I have lived in Crowthorne for over 5 years and despite the hospital, 99% of Crowthorne is actually quite beautiful and serene. However, the changes i have seen are horrendous and sometimes i feel i would be safer within the hospital walls than out on Napier Road and Crowthorne high street. I have the misfortune of living close by. I blame Lidl for the advent of the Crowthorne Chav.
In Crowthorne there are 2 distinct stages of Chavness, stage 1, the junior chavs with scooters that they race at 2 am who hang out in the village green at the old library. stage 2 fully fledged chavs that have “pimped up motors” that they race until 3am. A lot of these unruly, unsavoury characters are heavily outsourced by the Crowthorne Inn from Bracknell, Yateley,and other surrounding areas. The only locals are strong contingent of gypsies from goodness knows where that is growing by the day.
The average age of the punters is 14-19. with a spattering of a few haggard old alcoholics, and some depressed hospital staff. They are mostly gyspies. (im not sure if thats an insulting term but i can not keep typing travelling community types, ) from 1st of May, the merest hint of sunlight the boys all go topless and flex their skinny limbs at each other while thy fall about in under age drunken stupor. in their heavily gelled and spiked or completely shaved hair, they shout at evry girl passing by despite being with their obnoxious and incredibly loud girls who may as well be topless. It’s like a cher loyd explosion of cropped tracksuit bottoms, bleached hair ,hoop earings and exposed bellies. They are rude, abrasive brash incessant smokers drinking beer on the street while they argue on their mobile phones about evrything in very clear lurid detail,or blast music on their car stereos. The police did a drug raid last weekend that was when i knew it’s time to go. They argue about everything until 3am any day of the week. They congregate on the bench outside the Co-op and smoke goodness knows what..
The village has become incredibly diverse, but the saving grace is most people will politely get on with their business. We all try to ignore the Llyods bank break in, a somerfield window being smashed thus neccesiting a metal cover at night, a couple of arson related forest fires, and hope that the opening of Costa will chase away the uncouth youth.
There is a place, not far from Chav Central uk (Darlington), that is an overspill for Chav’s called Northallerton. On the surface it is a nice little market Town, and actually offers some very good retail outlets and lots of nice eateries, it even has a Bettys Tea Room. If you were to visit this Town for the day, i suggest an afternoon, you would probably go home unaware of the deep lying social problems in this community. Firstly, people are totally unashamed of walking down the street eating their ‘Greggsies’ on their way to ’Wilkos’ to meet their friends. If you go 100 metres in any direction outside the high street youll become aware of an abundane of single mothers pushing their buggies, sometimes followed by a chav with a baseball hat and vest with a nice pair of tracksuit bottoms donning the latest Rockport boots. Like most chav towns, Northalleron has the usual public houses and a nightclub called ‘Amadeus’, frequented by the hardcore element of chavs. The chavs here think it is acceptable to go clubbing with their parents, who are usually in their late twenties, unemployed, seperated, a step parent, and from a long line of underachieving and uneducated lower classes. In Northallerton it is easy to spot the chav hierachy, the woman will usually have at least four tattoos, and always one just above their breast, classy. The men will also have tattoos, they are ‘well hard’ if they have their name, sometimes with date of birth, on their neck. Now chavs live in rented council houses or schemes with their entire family within a 500 metre radius, but will spend lots of money on large gold jewlery and earings despite not having a job
Posted on: June 5th, 2011 by MrDunwell 10 Comments
If you want to discover what life was really like during neanderthal times then jump on a train and head to Goldthorpe, this south yorkshire shithole from the stone ages is so behind times even the Wright Brothers would be stunned. but lets take a look at this Libyan-Twinned town and discover the people and landmarks that make this place a dump.
Goldthorpe is easy to get into but hard to get out of, however if you are just visiting its always best to go in armed with a cricket bat or a machete which can be stolen from all local garden sheds in the South Yorkshire county. however if you are considering moving down here this guide will tell you all you need to know about becoming ”scum of the earth”.
