I come from the shitty little town they call bromsgrove. The town is full of either old people or chavs. There is no escaping the smelll of cidar and draw, the streets are slippy with mucus, and every setence is finished with either “safe” or “innit”. You cant light a fag without someone popping over your shoulder saying “sort us two’s man or i’ll bang you out,innit.”. The main hangout spot for chavs is Sanders park which has enough benches to keep the average chav happy. The chavs also hang outside the schools waiting for hometime so they can pick fights with the school kids,but only beacuse they are smaller and younger then them. The fair has come to town this week which means its a night out for the chavs, a brake from the benches they have ocuppied for so long. The redditch and rubery chavs come down to pick fights on the bromsgrove chavs when the fair is around becuase they are from different town. Dont ask me why.Probably because they arent clever enough to think of a good enough reason to pick a fight. They dont actually go on the fair rides because they have spent thier last fiver on cidar or ‘a teenth of draw man,innit,safe,respect. Even the fair is run by chavs.

‘what you looking at?”
“im wondering how that hat isnt falling off your head,is it glued.?
“uh?”

Redditch is literally a ditch in the centre of England, furthest point from the sea (or so i’m told) and a congregational spot for the sad species known as ‘chavs’. These small unwitting creatures like to hang around the town centre in large groups (these chavs are pack hunters, most only grow to about 4ft tall – safety in numbers) making rude and ignorant comments to just about any other member of the public that doesn’t dress in exactly the same clothes as them.
Favourite hanging points – (acctually come to think of it, chav hangings would be quite fun to watch) Mcdonalds, Burger King, JJB, All-sports.. well just about any shop that sells sports gear or fast food. And as the Kingfisher shopping Centre is none smoking there is usually a fair few hanging around outside the exit doors cramming in another fag.
And yes, as you very well suspected the night life is also poor, local pubs consisting of yates or the liten tree, where the chavs go get slapped up! woo!
So if you have no reason to come to Redditch other than to visit – don’t bother unless you want to get spat on, stabbed, abused or just constantly asked for a fag! Otherwise I suppose Redditch isn’t that bad….

Malvern, despite once being described by a friend of mine as “a dark, Satanic Trumpton”, is actually a nice place, if you avoid one or two Chav hot spots. When I moved here 20 years ago Malvern was a middle class haven dominated by the blue rinse brigade and day trippers in hiking boots, and it would still be remarkable only for its green hills and tea shops if it wasn’t for some muppet in the District Council planning office who gave planning permission for a new retail park on the edge of town including, believe it or not, a Halfords and a McDonalds that share the same car park!!! What the hell were they thinking????

Before that fateful day, proto-chavs in Malvern were confined to 4 back streets where no-one else ever went, but, attracted by the aroma of frying “beef” fat and cheap wheel arch extenders, chavs (or kevs as we call them in these parts) have since expanded their territory to include the retail park and (when McDonalds closes) the 24 hour Texaco station in Malvern Link. Which means that functioning members of society can only safely buy fuel between the hours of 8am and 8pm in Malvern, no joke when your girlfriend lives 20 miles away, let me tell you…

Anyway, armed with my experience in Malvern and a chemistry degree I’ve observed a chain reaction of social devolution. Consider the following reactions:

small middle class rural town + McDonalds + Halfords = Chavs

most of us have seen that in action. But this is followed by:

Chavs + retail park = Matalan

and thence:

Chavs + Matalan + supermarket = Morrisons.

Now, a Morrisons might not seem like disaster to you, but this is Malvern dammit, we have a Waitrose and we’re proud of it!!!

Now, Halfords does actually have a function in the world (even decent people need head lamp bulbs and wiper blades) so I blame McDonalds Inc for the downfall of society. Halfords is a catalyst to the Chav chain reaction, to be sure, but McDonalds is the reagent responsible for all the damage. And combined with the fact that its opening bough the demise of Burger Star, the local (and bloody marvellous!) burger outlet we used to have in town, Ronald McDonald has a lot to answer for!!! Maybe we should sue, or at least force them to put CAUTION – MAY CAUSE CHAVS on the packaging next to the warnings about hot coffee…

Bromsgrove….a little town on the outskirts of birmingham, infested with the “chav scum” that makes up over half of it’s population. Here the chavs are either of one extreme or the other. One extreme being they are seven year old wannabe chavs, smoking and drinking, swearing at any unexpecting member of the public who is not a chav (which is a minority) or forty year old former chavs trying to relive their youth.

