA’ (IRA) are empty, I do have one friend who ignored this warning and ended up with a bullet in his knee.

I live in the town of ballymena in Northern Ireland, I’m Not really familiar with the chavs as i don’t think there is many up here, But alot of the guys go around with the attitude of a chav, looking to start fights around Ballymena. Our Towns a confusing Town, There are a whole lot of different groups who just fight each other over religion or what paramilitary group they support and such. On the protestant side theres too Groups, Uda and Uvf, Both Divided between too nearby community’s Ballee and BallyKeel, Avoid Ballykeel at all cost as out of both the two estates Ballee is the more Welcoming one with its own pub and such. Ballykeel Is filled with Youth that have the attitude of a chav but dont dress like them, these guys go around the streets drinkin and smoking dope and Starting fights, Whereas Most of ballee youth only do the first too but you’ll get the odd dikhed, Noting Both these estates Hate the muslims and Coloured people but love black rappers (its Weird, But so is the paramilitary’s) Then Theres the town centre, a safehaven for the elderly aand suce during the day when the police are heavy on patrols, This is a safety spot for newcomers, Not the safest place but safer than going into unfamiliar estates. Moving onto the north of the town Where the Doury Road and Dunclug is Placed, These are both Catholic so No running around singing loyalist songs or wearing any form of Rangers Clothing, This is wear the hoods all are and where most of the bads things happen, Its pretty much a badass ghetto avoid the Heart of Dunclug area where Attacks from large groups or Junkies will Occur, Overalll Stay away from Ballee, ballykeel,Wakehurst and HArryville if you like wearing celtic stuff and are a devout catholic, Cause the youth arent that Friendly towards hat type, and vice Versa for Dunclug, I hang about Between Ballee and Ballykeel But only with the more easy going ones, Were the stoners that just like to party, Screw all the Hatred, But i think it will be around in our town for a While to come. Also i forgot to mention most of the youth are determined by there clothes, Dark Hoodys and jeans or tracky’s are usually worn by the stoners, the trendy type that dress like wealthy chavs r usually the E- Heads, the ones that wear hoodys with burberry caps and such seem to be a mixture, They mainly take every Drug you could think of part from Skeg and the other Expensive drugs!!!!!!!!