Gosport is a town desolate of tourists. Many residents blame a group of Tories who sit in an office and wear blue cable knit jumpers and sometimes close down museums, or as they prefer to be known – the local council. The council have argued that they have done all that they can to improve Gosport as a town, so I have gone to the liberty of outlining some of it’s better features that may appeal to day trippers.

Gosport is a seaside shithole with a pebble beach and a concrete eyesore that is often also referred to as ‘the promenade’. ‘The promenade’ is lined with old glorified cupboards that fat people sit in during the summer, you may be thinking by cupboards I mean beach huts. I do not mean beach huts. Behind the cupboards and sheltered benches – or public urinals- is an unkempt field covered in dog shit left by the early morning dog walkers who feel that by getting up before everyone else gives them the divine right to leave their dog’s excrement strewn across the beach

The beach has a wide choice of two cafes, the most central Pebbles cafe will serve anything from processed chips to processed sausage with a side order of the daily mail. See adults and kids alike flock to the ice cream window to have frozen milk poured into stale cones by an acne ridden school kid trying to earn money to fund his cigarette habit.

If the beach is not you’re thing then why not head into Gosport town center and experience the lunchtime delights that are Greggs and Mcdonalds. Popular amongst the elderly Greggs offers a wide range of freshly baked saturated fat perfect to be enjoyed with a flat soda avaliable from many of the high street’s pound shops. However, if baked goods aren’t your thing you’re in luck because the high street has not one, not two but three fast food outlets including the famed KFC, once said to be “the tourist highlight of the town” by a woman on the bus.

If you’ve managed to keep your lunch down you may want to enjoy some of the Gosport nightlife. Diverse and contemporary, Emma’s offers a chance to listen to some of the latest music, providing you go in the 1990s. Emma’s has become famed in Gosport for it’s unusually sticky floor which may sound bad but not it comparison to Gosport’s late nightclub Moodeaze which was closed down for health and saftey reasons due to it’s unusually sticky floor, some have speculated that this may be a culmination of urine and semen but were unable to say for sure because the scent was masked by the ever gorgeous smell of nicotine, body odour and cheap perfume.

For those unwilling to mingle with Gosport’s clubbers, Wetherspoons offers and cheap alternative, so cheap in fact that it is quite possible to become paralytic for under £15; whilst this may sound concerning at first you’d really have to experience the wonders of such a town to understand why a night out is better spent completely unconscious.

By: Rachael

Hello ! Let me take you through a guided tour of some of the most memorable places in Southampton there are !!

Starting in WESTERN …. Beware of the many chavs that will try to rob you and also the ones that try to flog you the stuff they have just robbed off someone else !… I once met a 30 year old man  in Western with no teeth… his choice entitely…he told me he had pulled them all out as he couldnt be bothered to brush them !!! TRUE ! I PROMISE YOU ! Make no mistakes !  Mabey you fancy a stroll down to Western shore for a nice swim.. just be very careful not to swollow any sewage that floats past you though !!!

Moving swiftly on to SWAYTHLING ….. Now, don’t be fooled by the name ” flower gardens ” There is nothing pretty about this place and beleive me, it most certainly does not smell of roses!!!! Chav and inbread heavan !! Full of pot heads, wizz heads and the occasional doke user ( for thoses of you that don’t know, doke means shit coke !)

Now just to round up this tour.. do you fancy a pint of stale .. oh, I mean ale down the BITTERNE PARK HOTEL !???  Take a seat on a variety of hole ridden filthy stained chairs with the insides coming out…. Have the pleasure of being served by the landlords lovely rough   big ginger daughter and chat away to the men that have never gone anywhere in life to the men that are never going anywhere in life !  

By: Emma

Basically, Marchwood is full of weed operating little fucks. They all cant wait too get their next 10 bag before school in the morning. They never used their proper names, nearly everyones has a nickname, e.g. ghoust, doltX, rizzla. They dont have enough money too buy food so the local chav monger chloe xxxxx chores hot chickens from the superstore tescos in applemore. Parents cant even afford a house with more than one bedroom, so they waste there dol money and build a small anex out of breeze blocks and stick a sofa init.. this is where the partys are held. may i clarify, they are shit. Apparently, they make up al types of sayings, such as ‘that was funny’ + ‘same’ even though these are words in the english dictionary. They invlove gingers, fattys, stoners, and people who are tall and white like a rizzla. thankyou and goodnight marchwood.