What a shithole! I knew a girl from there years ago, all she was interested in was shagging, I don’t think she had any brain cells. My first recollection of the place was the bus station as that was the way I first came to the town, if you can call it a bus station, more like a couple of  Nizzen huts stinking of piss. All the houses were council houses, full of out of work yokels, snotty nosed kids who hadn’t seen a bar of soap in their lives, and teenage pregnant mums with half a dozen kids. The houses had mud slicks not gardens, full of dog shit. And that accent, absolute chav accent if ever there was one, I cringed every time any one opened their gob, but it was worth it just to empty my nut sack in the tart, I could guarantee that if I was ever in need of a shag then she would lie back and open her legs, it was like f**king a dummy – she just lay there and let me get on with it. I hear she now has half a dozen kids all with different fathers.

Ahhh…the nice rural town of Tewkesbury on the Northern Border of Gloucestershire, as we alight from the Railway station we see pleasant views of graffitti stating the words “Northway Crew 2006″ and several vandalised lamposts/signs. We walk out of the station and down a road with several new, but disused warehouses.

As we head towards the suburban area of Northway we see the beautifully vandalised youth club, with grating over the windows that have not yet been shattered. We see more graffitti depicting “Northway Crew 2006″ as we head down the picturesque lane, please put your gloves and anti-bacterial clothing on here.

As we reach the Northway shops. known as Chav Central, we see several male chavs attempting to get food from the local fish and chip shop, doing a very good impression of dogs. Meanwhile the female chavs are on the corner in short skirts, with skin sagging out at the sides attempting to earn a living.

It is possibly best to move on from this place, you might get cancer from the number of fags being smoked. We are now going to head towards the local pub, where we shall be able to look throught the window to a genuine Chav pub, aptly named: “The Northway”. While the immediate area may seem nice do NOT enter the pub itself by any means, it has been rumoured that several Hardcore Metal Fans have entered and come out wearing burberry.

Lets leave the area of Northway and head towards the local supermarket. Before we reach the supermarket we pass the local comprehensive, the local chav IQ is about 10% the of a normal chav IQ roghly equating to about 1×10^-99% of the average dog. Therefore it is remarkable that the school recieves such high status, it must be said that there is a never ening war between chavs and moshers. While Chavs may have an IQ similar to that of a dungbeetle they breed in large numbers.

During school hours chavs that are bunking from their lessons usually populate the Green Lane or Gannaway lane, where they are reguarly picked up and returned to the school by the teachers.

Well away from the school and along the main road, here we reach the local student pub, the Canterbury, it is a neutral zone locally, with chavs only cumulating about 10% of the regulars here.

On wards down the road and we reach the local Supermarket, Morrissons. There’s always two or threee chavs outside either asking for a light or for someone to buy them a pack of fags. Let us go to the back of the supermarket where we see a moderate colony of chavs in the undergrowth where they consistently live off of scrounged fags and pee in the bushes. In several locations the chavs have sprayed, yet again the words “Northway Crew” with outstanding originality.

So we walk towards the town. It is possibly best to visit the town at night for the height of chav activity, as we wonder down Bishops Walk, the location of the local Tesco Metro, aptly nicknamed the kremlin, we see several passed out chavs on the floor and possibly one or two mating in the door way of an old pool club.

We shall leave the ultimate chav spot, montells for later, first however we shall take a visit to the local attempt to remove this vermin. *fast track to Dillons* Dillons is a local newagents next to “Burger Star” a favorite location for chavs, untill NOW that is. They have installed an anti-chav device the emits a high pitched noise that only they can hear, not unlike a dog whistle. Recent Chav activity in the area has dropped significantly, I’ve ordered mine already and intend to install it outside the northway.

OK so we shall head to the safety of the black bear, but on the way we shall encounter the hive of chavs, Montels, the owners themselves are chavvy and were disciplined for having a police scanner and sending the underage chavs out back whenever there was a raid being conducted. Which is now weekly. Normal chav behaviour is visible here, the female chavs with short skirts and fat hanging out from the sides of the skirt. With the male chavs discussing the size of their fake bling and their overly large waistbands. Smashing heads against each other’s heads and practicing their mating calls.

So we come to the end of our tour of Tewkesbury (or Chucksbury for the local chav population) and sit with a civilised pint in the Black Bear Inn, trying to decontaminate ourselves of the chav stink.
Continue reading “Tewkesbury… A Beautiful rural Town…” »

The very fact that I am obliged to register in this website and write about Britain’s chavscape is proof enough that the outbreak of chavviness is truly an epidemic.

Most extroadinary is that I no longer live in the UK, plying my trade in China, and yet am driven to put fingers to keyboard in an attempt to vent some personal frustration and provide moral support for those of you still on the front line. In heart and spirit, I am with you all!

Unfortunately, I feel that our struggle, whilst just and honourable, will be a ‘bridge too far’. Chavs, with similar properties to the HIV virus, will no doubt metamorph themselves into something different within a couple of years. The fake Burberrys will be gone but the aggressive and ever-so-slightly confused character traits will remain. More sadly, they will still be just as conspicuous due to their insatiable appetites for pound shops, junk food, shit cars and hanging around like rentboys on street corners.

Interestingly, I came to Cheltenham a couple of years ago with my Venezuelan girlfriend, who had just arrived in the UK for the first time. For her own safety and sanity, I knew that it was very important for her to be able to spot a chav quickly and effectively. For target recognition practice we headed down to the rough end of the High Street (Cheltenham-ites know where I mean), where 100′s of the genetically deficient arseholes hang out. From our observation post in Slots Arcade, I was able to talk her through the finer points of chav recognition. Within minutes, she had it cracked, and was able to identify both male and female species from range. Incredible and embarrassing….this means even tourists will be aware of Britains sad demise.

