Inverness may appear to be a bustling, sophisticated city tucked waaaaaay up north in Scotland, and during the day you might be right but once night falls during the week or more obviously the weekend “Shit get’s real” to use the parlance of the “town eh”. There are 2 destinct types of breed to be found in the city. We will call them Estate dwellers and Cruzers.

Estate Dwellers can be found in the thriving dole communites of Hilton, South Kessock (or the ferry as it’s locally known), Raigmore, Culloden, Smithton. These sparkling examples of social housing are generally the terrain of the locally known and laughed at “Neds”, these interesting species are easily identified as they are suitably attired in Trackies, Fred perry/Nickelson polo kneck tops, gelled spikey hair in the fasion of a recent cancer patient and their destinctive mink accents. Phrases you will most likely here are “Yoou starteeeen eh?”,”faack of eh ya wideo”,”You lookeen at me eh?”,”Im gonna burst ya eh?”,”Here you, cum heere eh, run ta f**k eh”, “Im blazeen eh!” and occasionally solliliquising with “thats a bangeen tunne eh! or the more common “OOOAAAH WHAT A TUUUUUUUUNNNNE!”. The more obesrvant of you will have noticed that each phrase is punctuated with “eh?”. Studies have shown they are unsure of what they are saying to you and are looking to you for guidance. Games you can play with this scum include saying to them “I dont know kind sir if I am indeed looking to engange in lighthearted fisticufs with yourself but it seems to me you approached me wishing to have a square go” this generally prompts a visual response upto and including whisps of smoke from the top of the head, suspected to be caused by a combination of the lack of using the word f**k and constructing a sentance using more than f**k, blazeeen, eh and bangeen tuune eh!.

So onto the areas outlined above. The chances of being mugged,beaten,stabbed,murdered or offered class A’s ranges from the probable to its going to f**king happen, mind you this is all dependant of the time of day, weather it’s dole day and state of inebriation. It has been hypothesised that the cretins of the great shitty of Inverness need to maintain a BAC of 0.4 % at all times less running the risk of realising what a dump you inhabit. The ferry being the worst of these as where else in the world would a woman be in the midst of a savage beating at the hands of her boyfriend when a kindhearted male local steps in to save her then finding himself being told “lay the f**k off my man ya c**t!” before being savaged by the local tag team domestic champs or having a disabled man stabbed in the heart “just cos he was there eh, and i was in a bad mood” and the assailant stood watching as the poor fellow died on the streets while paramedics tried to revive him or finally and most comically at 9am on a Sunday morning would a man walk down the street in a plad shirt just in his boxers and carpet slippers pissed clutching a bottle of half drunk coop whiskey in one hand and a bat with a 6″ construction nail hammerd through it in the other? This den of minks, bucks, wuddys, bifters, Junkies and alchys also plays host to an interesting time paradox known locally as “The ferry Time Warp”.

The ferry or Merkinch as it’s known.

There are many no go areas in the Inverness but paticulary Merkinch or the Ferry as it is fondly known. The Ferry is home to the largest Ned population north of Glasgow. Walking from one side to the other is highly risky and if you are lucky you will be mugged. If you are unlucky chances are you will be raped or stabbed. If you should attempt this journey wearing anything other than Ned clothing you are most likely to be stabbed, raped, mugged and neutered before you even have a chance to scream. In fact the inhabitants of the Ferry are trained from birth to track outsiders so they can shoot, stab, mug, rape and neutor them whilst smoking three fags and drinking a bottle of Buckfast Tonic Wine. The only way into the Ferry from the city centre is over “The Black Bridge” (yes that is its real name, I swear!) then under the railway bridge. If you are on the run from the police then this is your best chance of escape, even the police dare not challenge the people of the Ferry, but a life sentence in prison is a thousand times better than what you will face across that bridge. Merkinch is the “gentler” side of the Ferry. The residents there tend to be more aggressive but full of hollow threats.

All in all….Inverness is rough as boar shite and twice as disgusting.