As you arrive at Goldthorpe station its easy to see you are no longer in civilisation, the locals here dont like foreigners and you dont even have to come from another country or be a different shade of colour to be made aware of this, just as long as you dont speak ”BAARRNSLAY” will make Goldthorpe’s locals treat you like any other cotton picker day or night.
Walk down Barnsley Road and you will soon encounter Goldthorpe’s daily life, teenagers staggering up the streets f**ked out of their eyeballs on cheap co-op beer at 2.1% its all the aggression they need to pick a fight with the wall, another sight to discover is the queue at the post office every monday, thurs and friday, those dole cheques wont cash themselves and those cans of stella wont drink themselves so its best to get in the queue as soon as you awake from your cardboard box on co-operative street or when you are released from the cells after having a eventful night fighting in the Rusty Dudley.
Goldthorpe’s average life expectancy is around 35-40 years old so teenage pregnancy rates are sky high. If you are 13 years old and still not a parent then you are not the sort of person fit to live in Goldthorpe, its important as a young parent that you teach your ratboy or ratgirl the basics of survival. Make sure they know how to burgle houses and are experienced in robbery before their 12th birthday or their first court hearing (whichever is sooner).
As a teenage parent in Goldthorpe you also need a good education before you hit the high street and start spending those giros, make sure you apply for a council house as soon as you fall pregnant because you cant live at your parents anymore as mummy and daddy will lose THEIR sickness benefit and jobseekers despite dad’s part time job working at the pigeon club as a bouncer. Make sure you are fully experienced in claiming child benefit for all 6 of your kids and dont forget to claim those milk tokens you can trade these later on for a bag of cannabis and let your kids roam the streets late at night while you sit at home smashed out of your face.
When you choose a street to live on, try to engage in conversation with some of your neighbours, people in Goldthorpe arent used to friendly chit-chat and like to end the conversation abruptly with a curt ”ah’ll burgle ya fooking house later” before sauntering on their merry way to the nearest off licence for more stella.
Co-operative street is highly recommended for any chav wanting the low life and street fights more accustomed to the Bronx than a south yorkshire town, as soon as you move in dont forget to hang that england flag outside your window as this is a sure fire way to be accepted into the town that sent two BNP members to european parliament.
Being a different colour could present problems for you should you decide to move to Goldthorpe, kids are taught at a young age that ”NIGGERS AND PAKIS TAKE OUR JOBS” and the grown ups arent much better either but they are softies at heart and love everybody really for after a long days racist saluting and a tooting what better can a Goldthorpe BNP voter do than to go to the curry house on the high street and order chicken vindaloo then finish it off falling asleep listening to gangsta rap, they may not like you but cook a curry and you’ll be best mates for life.
Goldthorpe is visited often by the local police and you may soon be recieving a visit too especially if you want your moped back. Police in Goldthorpe have a calming effect on the locals, because if any trouble starts removing the beer and drugs from the offender is a sure way to restore order.
so there you have it Goldthorpe its a shithole and i wouldnt recommend living there but rest assured you have to see it to believe it ITS A CHAVTOWN
Posted on: December 30th, 2010 by david h 5 Comments
I have recently moved to watton at first i thought it was ok and then i went out for a night down the pubs with some old mates from norwich and as soon as we said we where from norwich they started hitting us and chucking pints over us in the pub they where kicked out and we had to be escorted out by the police….they then followed us home and smashed my windows and rolled my friends car not 1 car but 3 cars!!!!……the next day i toldmy uncle who lives here and he wasnt even shocked i was stunned……every night there are little shits around town either spray painting , pissed off there head, randomly beating people up or just terrorising anyone who is not from watton…u can go to lovell garden estate to be greated by 100 chavs scattered about the alley ways and not greated nicely trust me…or you can go to stokes estate where my uncle lives ( y i dont know? ) which is okay in the day but at night time is full of louts drinkin at the park and pissing off everyone who is within eye distance……but the worst place is the town centre as the kids and even the “adults”dont like outsiders and once theyve have 20 stellas will destroy ne outsider who gets in there way!! …..i have been here for 3 months now and i thought things would get better as they could of been a one off but let me tell you it just get worst there is usualy a fight everyday in town centre and there has 3 stabbings since ive been here so i can honestly say im going to be moving lol…thanks,
I feel it is my duty to inform you all about this town that I can only describe as the festering cat turd in the Garden of England. Sheerness is an industrial eyesore and the majestic ‘crapital’ of the Isle of Sheppey, on the North Kent coast. If you have never heard of Sheerness, that’s because it’s the kind of isolated hellhole, you have to go far, far out of your way to wash up in. It is not somewhere you just leisurely pass through on your way to more salubrious parts of North Kent like Chatham or Gravesend. It was my misfortune to be a frequent visitor to this insular chav paradise and for 6 miserable months, a full time Sheerness resident.