The “place to be” if you are a chav is McDonalds, either working there or “chillin” in your spare time, this is where the chav population of Bromsgrove tends to go. Hanging around in massive groups, blocking pavements and in general making Bromsgrove look like even more of a shit hole than it already is.

However most Chavs spend their time driving around the town centre over and over again, bromgrove has a pathetic excuse for a town centre so therefore it doesn’t take long. driving around and around, showing off their “wheels”, beeping their horns everytime they see a “fitt” chavette. In reality their cars go no more than 20 mph, weighed down by the spoilers, alloy wheels, and assortment of bumper stickers, not forgeting the safty feature of not being able to close their doors! Entertaing the whole of bromsgrove with the vast array of dance music, blasting out of their N registration car, sticking their heads out of the windows, banging their heads along to the “crazy” rhythm.

Nightlife (if you can call it that) revolves mainly around the club Euphoria. Passing by this “club” (about the size of a top floor of a terraced house) you are likly to see a long line of twelve year old chavettes in their “clothes”. These clothes, fail to cover up the rolls of bright white fat, blinding innocent victims as they pass. Asses and boobs hanging out in the attempt to look eighteen. When in relality all they need to do is flash the security guards and their in. These fashion disaters designed to attract a member of the opposite sex (basically a chav).

A typical bromsgrovians vocabulary (most typical Bromsgrovians being chavs) consists of no more than four letter words, thrown togather in an unreconisable syntax, with the odd “like” and “ennit” embedded amongest the utter crap that escapes from their mouths. All in a failing attempt to sound clever.

There is one place in bromsgrove where you may take sanctity, this is bromsgrove school. A very respectable priavte school, untouched by the forces of chavs. If a chav even comes within a thirty mile radius, i’m sure they would think twice about it, with an army of guys with their baseball bats coming to “sort em out”.

Bromsgrove is a boring town. The only thing that makes it interessting is the fact that you can laugh at all the chavs. Overall the world would be a better place without chavs let alone Bromsgrove.

What can be said about Bromsgrove? Well, may I start by describing to you the wonderful facilities that this fair town offers.

I will first start with the amazing eating facilities, the Chavs number one choice has to be the widely renowned McDonalds, and of course where would the town be without it’s chippies?! Lucky for us the Chavs have a choice on where to fill them selves with grease and processed spam, there is Rajitani’s or Ocean’s. The more cultured Chav may venture into one of the five Chinese take-aways, or if feeling up for an ‘eat and run’ they could use one of the three Balti’s.

I feel I have not yet touched upon McDonalds enough. Anyone who has ever ventured into the establishment may have noticed that the place is teeming with the giant goldhooped-clad beggars. This is because McDonalds has successfully created an environment for the Chavs to feel secure in, it has no taste in its decoration (the tackiness is actually attractive to a Chav), the music played is only from the last months top 10 (if a Chav hears music that they have not been previously told to like it upsets them, individuality is a concept that scares them) and let us not forget the food that is designed to make you morbidly fat (I personally like the occasional McDonalds but the Chavs being their 24/7 must be related to Britain’s obesity problems).

Now a Chav has filled their grotesquely large stomachs with food they can head off for “night on the town”. This can either mean sitting around in one of the many industrial back alleys with a bottle of Asda’s cider, or a Chav can really have some fun and head to Bromsgrove’s nightclub EUPHORIA. This is a wonderful club where the security is very tight (an 11 year old Chav may have issues getting in, but once past 13 it shouldn’t be an issue). I can only ponder what it might be like inside as I myself have not had the pleasure of going there.

Apart from clubbing and eating (and of course getting pregnant t claim more benefits) a Chavs favourite pass time would have to be shoplifting from the high street. With a peacocks, a new look (for the more classy chavette) and of course an Argos to get their bling.

I think that basically sums up the undercurrent of scum that makes up Bromsgrove. I would just like to point out that there are some poor normal people who live in Bromsgrove and have to share it with this Chavscum, to these people all I can say is that I can sympathise, I am stuck here too.

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