I feel a little better now and have worked up an appetite. Best I head down to the newly opened Mcdonalds in my city for quick bite. The most wonderful thing about living in China is that I can guarantee, 100%, utterly and absolutely, is that there will be NO chavs on the premises. Not in Mcdonalds nor on street corners nor in car parks anywhere! Im free, wonderfully free and ‘I’m lovin it’.

I am told (unreliably) that the word ‘chav’ stands for ‘cheltenham average’. I have no idea how true that is, and I suspect that the true reason will be lost in the mists of time… well, who cares after all? But please read on… what follows is a stream of consciousness, so get yourself a cuppa tea.

What do you think of when you hear the name of Cheltenham? You probably think of some of the finer things in life, such as Cotswold stone glowing in the sunset; coffee houses and smart restaurants; al fresco dining; cricket; horse racing at Cheltenham Racecourse; Gold Cup Week; beautiful Victorian townhouses with their cute wrought iron balconies; chic women’s shops displaying the latest fashions; leafy avenues dappled with the golden summer sun. After all, Cheltenham is the Heart of the Cotswolds. Blah, blah, blah. I could go on, but I won’t.

All of the above exists, sure. But what you don’t see are the chavs. The incredibly fertile, hideous, feral, stoned, shifty, arrogant, malevolent-looking chavs with their unsmiling faces. People are right: they are indeed breeding like rats. You can’t turn a corner without seeing a group of males trying to look natural and hard. (They’re not hard, unless in a pack. Even then I find if you challenge the ringleader they fold rapidly). Just when you thought you were past them, the females hove into view… baby buggy in one hand, double cheeseburger clamped in the other… hair scraped back so far you’d think their facial skin is about to snap… hardness in their eyes beyond their years because they know the ratboys who got them pregnant are never going to be seen again…

Never mind the High Street on a Saturday afternoon, try it on a random Tuesday morning – it’s exactly the same! It’s like being on Safari: “There’s one! Hanging around MacDonald’s!” (Hey, it’s opposite Wilkinson’s – everything under a pound). “There’s another! Can you see him? Pissing in the alley between the church and the High Street, frightening the elderly who like to place flowers in the graveyard and then do a bit of shopping.” “Look, another! Standing outside KFC, spitting at any car that looks expensive!” (Even though they all aspire to have expensive cars).

I do not dislike chavs for the way they talk. I do not dislike chavs for the circumstances they were born into. I do not dislike chavs for their ignorance, looks or poverty. I dislike chavs because of their behaviour: their ‘me first’ culture which is spreading so fast; their aggression, their pathetic fear of being different from the herd, their intolerance and rudeness, their belligerence, their misplaced arrogance, their irresponsibility, their laziness, their lack of imagination, their fear of being mocked, their inability to assist anyone who needs help, their sheer f**king cowardliness and their despicable unwillingness to get up and do something wih themselves.

I love and hate their cowardliness in equal proportions. Being a bloke who has done some pretty interesting stuff all over the world in the last ten years with the army, I don’t fear much, and I certainly know to look anyone in the eye if I feel they are a threat. Have the chavvy fuckers ever, ever, ever, just once, maybe, perhaps, stared me out? Lived up to their self-styled reputation for being ‘massive’ and hard? Do they ever, ever, just ONCE hold my eyes for longer than I hold theirs? Do they? No. Nope. Never. Not once. I win hands down every single f**king time. So bang goes their hardness fantasy.

I came to Cheltenham to get away from ignorance and stupidity in London. What a fool I was! Judging from the other posts in this section, the chav problem is becoming an epidemic. So epidemic, in fact, that I have started to see Americans, Candians, Kiwis and Aussies on here as chav-haters who have spent a little time in the UK and still noticed these feral little c*nts. No other country in the world has a group of people who make me so ashamed to be British; xenophobic, homophobic arseholes who, when abroad, gob off disgustingly in the name of my country and my flag and then call themselves patriots; who so instantly and effortlessly bring crassness and intolerance to their immediate surroundings; who infest our once-pleasant towns and create an atmosphere in which our elderly (who, after all, saved the freedom that they now abuse) do not feel welcome any longer.

f**k ‘em. I’d better stop now, before I have a coronary 30 years before I’m meant to. I’m off to get a Big Mac Meal. Then I’m going to shave my head, climb a tower and shoot them from afar. Oops, gotta go, I can hear sirens…

Lydney WAS a quiet little town on the edge of the forest of dean, until chav mania boomed. Chavs have invaded Lydney in full force since the young offenders institute (although it has aptly been aliased a “residential home”) was built in the centre of town. The chavs started there invasion in the alley ways and car parks at first, but have taken the local skate park and now use the shelter of the 1/4 pipes fot their chavish deeds. Since they invaded strongbow bottles can be found every where on the streets, the ruver is filled with lost burberry caps and chavs now feel free to pull their knifes out on people. Modded cars have also suddenly appeared on our small roads, and the number of accidents has increased so much! We have addopted a new saying locally which is “Find a Chav, Beat it up, then all day you’ll have good luck”, I should hope this spreads. People have always spoken of the forest of dean as haveing a somewhat unorthadox and dodgey gene pool, but lloyds pharmacy and the NHS should be sued for the allowance of these abominations to enter the gene pool. Homo-eructus…..no more like Homo-erectiledysfuntion! If anyone has any chav removal ideas please visit Lydney and at leased get the skate park back, and allow the big brother like cameras that hae been placed since the invasion to be taken down!