So lets take a tour of Sheerness-on-sea.
To guide you I have taken a satellite map of Sheerness and shaded the different areas.
The first thing you’ll notice as you approach Sheerness by car on the A249 is the smell. I can only describe it as mixture of burning car electrics and sulphur. This allegedly comes from the Steel Mill and of course, is in no way toxic, in fact, it’s just like breathing in fresh alpine air. You will soon come to point 1 on the map.
View Larger Map
Here you can park and savour the sight of the Steel Mill in all its non-third world glory. It really is breathtakingly beautiful just like Port Talbot. As you travel onwards, you will drive past Blue Town before you know it. Due to the prevailing wind, Blue Town usually gets a good dose of the lovely meadow fresh alpine air from the Steel Mill. Consequently, no one wants to live there apart from Junkies and various others who’d allegedly trade cancer or a serious respiratory illness for a low rent. The second thing the more eagle eyed will spot is the amount of roadside CCTV and ANPR cameras on the A249 both on and off the island. I presume this is to spot escapees from the 2 prisons or Rushenden.
In no time at all you’ll be in the heart of this bustling metropolis. Well, the bottom of the High Street, Tescos and that shining beacon of non-chavdom McDonalds, as you reach point 2 on the map.
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Here is one of the finest chav spotting areas in the country. Yes, the whole country. To the right of McDonalds is the Sand Pit. In the summer months, the local chav community like to avail themselves of something from McDonalds £1 menu and chav it up in and around the Sand Pit like flies around shite. Don’t ask me what the mythical attraction is of this kids play area (apart from somewhere to walk your pitbull cross) and for the love of god, don’t go spotting at night when Tantra nightclub is in full swing. You will need counseling for years to get over the Post Traumatic Stress.
If you have the stomach to proceed into the heart of the beast Sheerness, you can now head for point 3 on the map.
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This is a designated parking area for visitors, as I’m sure you’ll want to explore to truly unremarkable High Street. If you roll up on a Tuesday, you can just forget it and find another car park, as for on Tuesdays this area becomes the chav holy shrine, where all come to worship just after they’ve dropped their clutch of illegitimate children off at school and cracked open their first can of reassuringly costly French Lager. Yes, behold Sheerness market. So good, a free bus service picks up vermin from outlying holding pens such as Rushenden and Queenborough to pray at the Alter of out-of-date crisps, broken biscuits and snide designer wear. Hallelujah!
Point 3 is what some people consider the Sheerness Golden Triangle, the Market, the Police Station and the Job Centre, an area where Sheerness chavs spend 90% of their time, when out of the house. It has to be said that Sheerness is one of the most densely chav populated places in the Home Counties. A town only rivaled in the infestation league by the mighty Chav Mecca that is Chatham. However, Sheerness seems to counteract this chav density by having the highest population of freaks I have seen anywhere. Now what do I mean by freaks? We are talking the retarded, fugly, walking posters for why cousins should not breed. Forget the backwards island keep-it-in-the-family urban myth, this is because an alpha Chav can impregnate so many 14 year old schoolgirls, that half of the next generation don’t know they are genetically related.
If you are thinking of moving to this god-forsaken town for whatever reasons, commuting, low house prices, insanity, etc, please, please, don’t do it, even the pits of Thanet are more attractive, believe me. However if you want to regress to a more simian like primitive creature, be my guest!
Greeting to Rule and Rule, Mann & Co, Ward & Partners, Sheppey Estates, Broadway Estates and any other agents on the Island of Dreams!
